I once worked for the Walt Disney Company during my last year at the University of Denver. Walt—as he was called within the Company—had built an entertainment center in the early 1960s in southeast Denver on Colorado Boulevard: Celebrity Lanes. This bowling palace also contained an indoor water park. My two college roommates and I were hired as waiters in the bowling alley with more than 100 lanes. The most vivid memory from that ill-fated adventure was taking orders during a women's league night. I was stationed in an area where the women looked juiced. Several of the bowlers were smoking cigars (Long before women and cigars were fashionable.) and one of the teams was sponsored by a moving and transit company. All of those women could have lifted most anything in a household. Anyway, I picked up empty beer bottles and glasses and the like. I picked up a bottle with a swallow left in the bottom and one of the bowlers whirled around and snarled: "Leave the bottle, you son-of-a-bitch!" I beat a hasty retreat and left Walt Disney's employ not long after that encounter. Woody Allen would have loved the scene. If this is (fair & balanced) phantasm, so be it.
[x New Yorker]
Surprise Rocks Disney Trial
by Woody Allen
The Walt Disney Company shareholder suit over the severance package paid to departing president Michael Ovitz was jolted today by the testimony of an unexpected witness, who was questioned by counsel for the entertainment giant.
Counsel: Will the witness please state his name.
Witness: Mickey Mouse.
C: Please tell the court your occupation.
W: Animated rodent.
C: Were you friendly with Michael Eisner?
W: I wouldn’t say friendly—we had dinner together a number of times. Once he and his wife had Minnie and me to their house.
C: Did you ever discuss business with him?
W: I was present at a breakfast between Mr. Eisner, Roy Disney, Pluto, and Goofy.
C: Where was this breakfast?
W: At the Beverly Hills Hotel.
C: Were there any other witnesses?
W: Steven Spielberg stopped at our table to say hello . . . oh, and Daffy Duck.
C: You’re acquainted with Daffy Duck?
W: Daffy Duck and I had met at a dinner at Sue Mengers’ home some months back and had become friendly.
C: I take it Mr. Eisner did not approve of this relationship with Daffy Duck?
W: We quarrelled over it several times.
C: What finally happened?
W: I eventually stopped seeing Daffy when he became a Scientologist.
C: I direct you back to the breakfast. Do you recall what was discussed?
W: Mr. Eisner said that he planned to hire Michael Ovitz, the head of C.A.A.
C: How did you feel about that?
W: I was surprised, but Pluto took the news harder. He seemed despondent.
C: Why despondent?
W: He was worried because Mr. Ovitz had a much closer relationship with Goofy, and Pluto felt his screen time might be reduced.
C: So you were aware of a “special relationship” between Mr. Ovitz and Goofy?
W: I knew that when Mr. Ovitz was an agent he had courted Goofy, and if I’m not mistaken the two shared a house together in Aspen.
C: Did there come a time when they became closer?
W: Mr. Ovitz stood by Goofy when he was busted in Malibu.
C: Is it true Goofy had a drug problem?
W: He was addicted to Percodan.
C: How long had that been going on?
W: Goofy went on painkillers after a flop he took in a cartoon. He parachuted off the Empire State Building with an umbrella and hurt his back.
C: And?
W: Mr. Ovitz was responsible for getting Goofy into the Betty Ford Center.
C: Did you ever tell Mr. Eisner of your apprehensions over his plan to hire Mr. Ovitz?
W: Minnie and I discussed it. We knew they’d clash.
C: Did you bring it up with anyone besides your wife?
W: Dumbo, Bambi—I really can’t remember. Oh, yes—Jiminy Cricket, one time at Barbra Streisand’s house. She threw a party for Jiminy when he bought his place in Trancas.
C: And was anything concluded?
W: Dumbo felt that Donald Duck should talk to Mr. Eisner about our concerns because Mr. Eisner always seemed to listen to Donald. As he put it, Donald was “one of the deepest ducks he’d ever met.” The two spent a lot of time together in Donald’s pond.
C: And was the relationship reciprocal?
W: Oh, yes. Donald lived at Mr. Eisner’s home for six months when he and Daisy Duck were separated. Donald had been having an affair with Petunia Pig, Porky’s girlfriend. It was a no-no at Disney to socialize with creatures from a competing studio, but in Donald’s case Mr. Eisner chose to look the other way, which upset the shareholders.
C: This was the affair you referred to in your deposition?
W: Yes. My memory’s hazy on this—but I think Donald was introduced to Petunia Pig at the home of Jeffrey Katzenberg.
C: You were present?
W: Yes—myself, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Jack Nicholson. I believe Sean Penn, Wile E. Coyote, the Roadrunner—
C: Tom and Jerry?
W: No, they were at est that weekend.
C: It was six months later when Mr. Katzenberg and Mr. Eisner became involved in a lawsuit. Do you recall those details?
W: It had to do with Mr. Eisner promising stock options to Bugs Bunny if he would come to work at Disney.
C: And did Bugs?
W: No. Bugs is his own man. At that time he wanted to take a year off to write a novel.
C: Getting back to the party—do you recall what happened next?
W: Yes. Donald Duck got drunk and made a pass at Nicole Kidman. It was extremely embarrassing because at the time she and Tom Cruise were still married. Donald was rather hostile to Tom, I recall, and felt Tom was being offered all the roles he wanted. I recall Mr. Eisner at that party taking Donald outside to calm him down.
C: Do you recall what happened next?
W: On the lawn of Mr. Katzenberg’s house Donald met Petunia Pig. He found her very beautiful and very exciting and I know they liked a lot of the same music groups. And Donald always had a problem with anger management. He had been on Prozac for years because he’d become convinced his career had tanked and soon he would wind up on a Cantonese menu. Despite Mr. Eisner’s advice, Donald began seeing Porky’s girlfriend on the sly.
C: To the best of your knowledge, how long did the affair continue?
W: For about a year. Petunia told Donald she couldn’t keep seeing him because she’d fallen deeply in love with Warren Beatty and he with her. If you recall, Warren took her to the Cannes Film Festival.
C: Did there come a time when Daisy Duck threw Donald out?
W: Yes, and Mr. Eisner took him in and let him live at his house till Donald and Daisy finally agreed that they’d live together again but have an open relationship sexually.
C: So, to the best of your recollection, did anyone at all ever tell Mr. Eisner it might not be a good idea to hire Mr. Ovitz?
W: The night of the Academy Awards I brought it up to Pinocchio but he didn’t want to get involved.
C: And so you’re saying neither Pinocchio nor anyone else warned Mr. Eisner that he and Mr. Ovitz might be an incompatible match.
W: To the best of my knowledge, that’s correct.
C: And when the job didn’t work out the subject came up of Mr. Ovitz’s severance package—the hundred-and-forty-million-dollar payment? Did Mr. Ovitz ever feel it was excessive?
W: I just know that Jiminy Cricket was often perched on Mr. Ovitz’s shoulder and advised him to always let his conscience be his guide.
C: And?
W: The rest is history.
C: Your witness.
Allan Stewart Konigsberg (Woody Allen) is one of the most honored and successful filmmaker/actors in the industry. He won dual Academy Awards for Best Director and Best Original Screenplay, in addition to being nominated for Best Actor, for the classic hit comedy "Annie Hall," which also received the Oscar for the Best Picture of 1977. He won another Best Original Screenplay Oscar, as well as a Best Director nomination for his work on "Hannah and Her Sisters," in which he also starred.
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