Kelso's Recession-Beating Strategeries

John Kelso is the Resident Redneck for the Austin Fishwrap. From time to time, Kelso makes this blogger smile. If this is (fair & balanced) jocosity, so be it.

[x Austn Fishwrap]
Beat The Recession: Karaoke With A 24-Pack, Trailer Tacos, and Charades
By John Kelso

I got a lobster for Christmas.

Of course, in this economy, it wasn't one of those lobsters with drawn butter that requires a bib.

No, this is a battery-powered plastic lobster that sits in a little bowl. It's a decorative lobster, and it lives on a counter in the kitchen. Turn on the battery, and the lobster bobs around in the water. It's a lobster that matches the stock market crash. It's a cheap lobster. I saw one just like it Thursday morning at Walgreen's for $5.99.

In this economy, that's the only lobster I'm enjoying. These days, we all need to figure out what we can do without to save money. Yes, money — you may remember that stuff. There actually used to be some. So here are some steps you can take to whittle away those things you really don't need to be spending money on.

• Running the air conditioner in your car burns up gasoline. So instead of turning the A/C on, stick your head out the window and drive real fast.


• Instead of taking a shirt to the laundry, take a deodorant stick and rub it under the armpits.


• Never buy a brand of beer that doesn't come at least 24 cans to the box. And remember you can get just as drunk on a $17 bottle of tequila as you can on one that costs $45.


• Don't eat at places where you have to go inside and get a table. You can save by dining at establishments where the food is served out of a trailer.


• Never eat at a place that uses the expression "market price" to explain what something costs on the menu. Market price means about $4,500 a pound.


• If you're silly enough to spend $3.25 on cappuccino, complain about all the foam and get the counter person to fill it up again for free.


• Remember that it's always cheaper to eat in a place where "Mom's" is part of the name.


• Instead of going to see Bruce Springsteen, attend karaoke night and do his greatest hits yourself.


• Get rid of your cell phone and just holler at your friends across the street.


• It's always a cost-cutting measure if you go to a show that refers to itself as "Open Mike Night."


• Instead of renting a movie, play charades and act out the plot yourself.


• Those little nubs of soap that collect in the shower aren't too small to use over again if you jam them together and roll them up into a large ball.


• Instead of feeding your dog, figure out when the neighbor is feeding his dog, put your dog over the fence, and let them fight it out.


• To save gas, whenever you're going downhill, throw your car into neutral and coast. ♥

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (N.H.) Union-Leader; The Boonville (Mo.) Daily News; The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, and the Racine (Wis.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

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