Wednesday, December 31, 2003

He Can't Say That, Can He?

Where are we going? Public discourse is coarse. The public discourse of street guys like those on The Sopranos is basically one obscenity and profanity after another. Why should we pretend that people don't speak this way in real life? They do. W has uttered an f-word threat to Al Hunt for an unfavorable Wall Street Journal editorial (in front of Hunt's wife and children). W referred to a NYTimes reporter as a major-league a**-hole while he was unaware of a nearby live microphone. If this be (fair & balanced) hypocrisy, so be it.



[x Washington Post]
Oh, R-o-ob, The Bad Words Won't Go Away
By John T. McWhorter

I am currently making my way through the new DVD set of the first season of "The Dick Van Dyke Show." In an episode that aired in 1962, Rob and Laura Petrie are horrified that their son has picked up a "dirty word." The viewer does not learn the word itself; Laura only whispers it into the phone, her hand cupped over her mouth, and she and Rob are incensed that their son has been exposed to "evil."

This was certainly a sanitized version of the linguistic reality of the day. But the distortion itself reflects an America that is anthropologically fascinating from our perspective in 2003 . A TV mom whispering a mild curse word into the phone rather than just saying it out loud is hopelessly implausible today, and getting ever more so.

This has never been more clear than it became a couple of weeks ago, when flavor-of-the-month Nicole Richie, appearing on Fox TV's "Billboard Music Awards" broadcast, casually dropped some classic four- (and more) letter words into her reminiscences of her stint on the reality show "The Simple Life." Fox's switchboard lit up with indignant callers, but the network received not even a slap on the wrist from the Federal Communications Commission, the agency that watchdogs on-air language. That's because two months before, unbeknown to many of us, the FCC had decreed a new era in American public language usage.

After receiving complaints that Irish rocker Bono had crowed, "This is really, really f -- -- ing brilliant!"on the "Golden Globe Awards" broadcast last January, also on Fox , the FCC's enforcement bureau ruled Oct. 3 that this adjectival usage of the F-word does not qualify as "patently offensive as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium." Predictably, this has not gone down well with some, from the Parents Television Council (which organized most of the Bono complaints) to congressmen to FCC Chairman Michael Powell himself, who played no part in the ruling and deemed it "reprehensible" that children might hear the F-word in any form on the air. But like it or not, we'd better get used to it. We are today a society that elevates giving the finger to "the man" to a sign of enlightenment. So there are bound to be more such rulings, and at the end of the day, we are best advised to fasten our seat belts and accept them.

We obsess over the encroachment of vulgar words into public spaces on pain of a stark inconsistency, one that will appear even more ridiculous to future generations than some Victorians calling trousers "nether garments" does to us. At least the Victorians' vocabulary taboos reflected mores that permeated society. Theirs was a world in which an author of a slang dictionary would have had trouble finding a publisher, people sequestered themselves under reams of fabric, illegitimate birth was a scandal, and sex was never spoken of in "polite society." Even as late as the Camelot era, Rob and Laura slept in twin beds and never went to the bathroom.

However we judge all this, it at least comprised a coherent worldview, of the sort that anthropologists deem a hallmark of human social organization. For generations, people were openly uptight about "those things" across the board. But we no longer are. And thus, banning the f-adjective in 2003 becomes a random, isolated gesture, displaying a studied daintiness that can only be defended with stammering vaguenesses.

Our America was just on the horizon when that Dick van Dyke episode I described aired. A few years later, the counterculture movement began. It arose as a rejection of the Vietnam War, segregation and political censorship, but soon broadened into an embrace of more visceral facets of the anti-establishment ideology: an embrace of the spontaneous, the "authentic," the "real." Naturally this included forms of speech once banned from public discourse.

Some of this was merely common speech itself. In 1848, everyday language was so rare on the stage that when the actor Frank Chanfrau ventured Bowery Boy street speech with the line "I ain't a-goin' to run wild wid dat mercheen no more," working-class Irish audiences in New York stopped the show with riotous applause for several minutes. But in the 1960s, this public airing of casual talk became ordinary. Students at Berkeley followed up the political Free Speech movement of 1964 with a "Filthy Speech movement" the next year, featuring placards emblazoned with the F-word. Over the next 20 years, "damn" and "hell" became typical on stage and screen.

Few of us mind this today. We giggle at the stir over Clark Gable's Rhett Butler saying -- horrors! -- "I don't give a "damn" in the 1939 movie "Gone With the Wind." We see Puritanism in the Motion Picture Production Code banning the winkiness of Mae West's routines and sanitizing cartoon flapper Betty Boop into a high-collared hausfrau. And we see as a moral victory the recent posthumous pardoning of comedian Lenny Bruce, who was convicted in the 1960s for using obscenities in his nightclub act.

How overwrought, of course. But if we view as antique the Catholic matrons who banned the "authenticity" we now cherish in pre-Production Code movies, then where do we draw the line in terms of what we decree as inappropriate nowadays?

The Communications Act of 1934, which established the FCC, stipulated such a line. This law, penned by people born in Victorian America, decreed to be publicly inappropriate language that "describes or depicts sexual or excretory activities or organs." But this only leads to a question: If we are now so comfortable acknowledging, discussing and even displaying our most private "parts" in public, then precisely what is the logical justification for refraining from using words that connote what we do with them?

After all, this is an America where the actress Téa Leoni purrs in TV Guide about having "mated often" with an ex-lover, academics celebrate the profanity in rap music as visionary, sensitive adults are warmly fascinated by Eminem, R-rated movies are common coin among teenagers, unmarried celebrity couples casually announce the expectation of babies, young men show their underwear above their belts, and young women in "low-rider" jeans display a netherly fissure celebrated in some places as "the new cleavage."

In this context, to resist using a particular vulgarity on television stands not as a conviction inherent to our national fabric, but as an emotional sentiment brandished by a minority. Rob and Laura's quaintness in our eyes reveals that the counterculture has become our warp and woof. We seek as narrow a gulf as possible between public show and private reality. To us, the sentiment Bono expressed with his "f -- -- ing brilliant" channels an individuality, humility and even warmth that no formal translation such as "truly amazing" could. It channels exactly the "get real" essence that makes it seem odd to us that when Laura is carrying Richie she must be referred to as "expecting" because of a sense that "pregnant" is too vulgar.

I should say, however, that though I never knew Rob and Laura's America, I am no more immune to visceral responses to profanity than anyone else. Long ago a woman with whom I had a dinner date casually let fly with a term for what Victorians might have referred to as the female pudendum. Even I had a gut-level sense that this was "a bit much."

But gut-level was all it was, and "a bit much" does not suffice as a basis for coherent public policy. After all, the producers of Dick Van Dyke got angry mail from viewers who thought the snug capri pants Mary Tyler Moore wore on the show were "a bit much." We chuckle now. But on what basis can we casually accept seeing ever more of the human bodies that horrified the ladies of the Junior League in 1962 and yet insist on "drawing a line" at words that connote activities connected with those bodies? If we affectionately give our children books such as "Our Bodies, Ourselves," celebrating the joys of sex, how can we defend decrying Bono's jolly exclamation for hinting that, well, people have sex?

Surely we fear the slippery slope. I certainly itch at the notion of sitcom characters using the word my date used. But public norms never leap far ahead of the majority's primal sense of propriety. I suspect that most of us, if we saw Kelsey Grammer's Frasier let out with "That's f -- -- amazing," would celebrate the character's "loosening up" a bit. The word has gotten as far as it has because it is now common enough in casual speech to qualify for most as more colorful than truly profane. It is questionable that it even connotes the sexual anymore. This is typical of how words evolve through time. Technically, for instance, "ice cream" means cream rendered through ice, or "iced cream," but few of us process it consciously that way -- in casual speech it is now a single word, "ayeskream." The f-adjective is now one of many intensifiers in English, like "extremely," with a flavor surely pungent but barely sexual. In that light, the FCC's decision was not mere hair-splitting, but linguistically honest, and reflects our "contemporary community standards."

Thus we are witnessing less a linguistic free-for-all than a narrowing of the gap between the formal and the informal in public discourse. Because advertisers are loath to offend any significant number of their potential customers, the few words we now process as truly beyond the pale will likely only hit the tube after having lost much of their sting through constant use.

The days when even mild epithets were never uttered in public language are gone for good. The exoticness of Rob and Laura's world to us demonstrates that we have transformed ourselves beyond it forever. As far as language on television goes, unless we shed our affection for "getting real" -- and there are no indications that we will -- we can only hold on to our hats.

But then we don't really wear hats anymore -- and that's the point. Just like clothing, our language reflects who we are, and we are a people who can only deem most profanity "evil" if we are ready to be seen 50 years from now as being as laughable as the producers of "Gilligan's Island" who required Mary Ann to keep her navel covered.

John McWhorter is a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute and author of Doing Our Own Thing: The Degradation of Language and Music and Why We Should, Like, Care (Gotham Books).

© 2003 The Washington Post Company

Happy New Year!

William Safire—albeit Nixon loyalist—is a pretty funny guy. I doubt that the Trickster had much use for humor. W just wouldn't get it. Safire loves language and words. He is a stickler for precise usage. I am tempted to send the Complete List of Bushisms to his e-mail address below. If this is (fair & balanced) harassment, so be it.



Office Pool
By WILLIAM SAFIRE

WASHINGTON

In last year's office pool, for the second year running, I accurately predicted the best-picture Oscar winner. Forget all of the other predictions, which were varying degrees of mistaken; I shoulda been a film critic.

The multiple choices include one, all or none. My picks are down below. Do not save this page.

1. Next tyranny to feel the force of U.S. liberation: (a) North Korea; (b) Iran; (c) Syria; (d) Venezuela.

2. Iraq will (a) split up, like all Gaul, into three parts; (b) defeat the insurgents and emerge a rudimentary democracy; (c) succumb to a Sunni coup.

3. First to fall from power will be (a) Little China's Chen Shui-bian, whose two-China campaign oratory on Taiwan is asking for trouble with Big China; (b) Pakistan's Musharraf, double-crossed by his Islamist military; (c) the U.S.'s Bush, after abandoning fiscal restraint; (d) Russia's Putin as his electorate miraculously awakens; (e) Cuba's Castro.

4. Long-overdue exoneration will come to embattled media megastar (a) Martha Stewart; (b) Michael Jackson; (c) Kenneth Lay; (d) Pete Rose.

5. The economy will (a) see a booming 13,000 Dow and 3,000 Nasdaq; (b) grow more slowly as a weakening dollar drives up interest rates; (c) be rocked by the abuse of manipulative derivatives in hedge funds.

6. The fiction best seller will be (a) "Retribution" by Jilliane Hoffman; (b) "Confessions of a Bigamist" by Kate Lehrer; (c) "Flying Crows" by Jim Lehrer (presumably one of Kate's husbands).

7. The nonfiction sleeper will be (a) "Inside — A Public and Private Life" by Joseph Califano Jr.; (b) Carl Zimmer's brainy "Soul Made Flesh"; (c) Michael Korda's biography of U. S. Grant; (d) Gertrude Himmelfarb's "The Roads to Modernity."

8. The scientific advance of the year will be (a) age retardation enhanced by memory protection; (b) a single pill combining erectile dysfunction treatment with a fast-acting aphrodisiac; (c) neuroscientists' creation of a unified field theory of the brain; (d) the awakening of geneticists to the liberating study of bioethics.

9. Best-Picture Oscar: (a) Anthony Minghella's "Cold Mountain"; (b) Edward Zwick's "The Last Samurai"; (c) Clint Eastwood's "Mystic River"; (d) Sofia Coppola's "Lost in Translation"; (e) Gary Ross's "Seabiscuit." (This is the category I'm good at.)

10. Bush's domestic initiative will be (a) Social Security personal accounts; (b) community college scholarships; (c) a moon colony; (d) snowmobile restrictions in Florida parks.

11. The U.S. Supreme Court (a) will decide that the rights of alien detainees in Guantánamo have not been violated; (b) will deadlock, 4-4 (Scalia recused), in the Pledge of Allegiance case, thereby temporarily affirming the Ninth Circuit decision declaring "under God" in the pledge unconstitutional; (c) in Tennessee v. Lane will uphold a state's immunity to lawsuits, limiting federal power in the Americans with Disabilities Act.

12. Howard Dean will (a) sweep Iowa and New Hampshire and breeze to a boring nomination; (b) lose to Gephardt in Iowa and do worse than expected in N.H., leading to a long race; (c) transform himself into the centrist, affable "new Dean"; (d) angrily bolt and form a third party if the nomination is denied him.

13. The "October surprise" affecting our election will be (a) the capture of bin Laden in Yemen; (b) the daring escape of Saddam; (c) a major terror attack in the U.S.; (d) finding a buried bag of anthrax in Tikrit.

14. Debating Cheney on TV will be the Democratic running mate (a) Wes Clark; (b) Bob Graham; (c) Bill Richardson; (d) Dianne Feinstein; (e) John Edwards; (f) Carl Levin.

15. The next secretary of state will be (a) Richard Holbrooke; (b) Paul Bremer; (c) Donald Rumsfeld; (d) John Kerry.

16. Israel, staunchly supported during the U.S. election year, will (a) build its security barrier including the Ariel salient and the Jordan Valley; (b) undermine Arafat by negotiating territory with Syria after Assad quiets Hezbollah in occupied Lebanon; (c) close down illegal outposts before "redeploying" settlers out of Gaza.

My picks: 1. (none), 2. (b), 3. (e) (I've made this yearly prediction for three decades and now is not the time to stop), 4. (a), 5. (all), 6. (b), 7. (a), 8. (d), 9. (c) (Make my day, Clint!), 10. (b), 11. (all), 12. (b), 13. (c), 14. (b), 15. (b) 16. (all). This last one is pure, unsourced thumb-sucking; Sharon didn't return my call.

E-mail: safire@nytimes.com

Copyright © 2003 The New York Times Company


Wednesday, December 24, 2003

A Great Xmas Present From George Pataki

Just when things seem bleak, something nice happens. Governor George Pataki (R-NY) issued a postumous pardon to Lenny Bruce. Bruce said outrageous things and was persecuted by the authorities in California, Illinois, and New York. If only John Ashcroft could take a hint during this holiday season. I doubt that John Ashcroft would find Lenny Bruce funny. If this be (fair & balanced) incredulity, so be it.


Lenny Bruce



George Pataki



[x LATimes]
'Obscene' Comic Bruce Gets a Pardon
New York governor cites the 1st Amendment in acting 39 years after the late satirist's conviction.
By Josh Getlin

NEW YORK — Lenny Bruce, the provocative and profane satirist who revolutionized the art of stand-up comedy, on Tuesday received a posthumous pardon from Gov. George E. Pataki for a controversial 1964 obscenity conviction.

The pardon, the first for a deceased person in state history, represented "a declaration of New York's commitment to upholding the 1st Amendment," Pataki said in a statement, adding: "I hope this pardon serves as a reminder of the precious freedoms we are fighting to preserve as we continue to wage the war on terror."

Bruce was charged after reportedly using 100 obscene words during a freewheeling set at Cafe Au Go Go, a Greenwich Village nightclub that was staked out by an army of plainclothes police officers. The pardon came about through the efforts of authors and lawyers who believed there were significant 1st Amendment freedoms at stake in the effort to clear Bruce's name. They recruited several entertainers to sign a letter to Pataki, including Robin Williams, Margaret Cho, the Smothers Brothers and others.

Bruce was known for his lacerating, often brilliant comedic attacks on a host of sacred cows, ranging from the pope and organized religion to Eleanor Roosevelt and Jacqueline Kennedy. He didn't seem to care whom he offended, and his comedy routines were liberally sprinkled with four-letter words. Long before late-night comics stretched the bounds of taste and decency, he spoke bluntly about sex, racism and other taboo topics.

The comedian appealed his misdemeanor obscenity conviction and promptly turned it into fodder for yet another stand-up routine. But he insisted on handling his defense on appeal, and "badly bungled" the case, said Martin Garbus, a prominent 1st Amendment attorney who originally represented Bruce.

Two years later, Bruce died in Los Angeles at 40 from a heroin overdose. He was spiritually and financially broken, friends said.

Pataki's surprise pardon is long-overdue vindication for Bruce, Garbus said, because it shows that "the world has changed, and I'm sorry Bruce isn't here to see it."You should never send people to jail for laws based on morality, because it keeps changing," Garbus added.

Championing Bruce has been a cause celebre for many comedians, who say they owe their careers to his trailblazing. Yet the drive to secure a legal pardon began only this year, after publication of "The Trials of Lenny Bruce: The Fall and Rise of an American Icon" by Ronald K.L. Collins and David M. Skover.

The authors discovered that Bruce's conviction had never been overturned, even though that of a nightclub owner convicted along with him had been overruled by a higher New York court. Bruce — who was ordered to spend four months in New York's Rikers Island jail — fled to California and never served his sentence.

Joined by Robert Corn-Revere, a Washington-based 1st Amendment attorney, Collins and Skover decided to lobby Pataki for a pardon.

"There's only one reason he [Pataki] would do this, and that's for the principle involved," Corn-Revere said. "We live in a free society, and you don't turn people into criminals and lock them up just for speaking their mind. That, incredibly, is what happened to Lenny Bruce, and it's astonishing given his tremendous legacy."

Bruce rattled cages with content, as well as language, and many observers credit him with rescuing stand-up comedy from staid jokes about mothers-in-law and tired Borscht Belt gags, Corn-Revere said.

"He helped invent topical, political humor, and he made stand-up into a uniquely American art, just like jazz."

During one memorable routine, the comedian told of a weary door-to-door salesman who checked into a hotel and ordered up a $100 prostitute: "A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door and a bearded writer comes into the room."

Toward the end of his life, Bruce was haunted by numerous court battles over his comedy routines, and some believe his legal legacy was no less important. The comedian only grew more outrageous as law enforcement pursued him, and "he tested the limits of the law at a time when society was changing so dramatically," Garbus said.

Bruce's irreverent, explosive spirit would take Pataki's pardon with a grain of salt, the attorney said, suggesting that "Lenny would be astonished that the governor had pardoned him in a manner that somehow justified America's war against terrorism."

"If he was alive," Garbus said, "he'd build a whole comedy routine around that."

Copyright © 2003 Los Angeles Times

Holiday Despair



This holiday season has been marred by the news that the United States (and Brits) have embraced Libya and its rehabilitated leader, Muammar Gaddafi. We have a notorious lack of memory in the United States.

The Ayatollah Khomeini, Muammar Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden have called for "death to America" in clear and unequivocal terms but we did not take them seriously. They have financed, masterminded, and fomented terrorist attacks around the globe, all aimed at destroying western democracies. Iran held our people hostage in the American Embassy for over a year in 1979. Terrorists blew up a planeload of Americans over Lockerbie in 1988. The U.S. military base in Bharan, Saudi Arabia was bombed in 1996. U.S. Marines barracks were blown up in Beirut and Saudi Arabia. Two American embassies were blown up in Africa in 1998. The USS Cole was attacked as it sat off Yemen's coast just last year. And don't forget, this is not the first attack on the World Trade Center: it was attacked eight years ago. For two decades we have approached these events as criminal acts and spoken about bringing the perpetrators to justice. That is the language of denial, a denial of reality. These are not criminals. These are terrorists, supported by foreign governments whose stated intent and purpose is to destroy western civilization.

To call Muammar Gaddafi a statesman would be akin to calling Mae West a nun. The sole reason for Gaddafi's move to renounce WMD is to recoup—via trade with the West—the $multi-billion settlement made with the Lockerbie families. The hypocrisy of deposing Saddam and embracing Gaddafi is rivaled only by the 10-Year Non-Aggression Pact between Germany and the Soviet Union in 1941. There is no honor among rogues.

If this be (fair & balanced) despair, so be it.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Commiserate, Commensurate, Commical

We have an idiot savant in the White House. Much has been written about dyslexia in the makeup of the POTUS. This is worse than nuke-u-lar! A goofball represents this country to the world? Instead of W, the Republicans ought to run Norm Crosby for President. Crosby's malapropisms would make more sense than W's standup routine. If this is (fair & balanced) disdain, so be it.

"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well paid, well trained, well equipped. . . . See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiserate -- not 'commiserate' -- the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief."

-- President Bush on Dec. 15, giving a commensurate response to a question at his news conference.

Copyright © 2003 The Washington Post Company

Norm Crosby, who underwent chemotherapy and radiation last year after a tumor was found beneath his tongue, sounded a little different from normal, but his comedy came through loud and clear. When the applause welcoming him died down, he said: "To walk out and have an ovulation like that, it just means so much."

--Norm Crosby at the Atlantic City Hilton Casino Resort, March 2002



Monday, December 22, 2003

What 5 Books Should Every Undergraduate Read?

The five most important books? How many people in Amarillo have read all of the works on this list? How many people in Amarillo have heard of the works on the list? What Color Is Your Parachute? What is that about? Of course, the list of the 5 must-read books was compiled from choices by university presidents. It has been years since a president of Amarillo College even darkened the door of the Lynn Library. Perhaps the Coen brothers could do for the other 4 books what they did for The Odyssey ("O Brother, Where Art Thou?"). If this be (fair & balanced) despair, so be it.

[x Chronicle of Higher Education]
The 5 Books Every Undergraduate Should Read
By SARAH H. HENDERSON

Many a prospective college student, overwhelmed by the choices, has wondered: Do there really need to be so many universities? Can philosophies of education really vary so much?

Yes and yes, according to a recent informal survey conducted among members of the International Association of University Presidents. The survey's single question, posed by J. Michael Adams of Fairleigh Dickinson University, was this: What five books should every undergraduate read and study in order to engage in the commerce, intellectual discourse, and public duties of the 21st century?

More than one-fifth of the association's 500 members responded. Of the five books most frequently mentioned, none received anywhere near a majority of the vote. The Bible, cited most often, appeared on only a fifth of the respondents' lists. Other suggestions included works by Dickens and Machiavelli, and What Color Is Your Parachute?

Here are the five most-mentioned works:


  1. The Bible

  2. The Odyssey

  3. The Republic

  4. Democracy in America

  5. The Iliad



Copyright © 2003 by The Chronicle of Higher Education


Language Matters

Managerial language. Mid-management words. Attrition=killing and Downsizing=firing and on it goes. Sludge, clag, and gruel marks the quality of public language today. Say what you mean and mean what you say no longer works in the 21st century. We say what we don't mean and don't mean what we say. Samuel Johnson called it cant. If this is (fair & balanced) disgust, so be it.

[x The Age]
Fighting the death sentence
by Don Watson

People were rocking with laughter; some were in tears. Deadpan, Don Watson waited. One audience member said later it was the funniest dinner of academic deans he had ever attended. But Watson was not joking. He was reading from a university mission statement and other material on its website.

"To provide outcome-related research and consultancy services that address real-world issues" - shrieks of laughter. The university's "approach to quality management is underpinned by a strong commitment to continuous improvement and a whole-of-organisation framework" - uproar in the room.

The university in question was RMIT but it could have been any of them. Go to your website and read the language, Watson urged guests at a recent Deans of Education dinner. That made people laugh even more. They worked at universities; they knew what he was talking about. Some of them probably even wrote this stuff. It was a surreal moment.

But to Watson the joke has a sting. It is funny and it is awful. A terrible thing is happening to the language, he believes, and at the end of the day, in a globalised world, it is not a positive communications outcome. In other words, there is a pox upon our public speech.

In 1992 Watson, a historian and writer, went to Canberra to write speeches for Paul Keating. He saw the prime minister up close and it inspired his award-winning biography, Recollections of a Bleeding Heart. But he saw something else, too, and it has provoked a new book - Death Sentence, The Decay of Public Language.

The book charts how "managerial language" has infiltrated the English of politics, business, bureaucracy, education and the arts. The book is about the rise of core strategies and key performance indicators, and the death of clarity and irony and funny old things called verbs. It is about a new language that Watson calls sludge and clag and gruel. Those three blunt words speak to the book's larger intention. Death Sentence is also a manifesto, the first shots, Watson hopes, in a campaign everyone can join to bring the language back to life.

And so down the margins runs a series of quotes - Watson's take on how bad, and how good, the language can be. Tim Fischer is lined up beside the Book of Job, Vladimir Nabokov beside the Victorian Government: "The Facilities Enhancement Project aims to maintain and further develop the facilities and services of the Puffing Billy Railway as a significant world-class . . ."

And on, and on. Perhaps this is unfair. No one expects report writers to sound like James Joyce, though it might be nice if they sounded less like a character in Kafka. But Death Sentence is a polemic, not a strategy report inclusive of all stakeholders.

Nor is it, Watson stresses, born of a wish to keep the language static. The genius of English is the way it updates itself every day, with 20,000 new words a year, Watson read somewhere.

And the new is often rich. He loves the word "cool", with its irony and nuance. He is delighted when a young couple stops in the park to stroke his dog and one says, "Jeez, his fur is soft as". Better that, he says, than some tired old simile.

"Language is what gives me greatest pleasure," he says. "I can't laugh without it." Yet in the depleted new language "you can't tell a joke".

"It's incapable of carrying an emotion. It is the language equivalent of the assembly line. It turns human processes into mechanical ones."

Is this new? Dictators and lawyers and priests have long used arcane speech to maintain authority. But something else is happening, Watson says - and that is the way everyone is busting to speak like a middle manager.

Social democrats try to sound like corporate executives, with objectives and strategies and commitments ("Some of the Bracks Government stuff is appalling," says Watson). Meanwhile, business people try to sound like social democrats, committed to social capital and the triple bottom line. And because corporations have no familiarity with the old language of justice and struggle it sounds hollow and dead in their mouths, whether it is or not.

"Friends, Romans, customers" - Watson writes, putting the modern benchmark on the world-best implementer of language. Which organisation, he asks, now claims in its mission statement to have "a deep commitment to the customer"? Safeway? McDonald's? No, the CIA.

Even football is infected, he laments. Players must be accountable, stick to the game plan, provide flexibility on the forward line, going forwards. "What we are losing is language expressing character or imagination, which interests one human being in another, and from which the game's spirit springs."

But here is the rub. As widespread as this newspeak is, it is almost impossible to find someone who will admit to writing it. The email print-out Watson pushes across the table contains another monster quote, this time from a report by a government-funded arts body. "Our poor project officer has to put all this crap in a document," wrote the mole inside the organisation who smuggled it out to Watson. "A Bex and a good lie down is needed all around."

"There is concern about it everywhere," Watson says. For the past month or so he has spoken in public on the subject. "People always laugh like buggery when you speak it. They begin to get hysterical." And they also say: "We write it (reports) as best we can and we're told, 'Put it into dot points'." If this writing expresses the dominant ideology of the day, it is remarkable how few people want to own it.

Which brings us back to Watson's time in Canberra. Every week, he says, jargon-laden public service reports would hit his desk. From this Watson had to conjure words for his boss that would inform and even inspire the people. Sometimes he slipped, too. "I'm sure if I went through the speeches I wrote I would find a horrifying number of phrases of the kind I loathe, especially on economics. But I was conscious, when I got a document from the department, of always trying to unpick the prose and make it live."

One day he outlined a plan to a senior public servant, Sandy Hollway. Why not get a few writers - not Patrick White, just respectable journeymen - and run courses teaching public servants how to write? "You'd fill auditoriums," Hollway replied, confirming Watson's hunch that there was a huge appetite for change. But why has this language emerged? It is a hard question and the slender book - which Watson sees as an opening of the argument rather than the last word, does not entirely answer it.

One influence is "the pursuit of business models in places that were never businesses".

"Universities that once valued and defended culture have swallowed the creed whole. Libraries, galleries and museums, banks and welfare agencies now parrot it. The public sector spouts it as loudly as the private does."

Nevertheless, Watson also partially sympathises. He thinks that because modern business and politics force people to make difficult decisions quickly they prefer not to be too precise - they may have to retract them later. When journalists want instant answers to complex matters, important-sounding waffle might feel like the safest way to go.

Critically, says Watson, the new language is infected by marketing, and so "there's a kind of overclaiming in it". At times, it "sounds like nothing so much as communist doctrine". It is a fine line, he suggests, between continuous improvement going forward and "the 77th tractor brigade salutes the glorious victories of the five-year plan".

That does not necessarily mean Watson sees a new totalitarianism on the way. One subtlety of Death Sentence is the way Watson wrestles with the weight of his subject. An ugly word is not a crime against humanity, he writes. Perhaps it is even all for the best. Perhaps public language is decaying because in the West the grand narratives of struggle and war are dying, and is that not to the good? Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, after all, followed a hideous civil war.

But Watson does not entertain the thought for long. Why, he wonders, has not one memorable sentence emerged from our leaders after September 11 and Bali? How could John Howard talk about "the end of innocence" after September 11 and not have journalists hammer him? "Australia innocent?" he writes. "It can only be fantasy, ignorance or mischief. Or a cliche which, having lost its meaning through overuse, can be anything you want to make of it . . . It does not help us understand a tragedy but rather diminishes it."

That might be what worries Watson most - the loss of sensation and sympathy that the new speech creates. A corporation "downsizes" its staff, an army achieves "attrition" of the enemy. People are losing their jobs or their lives.

What is to be done? Watson suggests, first, that people and organisations put a moratorium on certain words and phrases. He says this will force people to rediscover words that have fallen into disuse. Organisations can set targets for expunging words or rediscovering them. The best weapon, says Watson, is laughter. People should turn their backs, tap their pens, put their handkerchief on their heads when they hear it. He thinks it is not too late but "it is important to satirise it as quickly as possible".

"Such wisdom as we have we express in language, and in language we also seek it," he writes. He quotes George Orwell, who was on to this problem 60 years ago. "Language becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts."

The faith of Death Sentence is a sentence of two words: Language matters. Bear in mind, Watson writes, "that if we deface the War Memorial or rampage through St Paul's with a sledgehammer we will be locked up as criminals or lunatics . . . Yet every day we vandalise the language, which is the foundation, the frame, the joinery of the culture, if not its greatest glory, and there is no penalty and no way to impose one. We can only be indignant. And we should resist."

© 2003 The Age Company Ltd

Another Way In The Middle East

The University of Indianapolis is affliated with the United Methodist Church and was founded in 1902; more than 4,000 students attend. Now, the University of Indianapolis has opened the first Christian-Arab-Israeli university in Ibillin, Galilee. If only Elias Chacour could rise to a position of leadership in either Israel or the Palestinian Territories! If this be (fair & balanced) admiration, so be it!

[x Washington Post]
Lessons In Peace
By William Raspberry

Given his long years as a priest, it's not surprising that the Rev. Elias Chacour's conversation tends toward small homilies on brotherhood and reconciliation. What may surprise is the degree to which he both embodies and lives his sermons.

The 64-year-old Israeli-born cleric is an Israeli citizen, a Palestinian and a Melkite Catholic. He is also founder and president of Israel's first Christian-Arab-Israeli university, the fledgling Mar Elias University, which just opened as a branch of the University of Indianapolis.

Naturally, he expects to equip his graduates to earn a good living -- the first three majors are environmental science, computer science and media and communications -- but his real hope is that the university can help demonstrate that people can live together in peace in the Middle East.

"I mean real community, not mere tolerance," he said in a recent interview in Washington. "I hate being tolerated. We need to see our differences not as something we tolerate but as something that enriches us. What we are doing here could be a model not just for the region but for all human society."

So far Mar Elias has slightly fewer than 100 students, but Chacour says he expects that number to reach 3,000 within five years, drawing from the West Bank, Egypt, Jordan and elsewhere in the region. A quarter of the faculty is Jewish. Classes are conducted in English. The students are Christian, Muslim, Jewish and Druze -- and most are women.

"The role of women at our university is very important," says Chacour. "Many girls in Muslim society tend to disregard education on the rationale that they are going to marry, so why go to school? For 20 years it's been clear to me that if you educate the girl, you educate her family, because she comes to see the value of education."

The new university -- whose accreditation terms require that students complete their degree work in Indianapolis -- is an outgrowth of a high school Chacour started in 1982. That school, like Mar Elias, is in Ibillin, in the Galilee region -- near Nazareth, but not in the occupied territories -- and now enrolls about 4,500 students from kindergarten through high school. Like Mar Elias, its students are Christians, Muslims and Jews; it is the biggest school in the country with that mix, says Chacour.

Interestingly, given the flap French President Jacques Chirac set off last week with his call for a law banning the wearing of Muslim head scarves, Jewish skullcaps and large Christian crosses in France's public schools, such religious insignia seem not to be a problem at Mar Elias.

A few of the female Muslim students wear the scarves, but most choose not to -- a fact that for Chacour symbolizes the recognition that they are in an environment where no one religion is more honored than another. Moreover, he believes that the "peace and reconciliation" ethos of Mar Elias is best affirmed when students don't wear the insignia.

And make no mistake, peace and reconciliation are always at the front of Chacour's thinking.

"If I wanted to be bitter, I could be," he said. "I was deported from my village of Biram [in 1947], though I remained inside the territory. I'm still not allowed to live in my village. I can attend church there, and, oh, yes, I can be buried there.

"My family was fooled by the Israeli military into going away 'for two weeks' because of some things they had to do. And we've never been able to go back. So I could be bitter if I wanted to.

"But my parents, simple peasants, never believed in hatred and violence. They always taught us that the only way to dispose of an enemy is to turn him into a friend."

Not a bad sermon at that.

© 2003 The Washington Post Company

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Garry Trudeau Strikes Again: Public Incivility!

The Amarillo fishwrap carries the latest effort by Berke Breathed (lame) in the Sunday funnies (Opus just ain't funny.) and eschews Doonesbury. Give me Mark Slackmeyer lambasting Rush Limbaugh (hypocritical, pill-popping, lard mountain) any time. Spare me an unfunny penguin. If this be (fair & balanced) redress, so be it.


Faith & Reason

Faith & Reason is the basic issue of our time. The followers of Faith v. the followers of Reason. Which shall prevail? If this be (fair & balanced) ambivalence, so be it.

Reason and Faith, Eternally Bound
By EDWARD ROTHSTEIN

One might have expected the forces of Reason to be a bit weary after a generation of battling postmodernism and having its power and authority under constant scrutiny. Reason's battles, though, continue unabated. Only now it finds its opposition in the more unyielding claims of religious faith. This latest conflict is over seemingly incompatible ways of knowing the world. It is a conflict between competing certainties: between followers of Faith, who know because they believe, and followers of Reason, who believe because they know.

This battle echoes others taking place between fundamentalist terror, which claims the authority of Faith, and Western modernity, which claims the authority of Reason. But some of Reason's combatants — as if reading from the postmodernist strategy book — are also challenging the heritage of the West, arguing that it, too, has been riddled with absolutist faith, that the reasoned achievements of the Enlightenment are still under threat and that a new understanding of the past must take shape, in which Reason's martyrdom and trials take center stage.

One motivation for Reason's latest salvos is political. A Gallup poll last year said that about 40 percent of Americans considered themselves evangelicals or born-again Christians. They include the president, the attorney general, the speaker of the House and the House majority leader.

Critics of the Bush administration's policies sometimes cite such beliefs as evidence of the administration's potential fundamentalism and intolerance. In the recent book "A Devil's Chaplain" (Houghton Mifflin, $24), for example, Richard Dawkins, the Oxford University evolutionary biologist, worries about American responses to the attacks of 9/11 because "the United States is the most religiose country in Christendom, and its born-again leader is eyeball to eyeball with the most religiose people on Earth."

Mr. Dawkins has long been a harsh critic of religion, which he considers a form of infectious virus that readily replicates, spreading its distortions. Last summer he lobbied in The Guardian for adopting "bright" as a noun to mean atheist (as in "I'm a bright. You're a bright").

The philosopher Daniel C. Dennett echoed his urgings in an Op-Ed article in The New York Times. Mr. Dawkins and Mr. Dennett argue that brights are a beleaguered group confronting a growing religious right; they urge brights to emerge from their closet and boldly proclaim their identity.

"So, what's the opposite of a bright?" Mr. Dawkins imagines someone asking, "What would you call a religious person?"

"What would you suggest?" he coyly responds.

There are of course approaches that are less blunt and more liberal minded, but the sense of embattlement and polemic has become familiar. In the recent book "The Closing of the Western Mind" (Knopf, $30), for example, Charles Freeman argues that Western history has to be retold. Over the course of centuries, he points out, the ancient Greeks recognized the importance of reason, giving birth to the techniques of modern science and mathematics, and establishing the foundations of the modern state. But then, he writes, came "the closing of the Western mind."

In the fourth and fifth century, he writes, the Greek intellectual tradition "was destroyed by the political and religious forces which made up the highly authoritarian government of the late Roman empire," particularly with the imposition of Christian orthodoxy. For a millennium doctrine ruled. Reason became heresy.

It is precisely this sort of heresy that Jennifer Michael Hecht celebrates in "Doubt: A History" (HarperSanFrancisco, $27.95), which outlines the views of those who rejected dominant doctrines of faith or proclaimed disbelief in the existence of God. Her loosely defined roster of doubters ranges from the ancient Greeks to Zen Buddhists, along with such familiar figures as Galileo, Hobbes, Gibbon, Tom Paine and Thomas Jefferson.

Ms. Hecht is more generous than Mr. Dawkins, noting that just as there are believers who "refuse to consider the reasonableness of doubt," so, too, there are nonbelievers who "refuse to consider the feeling of faith." But her sympathies are committed to the doubters, including such unusual figures as the Islamic philosopher and physician Abu Bakr al-Razi (854-925) and Annie Besant, who wrote a "Gospel of Atheism" in 1876, helped reform London schools with free meals and medical care, and later in life became a theosophist and a translator of the Bhagavad-Gita.

Ms. Hecht's goal is to provide an affirmative history for doubters. "To be a doubter," she writes, "is a great old allegiance, deserving quiet respect and open pride."

What, though, is the nature of this doubt? Its demarcation from faith is not as precise as these descriptions suggest. Doubt can become a rigid orthodoxy in its own right. In contemporary life, as Ms. Hecht seems to know, doubt has become almost axiomatic (as if it were a matter of faith).

Meanwhile faith itself is riddled with doubt. As Ms. Hecht points out, many religious texts (like Job or Augustine's "Confessions") are also accounts of doubt.

Yet in these arguments faith is often portrayed as monolithic, a host for intolerance and inquisition. And while that has been part of many religions' history — and is, as Mr. Freeman shows, part of the history of Christianity — the nature of faith is far more complex.

In his recent book, "The Transformation of American Religion" (Free Press, $26) for example, the sociologist Alan Wolfe suggests that evangelical Christians in the United States cannot be thought of as they once were. Religion, he argues, has been transformed by American culture to become therapeutic, individualistic and less interested in doctrine than in faith.

Nor is faith always unreasonable. Religious beliefs were fundamental to the abolition of slavery in the 19th century and to the civil rights movement in the 20th. Faith may even be latent in some of science's triumphs, inspiring such figures as Newton and Kepler. The conviction that there is an order to things, that the mind can comprehend that order and that this order is not infinitely malleable, those scientific beliefs may include elements of faith.

Reason also has its own problems. Isaiah Berlin argued that the Enlightenment led to the belief that human beings could be reshaped according to reason's dictates. And out of that science of human society, he argued, came such totalitarian dystopias as the Soviet Union.

Reason then, has its limits. The philosopher Robert Fogelin's new book, "Walking the Tightrope of Reason" (Oxford, $22) is subtitled "The Precarious Life of a Rational Animal" because, he argues, reason's own processes negotiate a precipice. Mr. Fogelin quotes Kant, who described a dove who "cleaving the air in her free flight, and feeling its resistance, might imagine that its flight would be still easier in empty space."

Failing to understand what keeps her aloft and taking a leap of faith, the dove might set off in "empty space" — a vacuum — and plummet. But reason might lead to the same end: if something offers resistance then logically can't one proceed more easily if it is eliminated? So why not try?

The problem is that the bird can never fully comprehend the medium through which it experiences the world. In many ways, Kant argued, neither could the mind. Reason is still the only tool available for certain knowledge, but it also presents questions it is unable to answer fully.

Some of those questions may remain even after contemporary battles cease: how much faith is involved in the workings of reason and how much reason lies in the assertions of faith?

Edward Rothstein is cultural critic at large for the New York Times and writes the paper's "Connections" column on technology. He is the author of Emblems of Mind: The Inner Life of Music and Mathematics.

Copyright 2003 The New York Times Company

What Color Is Your Paradigm?

More people used file-sharing software in 2000 than voted for W in the presidential election. It's the economy. stupid! was the campaign mantra of 1992. It's the Internet, stupid! will be the campaign mantra of 2004? If this be (fair & balanced) geekiness, so be it.

[x NYtimes]
FRANK RICH
Napster Runs for President in '04

Even after Saddam Hussein was captured last weekend, all that some people could talk about was Howard Dean. Neither John Kerry nor Joe Lieberman could resist punctuating their cheers for an American victory with sour sideswipes at the front-runner they still cannot fathom (or catch up to). Pundits had a nearly unanimous take on the capture's political fallout: Dr. Dean, the one-issue candidate tethered to Iraq, was toast — or, as The Washington Post's Tom Shales memorably put it, "left looking like a monkey whose organ grinder had run away."

I am not a partisan of Dr. Dean or any other Democratic candidate. I don't know what will happen on Election Day 2004. But I do know this: the rise of Howard Dean is not your typical political Cinderella story. The constant comparisons made between him and George McGovern and Barry Goldwater — each of whom rode a wave of anger within his party to his doomed nomination — are facile. Yes, Dr. Dean's followers are angry about his signature issue, the war. Dr. Dean is marginalized in other ways as well: a heretofore obscure governor from a tiny state best known for its left-wing ice cream and gay civil unions, a flip-flopper on some pivotal issues and something of a hothead. This litany of flaws has been repeated at every juncture of the campaign this far, just as it is now. And yet the guy keeps coming back, surprising those in Washington and his own party who misunderstand the phenomenon and dismiss him.

The elusive piece of this phenomenon is cultural: the Internet. Rather than compare Dr. Dean to McGovern or Goldwater, it may make more sense to recall Franklin Roosevelt and John Kennedy. It was not until F.D.R.'s fireside chats on radio in 1933 that a medium in mass use for years became a political force. J.F.K. did the same for television, not only by vanquishing the camera-challenged Richard Nixon during the 1960 debates but by replacing the Eisenhower White House's prerecorded TV news conferences (which could be cleaned up with editing) with live broadcasts. Until Kennedy proved otherwise, most of Washington's wise men thought, as The New York Times columnist James Reston wrote in 1961, that a spontaneous televised press conference was "the goofiest idea since the Hula Hoop."

Such has been much of the reaction to the Dean campaign's breakthrough use of its chosen medium. In Washington, the Internet is still seen mainly as a high-velocity disseminator of gossip (Drudge) and rabidly partisan sharpshooting by self-publishing excoriators of the left and right. When used by campaigns, the Internet becomes a synonym for "the young," "geeks," "small contributors" and "upper middle class," as if it were an eccentric electronic cousin to direct-mail fund-raising run by the acne-prone members of a suburban high school's computer club. In other words, the political establishment has been blindsided by the Internet's growing sophistication as a political tool — and therefore blindsided by the Dean campaign — much as the music industry establishment was by file sharing and the major movie studios were by "The Blair Witch Project," the amateurish under-$100,000 movie that turned viral marketing on the Web into a financial mother lode.

The condescending reaction to the Dean insurgency by television's political correspondents can be reminiscent of that hilarious party scene in the movie "Singin' in the Rain," where Hollywood's silent-era elite greets the advent of talkies with dismissive bafflement. "The Internet has yet to mature as a political tool," intoned Carl Cameron of Fox News last summer as he reported that the runner-up group to Dean supporters on the meetup.com site was witches. "If you want to be a Deaniac," ABC News's Claire Shipman said this fall, "you've got to know the lingo," as she dutifully gave her viewers an uninformed definition of "blogging."

In Washington, the only place in America where HBO's now-canceled "K Street" aroused histrionic debate, TV remains all. No one knew what to make of the mixed message sent by Dr. Dean's performance on "Meet the Press" in June: though the candidate flunked a pop quiz about American troop strength (just as George W. Bush flunked a pop quiz about world leaders in 1999), his Internet site broke its previous Sunday record for contributions by a factor of more than 10. More recently, the dean of capital journalists, David Broder, dyspeptically wrote that "Dean failed to dominate any of the Democratic candidate debates." True, but those few Americans who watched the debates didn't exactly rush to the candidate who did effortlessly dominate most of them, Al Sharpton. (Mr. Sharpton's reward for his performance wasn't poll numbers or contributions but, appropriately enough, a gig as a guest host on "Saturday Night Live.")

"People don't realize what's happened since 2000," said Joe Trippi, the Dean campaign manager, when I spoke to him shortly after Al Gore, the Democrats' would-be technopresident, impulsively crowned Dr. Dean as his heir. "Since 2000, many more millions have bought a book at Amazon and held an auction on e-Bay. John McCain's Internet campaign was amazing three years ago but looks primitive now." The Dean campaign, Mr. Trippi explained, is "not just people e-mailing each other and chatting in chat rooms." His campaign has those and more — all served by countless sites, many of them awash in multi-media, that link the personal (photos included) to the political as tightly as they link to each other.

They are efficient: type in a ZIP code and you meet Dean-inclined neighbors. Search tools instantly locate postings on subjects both practical (a book to give as a present to a Dean supporter?) and ideological. The official bloggers update the news and spin it as obsessively as independent bloggers do. To while away an afternoon, go to the left-hand column of the official blogforamerica.com page and tour the unofficial sites. On one of three Mormon-centric pages, you can find the answer to the question "Can Mormons be Democrats?" (Yes, they can, and yes, they can vote for Howard Dean.) At www.projectdeanlight.com, volunteers compete at their own expense to outdo each other with slick Dean commercials.

But the big Dean innovation is to empower passionate supporters to leave their computer screens entirely to hunt down unwired supporters as well and to gather together in real time at face-to-face meetings they organize on their own with no help from (or cost to) the campaign hierarchy. Meetup.com, the for-profit Web site that the Dean campaign contracted to facilitate these meetings, didn't even exist until last year. (It is not to be confused with the symbiotic but more conventional liberal advocacy and fund-raising site,

MoveOn.org.) Its success is part of the same cultural wave as last summer's "flash mob" craze (crowds using the Internet to converge at the same public place at the same time as a prank) and, more substantially, the spike in real rather than virtual social networks, for dating and otherwise, through sites like match.com and friendster.com. From Mr. Trippi's perspective, "The Internet puts back into the campaign what TV took out — people."

To say that the competing campaigns don't get it is an understatement. A tough new anti-Dean attack ad has been put up on the campaign's own site, where it's a magnet for hundreds of thousands of dollars in new contributions. The twice-divorced Dennis Kucinich's most effective use of the Web thus far has been to have a public date with the winner of a "Who Wants to Be a First Lady?" Internet contest. Though others have caught up with meetup.com, only the Wesley Clark campaign is racing to mirror Dr. Dean's in most particulars. The other Democratic Web sites are very 2000, despite all their blogs and other gizmos.

"The term blog is now so ubiquitous everyone has to use it," says the author Steven Johnson, whose prescient 2001 book "Emergence" is essential reading for anyone seeking to understand this culture. On some candidates' sites, he observes, "there is no difference between a blog and a chronological list of press releases." And the presence of a poll on a site hardly constitutes interactivity. The underlying principles of the Dean Internet campaign "are the opposite of a poll," Mr. Johnson says. Much as thousands of connected techies perfected the Linux operating system's code through open collaboration, so Dean online followers collaborate on organizing and perfecting the campaign, their ideas trickling up from the bottom rather than being superimposed from national headquarters. (Or at least their campaign ideas trickle up; policy is still concentrated at the top.) It's almost as if Dr. Dean is "a system running for president," in Mr. Johnson's view, as opposed to a person.

In that sense, the candidate is a perfect fit for his chosen medium. Though his campaign's Internet dependence was initially dictated by necessity when he had little organization and no money, it still serves his no-frills personality even when he's the fund-raising champ. Dr. Dean runs the least personal of campaigns; his wife avoids the stump. That's a strategy befitting an online, not an on-TV, personality. Dr. Dean's irascible polemical tone is made for the Web, too. Jonah Peretti, a new media specialist at Eyebeam, an arts organization in New York, observes that boldness is to the Internet what F.D.R.'s voice was to radio and J.F.K.'s image to television: "A moderate message is not the kind of thing that friends want to e-mail to each other and say, `You gotta take a look at this!' "

Unlike Al Gore, Dr. Dean doesn't aspire to be hip about computers. "The Internet is a tool, not a campaign platform," he has rightly said, and he needn't be a techie any more than pilot his own campaign plane. But if no tool, however powerful, can make anyone president in itself, it can smash opponents hard when it draws a ton of cash. Money talks to the old media and buys its advertising. Dr. Dean's message has already upstaged the official Democratic party and its presumed rulers, the Clintons. Thanks to the Supreme Court's upholding of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform, he also holds a strategic advantage over the Democratic National Committee in fund-raising, at least for now.

Should Dr. Dean actually end up running against President Bush next year, an utterly asymmetrical battle will be joined. The Bush-Cheney machine is a centralized hierarchy reflecting its pre-digital C.E.O. ethos (and the political training of Karl Rove); it is accustomed to broadcasting to voters from on high rather than drawing most of its grass-roots power from what bubbles up from insurgents below.

For all sorts of real-world reasons, stretching from Baghdad to Wall Street, Mr. Bush could squish Dr. Dean like a bug next November. But just as anything can happen in politics, anything can happen on the Internet. The music industry thought tough talk, hard-knuckle litigation and lobbying Congress could stop the forces unleashed by Shawn Fanning, the teenager behind Napster. Today the record business is in meltdown, and more Americans use file-sharing software than voted for Mr. Bush in the last presidential election. The luckiest thing that could happen to the Dean campaign is that its opponents remain oblivious to recent digital history and keep focusing on analog analogies to McGovern and Goldwater instead.

Copyright © 2003 The New York Times Company


No Standing O By Default

I attended the community theater performance of the The Man of La Mancha recently. The audience lept to its feet and gave the cast a standing O. I didn't think the production was good high school work, but I got to my feet along with everyone else. Mob psychology? Cliché? Cheapened taste? Philistinism? Pity? If this is (fair & balanced) candor, so be it.


[x NYTimes]
The Tyranny of the Standing Ovation
By JESSE McKINLEY

A few weeks back, just after "Taboo" opened to harsh reviews, lackluster ticket sales and rumors of its imminent demise, a press representative for Rosie O'Donnell, the show's producer, proudly announced that the production was a success.

The proof? "We've played 21 performances," the press rep said. "And have received 21 standing ovations."

Well, not to be a Grinch, but that and two bucks would get Ms. O'Donnell on the subway. Go to nearly any Broadway house, any night, and you can catch a crowd jumping up for the curtain call like politicians at a State of the Union address. And just as in politics, the intensity of the ovation doesn't necessarily reflect the quality of the performance.

The phenomenon has become so exaggerated, in fact, that audiences now rise to their feet for even the very least successful shows. Recent Broadway flops like "Jackie Mason's Laughing Room Only," which closed in less than two weeks, "The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All," which closed on opening night, and "Bobbi Boland," which closed in previews, all received standing ovations.

This sort of effusive praise can also be witnessed far from Broadway. Opera fans have never shied away from huzzahs (not to mention boos), but lately even classical music crowds have been getting in on the act — and out of their seats. Modern dance and ballet fans might be a tad more discerning, but they regularly rise up when the curtain falls. Even British audiences, who used to insist that they "only stand for the Queen," have been seen leaping to their feet on the West End like junior high school drama students on a class trip to "Cats."

"It's gotten totally out of hand," said Chita Rivera, the 70-year-old phenom who made her Broadway debut in 1955, when she sweated out curtain call after curtain call without ever seeing the audience rise. "It's become a bit of audience participation. What does it mean anymore?"

Liz Smith, the syndicated columnist who has seen a few shows in her day, agrees. "Now the standing ovation is de rigueur," she said. "They would give a standing ovation to `Moose Murders' if they could revive it," she added, referring to the infamous 1983 Broadway flop, which — just for the record — should never, ever be revived.

Most Broadway veterans trace the change to the steep rise, over the last decade or so, in the cost of a ticket. "I guess the audience just feels having paid $75 to sit down, it's their time to stand up," said the playwright Arthur Miller. "I don't mean to be a cynic but it probably all changed when the price went up."

Just how those rising prices produce rising audiences is not, however, an easy question. John Lahr, the theater critic for The New Yorker magazine, sees a complex psychological dynamic at work. "I think it's generally an attempt by the audience at self-hypnosis," he said. "They think if they go to a show and stand at the end they've had a good time. They're trying to give themselves the experience they thought they should have."

If it starts out as a kind of personal therapy, though, it quickly exerts an effect on group psychology. Kathy Duprey, who was visiting from Dallas, saw "The Phantom of the Opera" on a recent Monday, and was surprised to find herself on her feet during the curtain call. "I saw other people standing up, so I did too," she said. Her friend Samantha Hall, also from Dallas, agreed: "The emotion of the curtain call just gets to you."

Emotion, or maybe just plain old peer pressure. "Unless I'm terribly bowled over I don't want to stand," said Jonathan Sale, 30, a New York actor. "At the same time, I'm also not going to be the only one who sits down. That makes a statement." And dooms one, of course, to spend long minutes staring at a stranger's backside rather than a favorite performer.

Those who admit to being first on their feet, however, see no need for theorizing or socioeconomic speculation. They say they give standing ovations for one very simple reason: to show their appreciation. "A good audience can help a show," said Doug Friedman, 40, who in addition to seeing a lot of shows, has appeared in "Tommy" and "A Chorus Line." "A standing ovation can really make it easier to do eight shows a week."

It can also be a way to single out an exceptional performance. Kevin Kline, now appearing in "Henry IV," and Bernadette Peters, in "Gypsy," regularly get audiences to their feet, but so does Hugh Jackman, whose show, "The Boy From Oz," got mediocre reviews. "I generally stand for specific performers," said Susan Schmidt, 34, a mother of three from Westport, Conn. She most recently leaped up for one of the puppeteers at a performance of "Avenue Q," though, she later admitted, it was difficult to pinpoint which one, "when there are puppets involved."

The gesture can mean a great deal to performers — so much so that they've been known to actively solicit it. Harvey Fierstein, the star of "Hairspray," reports that through more than 550 performances, his show has received a standing ovation every single time. But years ago, during the last days of "Torch Song Trilogy," he found the audience to be a bit less forthcoming. So he learned how to coax them along: with a broad sweep of the arm he described as "Quentin Crisp doing Eva Perón." And sure enough, he said, "they would rise, rise, rise."

Producers have been known to work a few tricks, too, though in their case the motivation is less ego than business. To impress critics who see a show in previews, producers sometimes pack the house with claques and friends of the production who are all the more willing to pour it on. The likelihood of a standing ovation can even become a selling point for a show, as with "Blood Brothers," which ran on Broadway during the early 1990's, and advertised that it always got a standing ovation. There are even ways to write that imperative into the show itself. In "Mamma Mia!" for example, the Abba spectacle at the Winter Garden Theater, the last number is one for which the whole audience tends to get up and dance. "They get you up under false pretenses," Mr. Lahr said. "And you stay up."

To Mr. Lahr, it's all part of the effort to "enchant and infantalize" an audience. "Essentially, when you're talking about a standing ovation," he said, "you're talking about the spellbound."

When did all this standupmanship begin? The Greeks invented theater, of course, and the Romans — with those lions at the Colosseum — probably invented criticism. Much of the audience in Shakespeare's time stood up through the whole play because they didn't have seats in the first place. "Maybe when they really liked something," Mr. Miller said, "they sat down."

Opera fans probably began standing for exceptional performances sometime around the 17th century. But theater historians tend to agree that the standing ovation emerged in its current form on Broadway in the years after World War II. At first, it was reserved as a special honor for classic dramatic performances — Fredric March and Florence Eldridge in "Long Day's Journey Into Night" (1956), Zero Mostel in "Rhinoceros" (1961). Then in the mid-1960's, all that changed.

Ethan Mordden, a scholar of the history of the American musical, cites what he calls the Big Lady Theory to explain the shift. In classic 1950's musicals like "My Fair Lady," Mr. Mordden said, "the music for the bows is so short there's barely time for the ensemble to come running out and the leads to take their bows before the curtain comes down." But a new generation of musicals designed to showcase a diva — like "Hello, Dolly!" (produced in 1964, with Carol Channing) and "Mame" (1966, with Angela Lansbury) — saw, he says, "the advent of the staged, sung curtain call."

"The whole curtain call is built to a climax," he explained. "The ensemble bows and sings. The male leads bow, and supporting women, and everything builds and builds and builds, and then when everyone's attention is focused, the star comes out in her 37th Bob Mackie gown of the evening. By that point, you have no choice but get to your feet."

Audiences in other mediums found their own ways of showing special approval. Fans of the 19th-century ballerina Fanny Elssler were said to have boiled and eaten her slipper. More recently, jazz fans snapped their fingers and nodded, and rock 'n' roll fans lit their lighters (before they quit smoking). Fans in Eastern Europe still clap rhythmically or stomp their feet, while grateful Japanese audiences might applaud for as many as 20 curtain calls, all without leaving their seats.

In the realm of classical music, standing ovations emerged somewhat organically. Zarin Mehta, the New York Philharmonic's executive director, says that some classical pieces — say, Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto or Beethoven's Ninth Symphony — build to a climax that prompts the audience to its feet in a great rush. But it no longer takes that kind of swelling score to achieve that result. "The real, true standing ovations haven't become devalued," said Ara Guzelimian, senior director and artistic adviser of Carnegie Hall. "But we have seen more of the `I have to get out to Connecticut' type. The half — and half-hearted — standing ovation has become more common."

Still, Dr. Bertram Schaffner, a 91-year-old psychiatrist who has been attending classical music concerts in the city since the 1930's, says he finds it heartening, both as a ticket holder and as a trained professional. "I wouldn't call it mob mentality," he said. "I would say that people nowadays are simply more free about showing how they feel. People enjoy showing their pleasure."

WHATEVER the motivation, the effect of the rampant increase in standing ovations has been accompanied by — as with any other form of inflation — a decrease in value. If almost every performance receives one, then it ceases to be a meaningful compliment — and actors who don't get one cease to be able to console themselves.

Have we really reached the point in this crazy mixed-up world where even thunderous applause means nothing unless delivered from a standing position? Even actors — who never met a fan they didn't like — say that in an age when everything is worthy of the highest accolade, it's hard to tell how much an audience actually likes you. "It's a phenomenon that I think we can all do very well without," said Brian Murray, the South African-born actor currently appearing in "Beckett/Albee" Off Broadway. "If they do it automatically, they might as well not bother."

Tovah Feldshuh, who plays Golda Meir in "Golda's Balcony," on Broadway at the Helen Hayes Theater, says that now her favorite reception is the one that suggests the audience is hanging on her every word. "I like when we get what I call the stunned ovation," she said. "The other night, I counted 14 seconds before the first clap."

Her appreciation of that long pause, and her audience's self-restraint, may point the way to a less effusive, more meaningful future of dramatic feedback. But for the time being, though standing ovations may be overused, overexposed and downright cheap, most performers will still happily admit that they feel, well, awfully nice.

"Maybe it's become rather common, but I can't say it feels any worse," Mr. Fierstein said. "It's kind of like sex. Just because the guy down the street got it doesn't mean it doesn't feel good."

Copyright © 2003 The New York Times Company

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Here's An Original Thought: Let Saddam Live!

What a point! Cohen concludes with the zinger that if we (er, the Iraqis) execute Saddam Hussein, we (er, the Iraqis) would be doing what Saddam would have done himself. If this be (fair & balanced) contrarianism, so be it.



[x washingtonpost.com]
Let Saddam Live
By Richard Cohen

This column may be the most futile of my long career. I am about to plead for Saddam Hussein's life. I do so not because I have the slightest doubt that he is a killer, responsible for taking the lives of many thousands, but because sparing his life would send a message to the world that judicial death -- so often abused -- is no longer acceptable.

Such a day will come, no doubt about it. The death penalty is already illegal in most of Europe, and renunciation of it is required for admission to the European Union. Many other countries keep the death penalty on their books but have not had an execution in so long that the prospect of one is remote.

This, of course, is not the case in the United States. Here, the death penalty not only remains on the books but executions are common. Along with such pariah nations as Sudan, the United States still executes children (under 18) and the mentally feeble -- and, inevitably, the innocent.

President Bush has already endorsed the death penalty for Hussein. "I think he ought to get the ultimate penalty," he told ABC's Diane Sawyer. But Bush, a primitive in such matters, was somehow not the first to call for Hussein's death. That honor may belong to Joe Lieberman, who, in the manner of John Ashcroft with the Washington snipers, said the United States ought to shop for a jurisdiction that permits the death penalty. For some reason -- probably an oversight -- he did not suggest Virginia or Texas.

Instead Lieberman merely ruled out the International Criminal Court in The Hague, because it is not empowered to impose the death penalty. The court is now trying the former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic -- and has already convicted others from the wars in the former Yugoslavia -- but it sorely lacks a gallows, and for that matter a torture chamber.

"So my first question about where he's going to be tried will be answered by whether the tribunal can execute him," Lieberman said in response to a question from Tim Russert on "Meet The Press." Calling Hussein evil, the Connecticut senator said, "This man . . . has to face the death penalty."

Probably most of the Democratic presidential candidates agree. In the United States the right of the government to take life is almost universally accepted -- if not applauded. In Europe there is no such consensus. That's because in the past century, much of the continent suffered under fascist or communist governments that routinely murdered their own citizens, often "legally." It's true, of course, that these governments also jailed and tortured people without killing them, but only death is irrevocable. Life in prison is a lifetime of punishment.

In many ways Iraq was the equivalent of a European totalitarian country. Call it Baathist if you will, but Iraq under Saddam Hussein was essentially fascist, with the death penalty meted out willy-nilly, sometimes for serious crimes, sometimes for trivial infractions such as possession of a cell phone. The Iraqis no doubt expect to treat Hussein as he treated them. It would be marvelous if they were disappointed. We can do better than an eye for an eye. We can establish the principle of limited government that should be so dear to American conservatives such as Bush: Among the things government should not do is take a life.

Except for the principle, I don't care about Saddam Hussein's life. I care about him the same way I care about your more prosaic murderer -- not at all. But the principle is important. The death penalty vindicates the killer's mentality: Life can be taken. When a California killer named Hung Thanh Mai, who had murdered a cop at a routine traffic stop, faced the jury during the penalty phase of his trial, he said he was prepared to die.

"Personally, I believe in an eye for an eye," he said. "I believe in two eyes for an eye. If you take down one of my fellows, I'd do everything to take down two of yours."

President Bush, Joe Lieberman and much of America will probably have it their way. Saddam Hussein will be tried -- probably in Iraq -- found guilty and executed. In his reptilian brain, he will understand. He would have done the same thing himself.

© 2003 The Washington Post Company



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Warning: Do Not Suffer Serious Injury In Mississippi

Tort reform is another way of saying Screw the little guy. Mississippi has outlawed hedonic damages. It may be good for bidness, but it sure as hell isn't good for some poor accident victim where a railroad doesn't provide safety gates or flashing lights at a crossing. On top of that, trackside trees obscured the view of oncoming trains. So what? In Mississippi, it's just bac luck for some poor soul run down by a locamotive at a crossing. If this be (fair & balanced) outrage, so be it.



[x Legal Affairs]
What's Your Happiness Worth?
$3.2 million, says one influential economist.
By Brendan I. Koerner

J. C. JOHNSON NEVER HAD A CHANCE. Turning off Mississippi's Highway 80 onto a steeply ascending rural road, he had no inkling of the freight train that was approaching the crossing ahead. There were no safety gates or flashing lights, and unpruned trees obscured the view. The engineer on the locomotive's right-hand side didn't see Johnson's truck until the crossing was less than 150 feet away—a distance the train would cover in less than three seconds. A full brake was impossible.

Johnson escaped the July 1995 collision with his life, but his wounds were horrific: a cracked pelvis, bruised lungs, gnarled hands, and extensive brain injuries. Given the lack of safety measures at the crossing, a lawsuit against the train's owner, Kansas City Southern Railway, was inevitable. With his mental capacity reduced to that of a child, Johnson could no longer work, and his medical expenses were huge—standard reasons for seeking compensation in a tort suit.

But Johnson and his family felt entitled to something more. Not only could he no longer earn a salary; he couldn't even participate in the activities that had brought him the most joy—hunting, fishing, and tending to his yard. Nor could he banter and josh with his family. “I watched an articulate man who took pride in his vocabulary struggle to get one word out,” Johnson's daughter, Angela, testified at trial. “And I have watched a person that was always happy look sullen and sad, stare out into space.”

The accident had clearly stripped Johnson of substantial happiness, and he demanded compensation for that loss—“hedonic damages,” in legal parlance. Other noneconomic tort awards, like money doled out for emotional distress, are arbitrary, based on little more than the jury's intuition and the size of past sums. There's no such thing as an expert witness on pain and suffering, since it's acknowledged that there's no way to calculate something so subjective. Hedonic damages, by contrast, are ostensibly rooted in science, based on a statistical formula that purports to translate a lifetime of joie de vivre into cold cash. That means the plaintiff can put an expert witness on the stand to explain the principles of hedonic damages and moisten a few jurors' eyes. Such testimony is often ruled inadmissible because of doubts that forensic economists can compute joy. But when the testimony works, it can inspire jurors to dole out millions.

In need of an expert, Johnson's attorneys turned to Stan Smith, the 56-year-old Chicago-based economist who coined the term hedonic damages. Twenty years ago, called to testify in the federal wrongful death case of Sherrod v. Berry, he devised a methodology for measuring a human life. The Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals singled out Smith's formula as “invaluable to the jury.” Ever since, he's made a career of crisscrossing the country at the behest of plaintiffs, explaining to juries that happiness has a monetary value: roughly $3.2 million for the average American, by his calculation.

AT THE HEART OF SMITH'S FORMULA is a concept called “willingness to pay,” or WTP. This can be broken down into two subsets, the “wage-risk model” and the “consumer expenditure approach.” The former analyzes how much additional salary people demand to assume additional risk. Suppose you're a security guard and your boss wants to transfer you to a downtown warehouse where the crime rates are higher. In the new neighborhood, your odds of being killed in the line of duty will double from 1 per 2,000 to 1 per 1,000. Aware of this danger, you ask for a pay raise of $3,000 a year. So, according to Smith's calculations, you've just valued your life at $3,000,000—$3,000 multiplied by 1,000. Not that Smith tailors his formula to the particulars of an individual's life; rather, he examines decisions in numerous professions and comes up with a range of averages.

The consumer expenditure approach looks at how much people are willing to spend on safety products to reduce their risk of death. Let's say you've splashed out $1,000 for a snazzy burglar alarm, which has lessened your risk of being shot by a robber by 0.02 percent; then, you've valued your life at $5,000,000.

A lot of forensic economists frown on Smith's extrapolation of WTP averages into monetary measurements of delight. A police officer may put his life at risk for a low financial incentive, but that doesn't mean he is necessarily unhappy. He might enjoy the risk and the adventure of the job. And what about all those millionaires cooped up in fortified McMansions, stressing over their 80-hour-week jobs and popping antidepressants—doesn't Smith's formula imply that they're happier than middle-class moms who don't have security cameras? WTP “calculates the value of reducing the risk of a fatal accident,” said Richard Stout, an economics professor at Knox College in Galesburg, Ill. “To go from that to saying, 'Oh, that's the value of a life'? No way—it doesn't follow.”

Another common gripe is that Smith is overselling the power of economic analysis. A growing number of economists are interested in integrating psychology into their models; a share of the 2002 Nobel Prize in economics went to Daniel Kahneman, a Princeton University psychologist who has developed new metrics for well-being. But few economists believe that such research can be used to quantify life's pleasures in dollar terms. “Economists generally limit themselves to the types of assets that are priced in commercial markets,” explained Thomas R. Ireland, an economics professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis. “There's nowhere you can go to buy some happiness. I mean, you can't pay $1,000 and be happy for the next year.”

Smith counters that the WTP's self-valuations must correlate, albeit loosely, with human happiness, since a person who loves life will prize his continued existence more highly than a miserable soul. Smith admits it's not a perfect methodology, given the complexity of the human psyche. “What would be difficult is to definitively determine whether one person is enjoying life more than another,” he said. “I can't tell you that a famous canvas painter enjoys life more than an outdoor sign painter, or a musician enjoys life more than a kindergarten school teacher . . . . But we can get a value for how much the average person enjoys life.”

The jury in the Johnson case seemed swayed by that logic. It awarded $3.5 million to Johnson and his wife, far more than they would have recovered had they pressed only for economic damages of lost wages and medical costs. How the jury arrived at that multimillion-dollar figure is a mystery to Smith, as he did not suggest an exact sum—and never does. “I orient them to the concept and give them the statistical values, then leave the final tailoring up to them,” he said.

The vagueness of such expert testimony may be its strength. Even if jurors are confused by the concept of happiness, or don't buy it entirely, having an economist on the stand to talk about it can plant an important seed in their minds. At the very least, it gives the plaintiff's attorney a convenient heartstring to tug at during closing arguments. “The minute you characterize it as money for not being able to have sex, people perk up,” said Abraham Rudy, a civil litigator with the Beverly Hills firm of Weissmann Wolff. “When juries buy it, they buy it big.”

KANSAS CITY SOUTHERN RAILWAY, like many other defendants facing hedonic damages claims, unsuccessfully tried to exclude Smith's expert testimony on the grounds that it was “junk science.” More often than not, that strategy seems to work: A 1997 survey coauthored by Ireland found that hedonic testimony was excluded in 13 out of the 15 cases examined. Such testimony usually flunks the Daubert test, which requires scientific evidence to be derived from reliable methods in order to be admissible.

Mississippi uses the older Frye test, which requires only that testimony be generally accepted in the relevant field. And it's getting easier for trial lawyers to demonstrate that hedonic testimony meets that criterion. Nearly 20 years after Smith began his career as an expert witness, his formula is widely used. And he's quite proud that the bill authorizing compensation to 9/11 victims mentions hedonic damages. It allows the special master in charge of determining the payouts to factor lost happiness into his equations.

In February 2001, the Mississippi Supreme Court affirmed the trial court's decision to allow Smith's testimony in the Johnson case, to the chagrin of the state's insurance industry. Insurers were even more perturbed the following May, when the court went a step further in Choctaw Maid Farms, Inc. v. Elizabeth F. Hailey. In Choctaw, the estate of a 23-year-old accident victim sought hedonic damages for the happiness the young man would never have. Smith testified at the trial, and the jury included $1,902,318 in hedonic damages in their verdict. The state's supreme court ruled 6-3 that hedonic damages were, indeed, recoverable, even though the slain man, unlike J. C. Johnson, could not know what he was missing.

The Mississippi court became just the fifth state supreme court after New Mexico, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Hawaii to affirm the recovery of hedonic damages in wrongful death cases. (Under Sherrod v. Berry, a case involving police brutality in Illinois, the federal system permits hedonic damages when a death occurs as part of a civil rights violation.) Smith thinks that granting hedonic damages is only fair. “We send our children to Sunday school and teach them that life is a gift from God, and it's our most precious asset,” he said. “Then we have to tell them that in 45 out of 50 states, it's given an asset value of zero?”

The greatest barrier to the more widespread pursuit of hedonic damages remains the imprecision of Smith's methodology. But other economists are pushing the science of joy measurement beyond WTP. In 2002, a pair of economists at Warwick University in England published a paper entitled “A Simple Statistical Method for Measuring How Life Events Affect Happiness.” Relying on approximately 1 million self-assessment reports from 20 nations, Andrew Clark and Andrew Oswald calculated exactly how much specific events, like getting married or falling gravely ill, affected happiness. They concluded, for example, that losing a spouse deprived a person of $250,000 worth of annual bliss, while being laid off or fired caused psychological damage equivalent to $415,000 per annum.

The Warwick researchers believe that their “macroeconomics of happiness” could assist juries in determining hedonic awards. But their formula won't be mentioned in any Mississippi courtrooms. On the heels of the Johnson and Choctaw decisions, there was a public uproar over the state's “jackpot justice reputation,” as the president of the Mississippi Manufacturers Association called it in the Jackson Clarion-Ledger. In a special session in November 2002, the Mississippi state legislature passed a sweeping tort reform bill that forbids any expert testimony on hedonic damages and prohibits such awards in wrongful death cases. Mississippi thus became the first state successfully to outlaw hedonic testimony. The state's juries need no longer concern themselves with human happiness.

Brendan I. Koerner, a fellow at the New America Foundation, last wrote for Legal Affairs about Global Positioning System technology.

Copyright © 2003 Legal Affairs



Only 4 Shopping Days Remain

Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves is proud of its public service ethic. Here are some great gift ideas for the procrastinator in the holiday season (Ka-Ching!). Shopping is a religious experience? If this be (fair & balanced) conspicuous consumption, so be it.



[x Washington Post]
Oh, Just What We Needed: S'more Useless Gifts
By Don Oldenburg

Probably every Christmas since the wise men gave Mary and Joseph a clunker "Treasure of the Magi," the present that didn't get mentioned in the Scriptures, there has been that gift that keeps on galling. You know, the useless present.

Why, this very moment there are pointless presents, bought with the best of intentions, lovingly wrapped and placed under the tree -- maybe under your tree! And they are of the "Oh-my-look-what-it-is!" and "You-shouldn't-have-no-no-really-you-shouldn't-have" variety. Think Singin' Fish on Wall Plaque or burbling Rock Garden Relaxation Fountain, the toasts of Christmases Past.

Some even become cultural classics: Fondue sets established the postmodern standard of utterly trifling gifts, and Pet Rocks redefined the Sisyphean giving season. Most of them end up in the attic with last Christmas's breadmaking machine (used three times) and other such things that were better to give than receive.

As wrong as fruitcake, socks and bad ties are, these gifts are worse. With great pretensions of importance or popularity, they do something that isn't remotely needed or is already quite capably accomplished more simply, with more class or aesthetic value. These gifts scream: "We've got too much stuff!"

These gifts make you stop and think, amid the cheeriest of Christmas spirit, that maybe, just maybe, "Peanuts' " Lucy was right when she said: "Christmas is a big commercial racket!"

This year's gifts that defy raison d'etre:

• Hoffritz S'mores Maker: That it's advertised as "modeled after a fondue set" should tell you all you need to know. For $45, it includes four ceramic containers for the marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers, plus little forks for toasting over the Sterno-fueled grill. And get this: It sits on a Lazy Susan -- one of the classic clutter contraptions of all time! You don't even want to imagine little Girl Scouts in the woods charbroiling S'mores over a Hoffritz S'Mores Maker. Puh-leeze! S'less!

• Norelco Advantage 6756-X Deluxe Electric Shaver: The newest trend in electric shavers is that fancy models dispense shaving gel and shave dry or wet. Wasn't the whole idea behind electric razors that you didn't need shaving cream? Just $139? O-o-ouch!

• Salton Santa Fe Quesadilla Maker: Wait a minute, isn't making quesadillas easy? Like, duh, get out the frying pan. Before plopping down $34, ask yourself: Do the great chefs of Mexico use this thing?

• AccuGage Talking Air Pressure Gauge: Golly, you wouldn't want to miss a word there at the gas station air pump as your trusty $20 talking gauge announces your tire pressure. Maybe for blind drivers? Or nighttime tire pumping?

• Smoothie Jr.: This hybrid blender is designed specifically for one job only -- making smoothies. But wait! Make that Junior smoothies. Necessary? If you've got a blender, you don't need this $43 gimmick from Back to Basics.

• Nostalgic Record Player Turntable: It takes the recording industry 15 years to wean audiophiles from vinyl to digital -- and here we are back buying turntables as a trip down memory lane? Cripes, how's this for a memory: Schnick, la la la, schnick, la la la, schnick? Scratches, skips and pops on records is why you didn't miss them in the first place. Several styles of retro turntables from $100 to $200 are available to play all those boxed-up 33 rpm records, 45 rpm singles and 78 rpm classics. Just dust 'em off first.

• Bow-Lingual: The wireless microphone analyzer device attaches to your dog's collar and, according to its Japanese manufacturer, Takara, translates every bark. Supposedly it matches pooch lingo to 200 phrases that appear on its tiny screen. Grrrr! You don't need a $100 gadget to know what your dog is saying -- just listen.

• Cocomotion: Made by Mr. Coffee, it's a dedicated hot chocolate maker that brews up to four mugs of hot cocoa and obviously makes obsolete the pot-on-the-stove method. For $30, you too can clutter your kitchen cabinets even more. Say it ain't so, Joe.

• Duct-Tape Wallet: Ranging from $10 to $30, this is a low-tech gift only a high-tech nerdo could love. Made by Ducti, a company that uses specially designed duct tape to "craft" wallets and checkbooks so they don't get gunky and lint doesn't stick to them, they are not yet recommended by the Department of Homeland Security, but give it time.

• Totally Gross: The Game of Science: Here's a $40 board game from University Games trying to seduce youngsters into the scientific method with flatulence and boogers.

• Tick-Tack-Toe Game Set: Hey, it's a lot of trouble finding a sheet of paper and a pencil these days, then drawing two almost-parallel lines intersected by two other almost-parallel lines. And all those X's and O's. . . . So for only $10 you can give that tick-tack-toe connoisseur on your list a finely crafted, wooden tick-tack-toe set with frosted crystal X's and O's.

• Smart Tape Pro Digital Tape Measure With Voice Recorder: Nothing against the digital tape measure, but does anyone really need the voice recorder built into it? For $20? Especially now that the paper and pencil has been freed up from tick-tack-toe? What's next? A voice recorder with built-in digital measuring tape?

• Ambient Orb Stock Market Monitor: Cross a mood ring with a stock market tracker, apply the terrorist-threat color code, and whaddaya get? A desktop orb that changes colors when the market fluctuates -- green for when the Dow's up, yellow for unchanged, and red for down. Only $150. And not too heavy to fling out the window!

• Battery-Operated Corkscrew: Never mind that it includes a foil cutter (because how else would we cut the foil?). Unless your wrists are too weak to twist, you don't need this $20 un-necessity! Next time at a restaurant when you order a bottle of wine that doesn't have a screw-off cap, check out your waiter's pocket corkscrew -- the simple fold-out kind. It works perfectly well at less than half the price.

• Fondue Set: Yes, it's ba-a-a-ck! People are forking over their money again this year for the reinvented fondue craze billed as the must-have for the hostess with the mostest. Let's face it: Is there anything cheesier than a fondue set?

Copyright © 2003 Washington Post