Kelso Cracks Back On Governor Goodhair

The Austin Fishwrap's resident curmudgeon/redneck, John Kelso, offers a riff on Governor Goodhair's jump from the derailed Guilani campaign to climb aboard McCain's "Straight Talk Express." Kelso was LOL (to me, at least) when he allowed that if Goodhair had endorsed Mitt Romney, "...you could see hair from space." To a alopecically-challenged blogger, the thought of big hair visible from Skylab was pretty funny. If this is a (fair & balanced) hairline, so be it.

If Perry shows up, McCain should have him arrested for stalking; Perry changes course in Prez race
By John Kelso

If John McCain wants to stand a chance at becoming the next president of the U.S., he should call the police and get a restraining order put on Rick Perry.

I'm droolin' if I'm foolin'. If McCain, a Republican, wants to be the man who hears "Hail to the Chief" break out when he enters a room, he should make it illegal for the Texas governor to come within 100 yards of him.

On Thursday, Perry endorsed McCain for president. Perry, a former Air Force pilot, said he would "fly wing" for McCain if that's what he wanted.

I'll bet that and a large red boil on the end of his nose were two things McCain really wanted when he got out of bed Friday, right? These days, getting the support of a Texan when you're running for office is sort of like a real-life version of getting a fortune cookie that says "Dead man walking."

You think I'm kidding? Previously, Perry endorsed Rudy Giuliani, and look at all the good that did him. Before Perry backed him, Giuliani was the lead dog for president on the Republican dog sled team. After Perry endorsed him, Giuliani was looking at dog butts.

So if McCain knows what's good for him, he should call the cops and make it impossible for Perry to be in the same building. Put some kind of buzzer on Perry that goes off whenever he gets too close to McCain, OK? Imagine how you'd feel if you were running for something — anything — and a Texan came out in favor of you.

Have you noticed how few appearances President Bush has made lately with candidates? It's like he's got an STD.

Something tells me that McCain doesn't even want to appear standing next to Perry in a photo. What McCain's handlers should do is keep watch, and holler, "Here he comes," if Perry tries to sneak up on him. This would give McCain a chance to duck out the back door.

I know. It could have been worse. Perry could have backed Mitt Romney. With those two heads, you could see hair from space.

Oh, I can understand why Perry is so desperate to back a winner. Who among us hasn't wanted to be, say, the next ambassador to Albania? The man obviously wants a Washington gig. I mean, look how fast he switched allegiances after Giuliani's campaign went in the dumper.

On Tuesday, Giuliani took it in the shorts when he came up short in the Florida primary. He ended up dropping out of the race and backing McCain. On Thursday, Perry was also snuggling up next to McCain. Now that's quick. If you switched wives that fast, you'd get busted for bigamy.

Maybe McCain could make Perry the secretary of hair. But McCain's best bet right now is to stay the heck away from him. Otherwise, the only way he'll get in the White House is to go on the tour.

[John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 512-445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

Get an RSS (Really Simple Syndication) Reader at no cost from Google. Another free Reader is available at RSS Reader.