One of the great delights of modern life is the automated call system which greets a caller with "Please listen carefully as this menu has changed." This is the 21st century equivalent of "Abandon hope all ye who enter here." Seth Freeman isn't Dante, but his humorous piece on the automated call system is divine. If this is (fair & balanced) technology gone amuck, so be it.
[x NY Fiswrap]
On A Ring And A Prayer
By Seth Freeman
Please listen carefully as this menu has changed.
For English press or say “One.” Para español oprima o diga “Dos.” For all other languages press or say “Three.”
One.
Thank you for your interest in our service. If this is a true spiritual emergency, please hang up and dial the number on the upper left-hand corner of the mailing label of your last solicitation. Otherwise, please stay on the line and your prayers will be answered in the order in which they were received.
All right, let’s get started. For prayers of repentance press or say “Two.” For prayers of supplication press or say “Three.” For prayers of forgiveness press or say “Four.” For prayers of serenity press or say “Five.” For all other prayers press or say “Six.”
I guess...Er...Supplic — three. Three. [3]
I think you said, “Two.” Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, “No.” Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K., let’s try that again. For prayers of repentance press or say “Two.” For prayers of supplication press or say “Three.” For prayers —
Three.
— of forgiveness —
Three! [3] [3]
— say “Four.” For prayers of serenity press or say “Five.” For all other prayers press or say “Six.”
Three.
I think you said, “Three.” Is this correct?
Yes. Correct. Yes.
All right, let me see if I can help you. Please say the category for which you are supplicating. For example, if you are praying for help with a personal life problem, say “Problem.” If you are praying for a material object like a new Lexus, say “Car.”
Uh.
I’m sorry. I didn’t understand your answer. Please repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
It’s hard to describe. Things no longer make ... sense ...
I think you said, “Vengeance.” Is this correct?
No.
Good, because Vengeance is mine. Please repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
Prob. Lem.
I think you said, “Problem.” Is this correct?
Yes. Correct.
Thank you. Let me connect you to that department.
[Hold music: Pachelbel, “Canon in D” — tenor sax version (Kenny G)]
Please stay on the line. Your prayer is important to us. Your wait time is approximately seven minutes.
[Hold music]
We’re sorry you are still on hold. We appreciate your patience and look forward to being of service.
[Hold music]
Thank you for holding. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please state the problem for which you would like help. For example, if you would like help healing someone who is sick, you could say, “Illness.” If you would like help in making a woman who barely knows that you exist become interested in you romantically, you could say, “Wingman.”
No more menus.
I’m sorry. I didn’t understand your answer. Please state the problem for which you would like help.
I want help without having to go through six levels of options.
I think you said you would like help with sexual dysfunction. Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, “No.” Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K, please restate your problem. Speak slowly and clearly —
I’m sick of these menus.
I think you said you would like help curing a sickness. Is this correct?
No, no, these menus are driving me crazy.
I think you said you would like help dealing with a mental illness. Is this correct?
No. No, no!
I’m having difficulty understanding the problem for which you are seeking help. Please state your problem slowly and clearly.
My problem is ... I ... forgot why I called.
I think you said you no longer recall your problem. Is this correct?
I guess. I don’t know. Yes.
Excellent. We are pleased to have been of service. How else can we provide you with a wonderful day?
[Seth Freeman has been a writer for eight different television shows, including "Lou Grant" and "The Waltons." Freeman received a Bachelor of Music from the Berklee College of Music in Boston. In 1979, Freeman received an Emmy for "Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series" (a "Lou Grant" episode).]
Copyright © 2008 The New York Times Company
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