LOL Funny: Jon Stewart's (Currently Unemployed) Writers Review Dub's SOTU Message

What else did The Dubster omit in his farewell SOTU address? Steroids in Major League Baseball? Katrina survivors in LA and MS? WMDs? If this is (fair & balanced) drollery, so be it.

[x NY Fishwrap]
State of The Union: Shocking Omission
By The Topical Satire Initiative

We had been looking forward to President Bush’s State of the Union address for months, knowing that it would once again bring to the fore the most pressing issue of our generation: human-animal hybrids.

On Monday afternoon, whitehouse.gov, our one-stop shopping site for neutral-colored residences, posted this important update on the proceedings:

“President Bush will deliver his State of the Union address on January 28, 2008. Whatever the form, content, delivery method or broadcast medium, the President’s annual address is a backdrop for national unity.”

Our guesses — and please bear in mind that we are neither pundits nor smart people — were:

Form: Macaroni collage
Content: In-depth analysis of monumentally important human-animal hybrid controversy
Delivery Method: Ice Cream Truck
Broadcast Medium: Tin cans, string

Boy, was our collective face red! Turns out, Bush chose to go with:

Form: Speech
Content: Economic stuff, Incentive stuff, Legacy stuff
Delivery Method: Mouth
Broadcast Medium: TV

Truly, the address was a firm, sure-footed and resounding proclamation that even our 43rd president himself was surprised he had to do another of these things.

9:06: The President arrives, fashionably late, and fashionably attired in a blue tie the exact shade of America’s current malaise. After much hand-shaking, he takes his place at the rostrum, in front of Dick Cheney, a human-zombie hybrid, and Nancy Pelosi, a human-woman hybrid.

9:07: Bush gets down to business right away, talking about the economy, his stimulus plan, etc. Obviously, he’s saving human-animal hybrids for later in the speech.

9:12: Tax relief. No mention of how human-animal hybrids could affect it.

9:22: Human-alcohol hybrid Ted Kennedy checks his program, trying to figure out who the guy in the blue tie behind the podium is, and if there’s an intermission.

9:29: “I call on Congress to ban unethical practices such as…” This is it! “…the buying, selling, patenting, or cloning of human life.” Human-animal hybrids, here we —

Um.

Hello?

He’s just moved on to “matters of justice.” Matters of justice!? How about the injustice of not discussing human-animal hybrids?!

9:30: Okay, now we’re ticked.

9:33: America is responding to immigration by “deploying fences.” If we had human-animal hybrids, we could line them up along the Mexican border. They would be dangerous, yet understanding. Does nobody see this?

9:40: Iraq.

9:53: Iran.

9:55: Wiretapping.

10:00: Wow. He’s really not even going to mention them.

10:01: “…And the state of our union will remain strong.” “God bless America.”

Yes, we’re a little shocked right now.

But in a way, we’re almost glad President Bush didn’t discuss human-animal hybrids in this year’s State of the Union. Perhaps he understood that, with only one year left, they’re simply too big for him to take on. (Some are, quite literally. Especially if the human is tall to begin with, and then the animal it’s fused with is like a rhino or a blue whale.)

We look forward to next year, when the State of the Union is delivered by someone else. Someone more attuned to the plight of the human-animal. Maybe a centaur.

[The Topical Satire Initiative is Rachel Axler, Kevin Bleyer, Rich Blomquist, Steve Bodow, Tim Carvell, Scott Jacobson, Rob Kutner, Josh Lieb and Sam Means, who, when gainfully employed, write funny stuff for “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.”]

Copyright © 2008 The New York Times Company

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