Friday, February 01, 2008

I Resemble That Cartoon

Did you ever see yourself in a newspaper item? This AM, while reading the Austin Fishwrap, I saw myself in the "funny papers." One of my favorite comic strips is "Dilbert." Today, I saw myself in geeky Dilbert. If this is (fair & balanced) self-discovery, so be it.



[x Dilbert]

Substitute this blogger for 'Dilbert'
Click on image to enlarge. Copright © 2008 Scott Adams


[Scott Raymond Adams is the creator of the "Dilbert" comic strip and the author of several business commentaries, social satires, and experimental philosophy books.]


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Carpetbagger Kelso Weighs In On The Stupid (Snore) Bowl

John Kelso arrived in Austin in 1976. The New England-born Kelso made his way to Austin via South Florida and Wisconsin after a military stint in Germany where he cut his teeth as a humor columnist for the post fishwrap. Now, Kelso holds forth as if he was born in the Lone Star State with an inborn dislike of Oklahoma and Sooners. Despite the lack of Texas bona fides, Kelso is a funny dude who can write LOL pieces and this riff on the Stupid Bowl is an example. (As Dallas Cowboys renegade running back, Duane Thomas, put it before the 1971 Super Bowl, "If this is the Ultimate Game, why are they going to have one next year?") If this is (fair & balanced) Baja Oklahoma humor, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Yankee Bowl got you all befuddled? Here's a quick primer: Bad blood between Boston and New York is like our beef with Oklahoma.
By John Kelso

So it's New York against Boston in Sunday's Super Bowl, and you can't decide who to root for, since you're a Texan, and you don't understand the bitter feud between these Back East cities.

So let's explain it this way: It's kinda like our war with Oklahoma. You've got two groups of people who hate each other's guts because they're pretty much identical. Let's face it. You really can't tell a Texan from an Okie unless you check his DNA for a teeth shortage. Same thing with New Yorkers and Bostonians, except they have a legitimate reason for not liking each other. They're both Yankees. So what's to like?

With that in mind, let's go over some of the differences so maybe you can figure out who to go with — Giants or Pats.

Boston was settled after a group of religious fanatics stepped off a ship onto a rock at nearby Plymouth. New York started up when somebody handed a passel of cheap beadwork to the Indians and stole Manhattan for cheap. There's no truth to the rumor that the guy with the beads was one of Donald Trump's ancestors, and that at the time he said, "You Indians, you're fired."

Compared with Boston, New York is wimpy because if you want somebody offed there, you have to go to New Jersey to find a decent hit man. In Boston, if you want somebody dead, you just give them driving directions to the nearest traffic circle.

New York has the Statue of Liberty and "give me your tired and your poor." Boston has Bunker Hill and "don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes." Of course, back in New York the locals figure Bunker Hill was named after Archie. Although the feminists will claim it was Edith.

Boston had Roger Clemens when he was young. New York got Roger Clemens when he was older and magically buff.

In New York, Babe Ruth was a legend. In Boston, a Baby Ruth is a candy bar.

In New York, a codpiece is worn by the male lead in some Broadway Shakespearean productions; in Boston, a cod piece means you didn't finish your lunch.

New Yorkers ruin their clam chowder by putting tomatoes in it. Boston has clam chowder with actual clams.

Sure, New York has lobster, but they have to ask folks in Boston how to get the meat out of it.

Boston has beans, but so does New York — Rudy Giuliani is full of 'em.

You can get mugged just about anywhere in New York. If you want to get mugged in Boston, try Filene's Basement during a sale.

And lots of luck finding a college football team in either town with livestock on the sidelines. Trust me. There's just something wrong with these people.

[John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman


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Governor Goodhair Bets On The Wrong Horse

Governor Goodhair ended a news conference a few years back by saying to an adversarial reporter, "Adiós, MoFo." The Urban Dictionary site defines MoFo as "a shortened version of the word Motherf**ker." So much for inspirational leaders. I imagine that Rudy would feel right at home talking about MoFos with Governor Goodhair. While Senator McCain lived with salty language in the U.S. Navy, I don't know if he would exhibit such word-choice. It will be a great day — on a par with the coming Inauguration Day 2009 — when we can say "Adiós, MoFo" to both The Dubster and Goodhair. If this is a (fair & balanced) linguistic fantasy, so be it.



[x Austin Fishwrap]
Goodhair's Folly
Click on image to enlarge. Copyright © 2008 Ben Sargent

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Perry endorses McCain with Giullani out
By W. Gardner Selby

Gov. Rick Perry, following Rudy Giuliani's lead, endorsed U.S. Sen. John McCain for president Thursday amid uncertainty among Texas Republicans about whether the state will play a meaningful role in choosing the party's nominee.

Perry, a former Air Force pilot, visited by telephone with McCain, who was a pilot and prisoner of war in the Vietnam War.

Rick Perry Governor previously endorsed Rudy Giuliani, who is out.
"I told him I was proud to fly wing for him if that's what he needed me to do," Perry said during a rare visit with reporters in his Capitol office. He said he expects to campaign with McCain in Texas, probably taking him to the Texas-Mexico border.

Perry and other Republicans speculated, though, that the nomination could be resolved before the Texas primaries on March 4. Voters in 20-plus states, including delegate-rich California and New York, will act Tuesday. McCain, chased by former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and long shot U.S. Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, could follow his wins in Florida, South Carolina and New Hampshire with a closeout burst of victories.

Meanwhile, Texas conservatives "have been knocked off their game," said Kenn George, chairman of the Dallas County Republican Party. George, who pitched in for Huckabee in Iowa, said he's fielded calls from activists excited or despondent about McCain's rise and the departures of Giuliani and former U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson from the Republican field over about three weeks.

"It's going to take some time" for voters to sort their feelings, George said. "It's too soon after the trauma —just the fact that all their candidates got wiped out."

Tom Pauken of Dallas, a former chairman of the Texas GOP who's undecided in the race, said Texans will flock to McCain if he takes many states Tuesday. But, Pauken said, "if it's still a race, anything can happen. I've never seen a situation where so many Republican activists and leaders are uncertain about what to do."

Perry endorsed Giuliani in October as the candidate best suited to lead the nation in a time of war. The Texan stumped for him in several states, eventually touring Florida with the former New York mayor, who lined up with McCain on Wednesday after finishing third in Florida. Perry spoke out Thursday about the same time California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger backed McCain.

McCain "can and will win the war on terror," Perry said. "Everything else is kind of secondary."

Perry said he'd woo conservatives wary of McCain by invoking Hillary Clinton, the Democratic senator and former first lady battling for her party's nomination against Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois.

"For folks who are wringing their hands and worrying about that gosh, we don't have the perfect candidate, I guess you could say the same about the other side," Perry said.

Critics question McCain's not voting for tax cuts ushered into place by President Bush, though McCain favors making the cuts permanent.

Others single out his sponsorship of a campaign finance law said to hurt grass-roots organizing, his co-authorship of legislation that could have helped illegal immigrants toward legal residency, and his decision not to commit to a constitutional ban on abortion, though McCain opposes abortions.

Kelly Shackelford, a lawyer who's among Huckabee stalwarts, said grass-roots conservatives who have formed Perry's political base are aligned with Huckabee, who has a Feb. 9 rally set in Austin to which 400 people have said they're coming.

"The real grass-roots Republicans control (primaries) in Texas," Shackelford said. "Those are Huckabee people."

A Jan. 10 poll of likely Republican voters in Texas by Ralph Bordie of Austin found Huckabee and McCain in a statistical dead heat, with 25 percent each. Bordie polled 725 likely Republican voters with a margin of error of plus or minus 3.6 percent.

Huckabee, in an e-mail, told supporters this week he must do very well in some states Tuesday "to help fuel our momentum heading into the Texas primary."


From state economy to border, Perry's views:

In a nearly 40-minute visit with reporters Thursday, Gov. Rick Perry discussed various topics, including:

The Texas economy: 'Most governors would dearly love to have the Texas economy in their home states.'

Proposed national economic stimulus package: 'If the stimulus package flows directly to the taxpayers of Texas, I support that.'

His office policy of erasing nonsubstantive e-mails after a week: 'If we're allowed to make the determination on keeping records that really matter, then I think we do that. ... We have rules. If we need to change the rules, come to the Legislature.'

Enhanced driver's licenses: 'Secure the border first, and then we'll work on the issues of how to identify the people who are in this state.'

Fencing on Mexico border: 'There are places in the rural areas I think it is an absolute waste of time and effort. There are some places that we probably support what the federal government is doing, and some that we don't.'

When he'll have another lengthy meeting with reporters: 'When I want to. Would that be an appropriate answer?'

[Since 1983, W. Gardner Selby has covered Texas politics and government
for The Beaumont Enterprise, Dallas Times Herald, The Houston Post, San Antonio Express-News and Austin American-Statesman, where he is currently the paper's chief political writer.]


Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman


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