Laugh Out-Loud Funny

I cachinnated when I read this takeoff on the Bushies' ludicrous attempts to buy good press in Iraq via the DC PR firm, The Lincoln Group. Dumb sumbitches (Bushies) thought they could skate this one through. If this is (fair & balanced) stupidity, so be it.

[x The Hartford Courant]
The upbeat beat in Iraq
By Jim Shea

To: The Lincoln Group
Subject: Writing opportunity

Dear Sir or Madam:

Regarding The Lincoln Group's $6 million contract with the Pentagon to handle its public relations work in Iraq, I am inquiring as to whether you are looking for any more writers to produce positive stories for planting in newspapers there.

I have many years experience in the journalism business and am currently working for a mainstream American newspaper - the last time I checked.

I understand Lincoln has been under criticism of late for paying local Iraqi papers to run articles with a pro-American slant, but for the life of me I don't understand what the fuss is. I mean, the freedom to mislead the public through the media is what democracy is all about.

Here are a few ideas I have for stories that I am sure would go a long way toward creating a more upbeat view of how things are steadily turning around in Iraq:

Baghdad to get NBA team

National Basketball Association Commissioner David Stern announced today that Baghdad has been awarded an NBA franchise. The team will begin play in the 2006-07 season and be called the Insurgents.

Pesky car bomb problem solved

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld has unveiled an ambitious drive to ban motor vehicles in Iraq and replace them with Segways. The Pentagon plans to set up Segway dealerships throughout the country, where salesmen will be offering the nifty electric scooters at ''unbelievably low prices'' and accepting trades on any vehicle that can be ''driven, dragged or pushed'' onto the lot.

Housing sector remains hot

Buoyed by new construction, the Iraqi housing industry had another strong quarter. Housing starts were up 20 percent, while housing demolitions were running at 30 percent, meaning a building slowdown in the immediate future is unlikely. Usury rates remained unchanged.

Prescription drug plan is announced

Iraqi seniors will soon be able to get their prescription drugs at a substantial savings thanks to a plan patterned after the wildly successful Medicare program. The new benefit is scheduled to go into effect as soon as a drugstore opens and will be called Iraqi-Care. For more information, call 1-800-Geo-Bush.

Mahdi Army Choir presents holiday program

The Mahdi Army Choir, under the direction of militant cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, will roll out a traditional holiday show this weekend tinged with just a bit of Iraqi flair. The musical offerings will include such favorites as: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Chemical Ali," "Adeste Infidels," and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Hummer."

Jim Shea is a columnist for The Hartford Courant.

Copyright © 2005 The Hartford Courant

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