Be Aware Of Your Surroundings: They're Out There

Last Sunday, this blog featured the "humor" column by the Austin Fishwrap's faux redneck columnist, John Kelso. Pretend-redneck Kelso took on the The Mighty Quinnette and some jerk (a dumbass Dumbo) posted a comment in this blog: "You Suck!" Just as this blogger wiped the tears from his eyes because of this heartless attack, the Dumbo attack dogs began circling The Hopester. When push comes to shove, the Dumbos will resort to the rope. "There's an empty tree over there, hang the sumbitch." And, if there isn't a rope available, they'll plant a bomb in a church and kill little girls. Kelso had better hire someone to taste his food and someone to start his car before he gets in. Kelso is correcto-mundo: they're out there. If this is (fair & balanced) repudiation of Hockey Moms, Joe Six-Packs, and Stupid Dumbos, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Counterpunch To Light Jabs At Palin: Racist Responses
By John Kelso

My Sunday column poking fun at Sarah Palin for her outdoorsy huntin' and fishin' ways brought out the worst in people.

Hey, it's nice to know they're out there. Or, as the police say, be aware of your surroundings.

Take this message that came in Sunday on my voicemail.

"As usual I appreciate your sarcastic comedy in your column, but I think you have to go with some equal time," said the caller, who didn't leave his name or number. "Let's talk about Obama, and chitlin' and collard greens in every pot. National barbecue pit. And maybe we could have a watermelon thump and seed spitting contest on the South Lawn. If you're going to rip into somebody, give equal time and don't be scared to go after somebody just because of their race. Since you don't seem to be afraid of going after somebody because of their gender."

My column about Palin didn't go after her gender. I did include one old redneck line: "No matter how good-lookin' she is, somebody somewhere is tired of her (schtick)." (Although I'm sure there are some hunk guys out there who women would feel the same way about.) The only other reference in the column that could be considered gender-based was a joke about Louis Vuitton coming out with a sequined holster if Palin becomes president. Although if you've seen "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," you could see how that joke could go either way.

Besides, who's the big chicken here? I'd say the feathered plucker in this operation is the caller. He was happy to drop off his racist observations, but he didn't have the guts to leave his name.

I can tell from his comments that Henry the Chicken Hawk isn't from around here. Texans know barbecue isn't race-based. Just about everybody in Texas barbecues regardless of skin color, church or bumper sticker. Besides, the guy who holds the all-time record at the Luling Watermelon Thump seed-spitting contest, at 68 feet 9 1/8 inches, is a white guy named Lee Wheelis.

So I'm pretty sure whoever left these remarks is a Yankee. So am I, but I'm not an uninformed one.

Then there's Timothy Shanley, 48, who has only been in Austin a year and was born and raised in a Chicago neighborhood.

"Do you have the intestinal fortitude to print my opinion in your little corner of the Statesman?" he wrote in an e-mail.

Yeah, it's lookin' like it.

Shanley played off my remark that there would be log rolling on the White House lawn if Palin became president, by painting a picture of what he thought the White House might look like with a black guy in charge.

"Will there be bar b-q and old Cadillacs on milk crates, with the musical stylings of Tupac or 50 Cent keeping the neighbors up?" he wrote. "I would rather have log rolling than blunt rolling on the South Lawn."

So there you go. They're out there. Keep your eyes peeled.

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (N.H.) Union-Leader; The Boonville (Mo.) Daily News; The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, and the Racine (Wis.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

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Reborn In The USA

The Boss spoke (and performed — alas, the clip of that performance seems to be unavailable.) However, Springsteen's final words call for people to join "The Rising." If this is (fair & balanced) patriotism, so be it.

[x YouTube/Wannabemedic Channel]
Bruce Springsteen — "The Rising" (2002)

[x Salon]
Springsteen: "I Want My Country Back"
By Joan Walsh

"Hello Philly,

"I am glad to be here today for this voter registration drive and for Barack Obama, the next President of the United States.

"I've spent 35 years writing about America, its people, and the meaning of the American Promise. The Promise that was handed down to us, right here in this city from our founding fathers, with one instruction: Do your best to make these things real. Opportunity, equality, social and economic justice, a fair shake for all of our citizens, the American idea, as a positive influence, around the world for a more just and peaceful existence. These are the things that give our lives hope, shape, and meaning. They are the ties that bind us together and give us faith in our contract with one another.

"I've spent most of my creative life measuring the distance between that American promise and American reality. For many Americans, who are today losing their jobs, their homes, seeing their retirement funds disappear, who have no healthcare, or who have been abandoned in our inner cities. The distance between that promise and that reality has never been greater or more painful.

"I believe Senator Obama has taken the measure of that distance in his own life and in his work. I believe he understands, in his heart, the cost of that distance, in blood and suffering, in the lives of everyday Americans. I believe as president, he would work to restore that promise to so many of our fellow citizens who have justifiably lost faith in its meaning. After the disastrous administration of the past 8 years, we need someone to lead us in an American reclamation project. In my job, I travel the world, and occasionally play big stadiums, just like Senator Obama. I've continued to find, wherever I go, America remains a repository of people's hopes, possibilities, and desires, and that despite the terrible erosion to our standing around the world, accomplished by our recent administration, we remain, for many, a house of dreams. One thousand George Bushes and one thousand Dick Cheneys will never be able to tear that house down.

"They will, however, be leaving office, dropping the national tragedies of Katrina, Iraq, and our financial crisis in our laps. Our sacred house of dreams has been abused, looted, and left in a terrible state of disrepair. It needs care; it needs saving, it needs defending against those who would sell it down the river for power or a quick buck. It needs strong arms, hearts, and minds. It needs someone with Senator Obama's understanding, temperateness, deliberativeness, maturity, compassion, toughness, and faith, to help us rebuild our house once again. But most importantly, it needs us. You and me. To build that house with the generosity that is at the heart of the American spirit. A house that is truer and big enough to contain the hopes and dreams of all of our fellow citizens. That is where our future lies. We will rise or fall as a people by our ability to accomplish this task. Now I don't know about you, but I want that dream back, I want my America back, I want my country back.

"So now is the time to stand with Barack Obama and Joe Biden, roll up our sleeves, and come on up for the rising."

Bruce Springsteen — Philadelphia, PA — October 4, 2008

Copyright © 2008 Salon Media Group, Inc.

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Ha, Ha

The Dumbos are running on empty (gas tanks and heads). With the Dumbos, less is less. The New Dust Bowl of '08 is between their floppy ears. If this is a (fair & balanced) mental drought, so be it.

[x Salon]
This Modern World
By Tom Tomorrow (Dan Perkins)

Click on image to enlarge.

Tom Tomorrow/Dan Perkins

[Dan Perkins is an editorial cartoonist better known by the pen name "Tom Tomorrow". His weekly comic strip, "This Modern World," which comments on current events from a strong liberal perspective, appears regularly in approximately 150 papers across the U.S., as well as on Salon and Working for Change. The strip debuted in 1990 in SF Weekly.

Perkins, a long time resident of Brooklyn, New York, currently lives in Connecticut. He received the Robert F. Kennedy Award for Excellence in Journalism in both 1998 and 2002.

When he is not working on projects related to his comic strip, Perkins writes a daily political weblog, also entitled "This Modern World," which he began in December 2001.]

Copyright © 2008 Salon Media Group, Inc.

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