Friday, August 21, 2009

Today's Quiz: What 3 People Are Defined By An Empty Suit, An Empty Heart, And An Empty Head?

Bill Maher is the host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher," on Fridays at 10:00 p.m. Eastern Time. Maher ends each show with a series of a half-dozen (more or less) rants he calls "New Rules." Tonight (08/21/09), he ended the show with am attack on (surprise, surprise) Dumbo stupidity and arrogance. Maher is a man after my own insult. If this is a (fair & balanced) apology, so be it.

[x HuffPost]
New Rule #6: No Shame in Being The Sorry Party
By Bill Maher

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If Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin all think America has never done anything wrong, we must be doing something wrong. Look at them: an empty suit, an empty heart and an empty head. It looks like the news team on Good Morning Hell. And what they've been competing about lately is who would not apologize the most. America is infallible, and apologies are horrible things that must never, ever be given. Except by me when I make a joke about the Pope. "We're perfect — deal with it," is their new handshake. But I say, what's wrong with America occasionally saying, "I'm sorry"? Because these are the three sorriest white people I've ever seen.

If in your eyes America can do no wrong, you should really look into Lasik surgery. There's the rational, mature assessment of our country: that it's a great nation — especially if you like fried foods — but it also has its faults. And then there's the Republican view: that it's perfect and pure in every way and it's always right all the time, just like Leviticus and Ronald Reagan.

If the founders were alive today, Republicans would be giving them shit because the Preamble to the Constitution says, "In order to form a more perfect union? Hello, it's already perfect! Why are you suggesting American apologetics, Ben Franklin?"

One of the things that makes Republicans furious about our current president is their idea that Obama is always apologizing for America's biggest mistakes. Unlike President Bush. Who was one of America's biggest mistakes.

In his first week as president, Obama did an interview with Arab TV in which he said, "We sometimes make mistakes. We have not been perfect." Thought crime! And then he went to Cairo and violated one of those absolute eternal rules the Right Wing is always making up out of thin air: "The president must never apologize on foreign soil. Lest our allies begin to doubt that we're assholes. "

But what did Obama actually say to make Karl Rove's head explode and the popcorn fly out? Cover your children's ears: When he was asked if he believed in American exceptionalism, he said he did, the same way "the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks in Greek exceptionalism." Yes, our so-called president actually said people in other countries might like their countries better. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the Bible I was using to help me masturbate into my gun.

In her farewell speech — if only — Sarah Palin kept telling us "how she's wired." Now I'm not a doctor, or an electrician -- but this is faulty wiring, this worldview that, in her words, "we should never apologize for our country." Really? Never? Not for slavery? Or Japanese internment camps, or if we tortured the wrong guy at Guantanamo? The Indians? Nothing, Sarah? "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? Shouldn't John McCain apologize for... you?

When did intractability become a virtue? Mitt Romney's new book is called No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. You can find it at Borders, in the "Suck-Up" section. It's such a perfect title, combining paranoia with arrogance: "No one has yet asked me to apologize but, if someone ever does, fuck them."

Conservatives think apologizing is a sign of weakness. It's what liberal pussies do, when they're not busy driving electric cars and feeling empathy. When in fact it's the weak and the scared who are too insecure to apologize. Apologies are actually a sign of strength. That's why six-year-olds hate them.

In Rwanda, after a genocide that killed a million people, they set up special courts where people stood up and said, "Hey, sorry I macheted your entire family. My bad." And believe it or not, in most cases, that was enough. That's the power of an apology. A recent study reveals that doctors who are willing to apologize to patients for their mistakes are sued for malpractice about half as much as doctors who aren't willing to apologize.

Apologies can do great things, and they can enable great things. And if you still don't believe me, I have three words for you: make-up sex. Ω

[William (Bill) Maher, Jr., is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He hosted the late-night television talk show "Politically Incorrect" on Comedy Central and ABC, and is currently the star of "Real Time with Bill Maher" on HBO. Maher received his Bachelor of Arts in English from Cornell University in 1978.]

Copyright © 2009 HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.

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Copyright © 2009 Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves

What's The Refrain To "Cotton-Eyed Tom"? Like Everything Else: "Male Bovine Excrement!"

The pretend-GOB (Good Ol' Boy) in today's Austin Fishwrap got off on The Hammer (Former House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay of Sugar Land, TX). When The Hammer wasn't killin' cockroaches (with his extermination bidness), he must have been dancin' somewhere. Now, The Hammer is going to be a contestant on ABC's "Dancing With The Stars." As Tom Lehrer sang of George Murphy, who made the move from Hollywood to the U.S. Senate before Dutch got out of the gate (let alone inspired The Terminator): "At last we've got a Senator who can really give us a song and a dance." If this a (fair & balanced) sign of the Apocalypse, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
DeLay's Gonna Show The World What Kinda Heel He Really Is
By John Kelso

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"Cotton-Eyed Joe"

[x YouTube/AATW1969 Channel]
"Cotton-Eyed Joe" (2007)
By Ray Benson and Asleep At The Wheel

I'd been married long time ago
had not been for cotton-eyed Joe
Where did you come from..where did he go
Where did you come from cotton-eyed Joe?
Got a ball-peen hammer and a two by four
Gonna whip the hell out of Cotton-eyed Joe
Where did you come from...where did he go
Where did you come from...Cotton-eyed Joe
Now what you say...(Bull-shit!)
Y'all say what...(Bull-shit!)
Still can't hear you..(Bull-shit!)
...Cotton-eyed Joe


When I think of Tom DeLay, the word "ballroom" doesn't leap into my mind.

The guy just doesn't strike me as a dancing fool. He probably gets the terminology mixed up with dentistry. You know, flossie flossie one, flossie flossie two.

Oh sure, politicians just like anybody else are capable of enjoying normal entertainment activities, like hunting and hiking and hiring hookers. And text-messaging by loafer in an airport men's room.

But Tom DeLay on "Dancing with the Stars"? That's stretching reality.

Next month, the Republican former U.S. House majority leader will help ABC's dance show kick off its ninth season when the warm and cuddly DeLay hoofs his way into your hearts.

DeLay's dance routine will lead to lib protest chants like this one: "Hey hey, Tom DeLay, how many toes did you crush today?"

Can you think of anyone more awkward for "Dancing With the Stars"? OK, so Hillary Clinton. Ain't nobody gonna call her Diddy any time soon.

On the other hand, since DeLay is a Texan from Sugar Land, and the Cotton-Eyed Joe is a Texas dance famous for use of a certain description for cow droppings, let's just change DeLay's name to something more dance-appropriate for the show: Cotton-Eyed Tom.

This shoe leather gig could present a challenge for Cotton-Eyed Tom, who was indicted on money-laundering charges. Which means he could have got stuck dancing with a ball and chain. (As opposed to dancing with the old ball and chain.)

Ever tried to do the mashed potato while wearing a money belt and carrying around all those big fat checks? No easy task, friends and neighbors. That's a lot of stuff to trip over when you're trying to fox trot.

I sure hope ABC convinces DeLay to take a few turns with former Travis County D.A. Ronnie Earle. Seems like an obvious dance card pairing.

Talk about a Texas two-step, as in Step 1: Earle tries to nail him, and Step 2: Cotton-Eyed Tom gets a great attorney and dances right on outta here.

In a situation like this, who leads? This could be the first dance contest ever that begins with, "All rise."

This is not the first time "Dancing With the Stars" looks like it should change its name to "Dancing Behind Bars." Rapper Lil' Kim, who made it onto the show, did 10 months in prison.

But it should be one heckuva arts evening, especially if the network has DeLay jitterbug with Nancy Pelosi. Who needs Xtreme Fighting when you've got the kind of fireworks those two kids would set off if they went cheek to cheek?

So come on, everybody, let's do the loco-motion. Ω

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (NH) Union-Leader; The Boonville (MO) Daily News; The Palm Beach (FL) Post, and the Racine (WI.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2009 Austin American-Statesman

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