Thursday, February 16, 2017

Are Tiny Hands An Indicator Of Brain-Size??

Today, The Noo Yawker gave this blogger a pair of LOL-moments: the tiny hands shtick in Tom Toro's 'toon and Andy Borowitz's alt-news item about the Feds special ordering tiny handcuffs for a person of interest. Tiny hands require tiny handcuffs and it follows that the perp wears XS (extra-small) undergarment to hold the teeniest body part in check. It would be impossible to make up the February Follies. Just this AM, this blogger found his favorite breakfast place closed with a sign on the door that merely said "Closed on February 16, 2017." The blogger left, thinking that there was a funeral involving one or more of the place's employees. Upon returning home, the blogger opened his browser to receive a news alert from the local fishwrap. A significant number of Austin eating establishments were closing on February 16th in solidarity with a nationwide strike by Latino/Latina food workers in protest about the surge by ICE agents across the nation. Let the Stupids go hungry. In fact, starvation is too good for them. If this (fair & balanced) resistance — ¡ VIVA LA HUELGA ! (Long live the Strike!)

[x New Yorker]
FBI To Special Order A Pair Of Tiny Handcuffs
By Andy Borowitz

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The Federal Bureau of Investigation is special-ordering a pair of “tiny handcuffs,” an FBI spokesman confirmed on Wednesday.

The spokesman, Harland Dorrinson, downplayed the significance of the handcuff purchase, calling it “strictly routine.”

“In reviewing our inventory of handcuffs, we found that we only had models that fit normal-sized hands,” Dorrinson said. “This order is intended to remedy that.”

The FBI spokesperson said that, if regulation-sized handcuffs were used on a suspect with “extremely small or tiny hands,” the suspect could slip out of them and elude capture.

“That’s the scenario we’re trying to avoid with these minuscule handcuffs,” he said.

Dorrinson would not speculate when the special-ordered pair of microscopic handcuffs might be used, but he added that the F.B.I. expects to receive them “by the end of the day at the very latest.”

“If by chance we need to apprehend someone with abnormally small, mouse-sized hands, we will be ready,” he said. ###

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the "Borowitz Report," a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist (2012). Borowitz received a BA (English magna cum laude)from Harvard University.]

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