Carpetbagger Kelso Weighs In On The Stupid (Snore) Bowl

John Kelso arrived in Austin in 1976. The New England-born Kelso made his way to Austin via South Florida and Wisconsin after a military stint in Germany where he cut his teeth as a humor columnist for the post fishwrap. Now, Kelso holds forth as if he was born in the Lone Star State with an inborn dislike of Oklahoma and Sooners. Despite the lack of Texas bona fides, Kelso is a funny dude who can write LOL pieces and this riff on the Stupid Bowl is an example. (As Dallas Cowboys renegade running back, Duane Thomas, put it before the 1971 Super Bowl, "If this is the Ultimate Game, why are they going to have one next year?") If this is (fair & balanced) Baja Oklahoma humor, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Yankee Bowl got you all befuddled? Here's a quick primer: Bad blood between Boston and New York is like our beef with Oklahoma.
By John Kelso

So it's New York against Boston in Sunday's Super Bowl, and you can't decide who to root for, since you're a Texan, and you don't understand the bitter feud between these Back East cities.

So let's explain it this way: It's kinda like our war with Oklahoma. You've got two groups of people who hate each other's guts because they're pretty much identical. Let's face it. You really can't tell a Texan from an Okie unless you check his DNA for a teeth shortage. Same thing with New Yorkers and Bostonians, except they have a legitimate reason for not liking each other. They're both Yankees. So what's to like?

With that in mind, let's go over some of the differences so maybe you can figure out who to go with — Giants or Pats.

Boston was settled after a group of religious fanatics stepped off a ship onto a rock at nearby Plymouth. New York started up when somebody handed a passel of cheap beadwork to the Indians and stole Manhattan for cheap. There's no truth to the rumor that the guy with the beads was one of Donald Trump's ancestors, and that at the time he said, "You Indians, you're fired."

Compared with Boston, New York is wimpy because if you want somebody offed there, you have to go to New Jersey to find a decent hit man. In Boston, if you want somebody dead, you just give them driving directions to the nearest traffic circle.

New York has the Statue of Liberty and "give me your tired and your poor." Boston has Bunker Hill and "don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes." Of course, back in New York the locals figure Bunker Hill was named after Archie. Although the feminists will claim it was Edith.

Boston had Roger Clemens when he was young. New York got Roger Clemens when he was older and magically buff.

In New York, Babe Ruth was a legend. In Boston, a Baby Ruth is a candy bar.

In New York, a codpiece is worn by the male lead in some Broadway Shakespearean productions; in Boston, a cod piece means you didn't finish your lunch.

New Yorkers ruin their clam chowder by putting tomatoes in it. Boston has clam chowder with actual clams.

Sure, New York has lobster, but they have to ask folks in Boston how to get the meat out of it.

Boston has beans, but so does New York — Rudy Giuliani is full of 'em.

You can get mugged just about anywhere in New York. If you want to get mugged in Boston, try Filene's Basement during a sale.

And lots of luck finding a college football team in either town with livestock on the sidelines. Trust me. There's just something wrong with these people.

[John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

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