Draft Bernie Madoff To Sell Worthless Paper (aka Shares Of Toxic Assets)! Stat!

In a stroke of genius, Andy Borowitz nominates the best man to lead the effort to sell shares of "toxic assets" to suck , er, taxpayer/investors. This is an idea whose time has come! If this is (fair & balanced) wackiness, so be it.

[x The Huffington Post]
Madoff To Help U.S. Sell Bad Assets
By Andy Borowitz

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accompanied added along armed arrangement assets bad bernie buy campaign carry chief confessed convince desperate economic emanuel financial forehead guards hoping house institutions investors madoff magic mastermind matters meetings mr night obama officials piece rahm raise sale secretary sell spearhead staff swindler toxic treasury tries trillion turned unusual white worth

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The Obama administration, hoping to find investors to buy $1 trillion worth of so-called "toxic" assets from U.S. financial institutions, has turned to confessed swindler Bernie Madoff to mastermind the sales campaign.

While White House officials acknowledged that joining forces with the jail-bound scam artist was likely to raise some eyebrows, privately they are hoping that when it comes to selling bad assets to investors, the "Madoff magic" will carry the day.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said on CNN last night. "If anyone can convince investors to buy a worthless piece of paper, it's Bernie Madoff."

Under the unusual arrangement, Mr. Madoff will be temporarily sprung from his prison cell and permitted to have meetings with prospective investors to sell them on American financial institutions' $1 trillion worth of bad assets, accompanied by a phalanx of armed guards.

"The guards wanted to bring dogs along to chase Madoff if he tries to make a run for it, but we felt that would undercut his credibility with investors," Mr. Emanuel said.

The chief of staff added that having Mr. Madoff spearhead the sale of toxic assets would free up Mr. Obama for more pressing matters, "like appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live."

In other economic news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he would raise much-needed capital for the U.S. Treasury by accepting billboard advertising on his forehead. ♥

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the Borowitz Report, a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. He is the author of five humor books, including The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers, a 2005 finalist for the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His most recent book is The Republican Playbook. Borowitz is a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College, Class of 1980.]

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