A great many droll and LOL-funny folks have graced this blog, but Jay Martell has created a Netiquette masterpiece. The thought occurs that this blog should offer an F.A.Q. (or, as this blogger has always written: FAQ no cumbersome periods) opportunity, but this blogger lay down until the urge passed. So, be satisfied with Jay Martell. If this is a (fair & balanced) suggestion that you go FAQ yourself, so be it.
[x New Yorker]
F.A.Q.s About F.A.Q.s
By Jay Martel
Tag Cloud of the following article
(Click to embiggen)
Q: What is a frequently asked question?
A: Frequently asked questions, or F.A.Q.s, are lists of questions and corresponding answers intended to answer common queries about a particular subject.
Q: Why do I often find my question missing from the F.A.Q.s?
A: By their very definition, lists of frequently asked questions strive to include all questions that are frequently asked. If you don’t find your particular question, the most likely reason is that it isn’t frequently asked.
Q: I find this difficult to believe. I mean, I’ve put the question several times to friends and family members before consulting the F.A.Q. Doesn’t asking a question several times constitute a frequently asked question?
A: “Frequently asked” actually means “frequently asked by thousands of users,” not “frequently asked by one user.” Creators of these lists use highly scientific means to determine which questions are truly—and universally—frequently asked. If you can’t find your question, chances are that the problem isn’t the F.A.Q.s, it’s you.
Q: I’m sorry—did you just say that I’m the problem?
A: Yes. Most likely.
Q: How is that in any way helpful?
A: We strive to help all users understand the limits of an F.A.Q.s’ capabilities, especially users who think that if they can’t answer a question that millions of other people apparently can, it’s the F.A.Q.s’ fault for not having that answer. This is much like a mentally challenged person who can’t open a door blaming the door for not coming with instructions.
Q: So now I’m mentally challenged?!
A: This is what’s called a “metaphor.” Please consult any F.A.Q.s about grammar.
Q: Why are you so rude?
A: For that answer, you would have to consult an F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s. But your time might be better served by simply abandoning your search for a magic answer and taking responsibility for your own profound ignorance.
A: We’re just saying that looking to deflect responsibility for your own stupidity onto rigorously and scientifically assembled lists of users’ common questions only makes you look stupider.
Q: Stop calling me stupid! Who the hell do you think you are?
A: Frequently asked questions about frequently asked questions, or F.A.Q.s about F.A.Q.s, are lists of questions and corresponding answers intended to answer common queries about F.A.Q.s.
Q: I wasn’t asking you that question literally. Are you telling me you didn’t know that?
A: We did. We were being deliberately obtuse.
Q: Jesus! Is there anything else I can do to get my questions answered?
A: It could be that F.A.Q.s are just not for you. In the future, you may want to find a different source of information and avoid F.A.Q.s altogether, or “F.A.Q. off.”
Q: Excuse me—did you just tell me to “F.A.Q. off”?
Q: Why don’t you go F.A.Q. yourself, you smug F.A.Q.ing motherF.A.Q.er?
A: While this is a frequently asked question, it is a difficult one to answer. Any serious response would involve complex nanotechnology as well as metaphysics. In any case, you have demonstrated an inability to grasp simple concepts, and are unlikely to understand. You’re a moron, but, of course, you know that—that’s why you’re reading this.
Q: I F.A.Q.ing hate you!
A: I’m sorry, that’s not a question. Ω
[Jay Martel served as Consulting Producer on Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11," winner of the Palme d'Or at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival. His long-time collaboration with Moore includes stints as a writer, producer and correspondent on the Emmy Award-nominated series "The Awful Truth" (Bravo), and as the Head Writer on the Emmy Award-winning "TV Nation" (NBC and Fox). Martel wrote the VH-1 movie, "Warning: Parental Advisory" and worked as a producer on "Strangers with Candy" (Comedy Central). He's created TV series for MTV and Nickelodeon and seven of his plays have been produced in New York, including the critically acclaimed "Death in a Landslide." As a journalist, he's written for GQ, Mother Jones, TV Guide and Vogue, and for six years was a Contributing Editor at Rolling Stone. Martel has been nominated three times for national Emmy Awards and twice for Writers' Guild Awards. He is a graduate of Endicott College (MA).]
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