Handy Andy Borowitz writes fanciful "news reports" that usually veer beyond belief. In today's "report," Borowitz has The *ILK boasting to an idiot on Faux News that his TV ratings were superior to the TV ratings achieved by Abraham Lincoln. The problem for the *ILK is that Lincoln died nearly 75 years before the first presidential TV appearance. If you think this impossible, ponder this: on a trip to Hawaii, The *ILK was informed that he would visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial and the dumbest occupant to ever disgrace the Oval Office asked: "What happened at Pearl Harbor?" The *ILK is a dyslexic idiot. If this is (fair & balanced) proof of unfitness to hold the highest office in the land, so be it.
[x YouTube]
"The Liar Tweets Tonight" (Parody of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
By Roy Zimmerman and The ReZisters, featuring Sandy Riccardi
[x The New Yorker]
Trump Boasts That He Has Much Higher TV Ratings Than Lincoln
By Andrew (Andy) Borowitz
TagCrowd Cloud provides a visual summary of the blog post below
In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been OK at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.” ###
[Andrew (Andy) Borowitz is the creator the Borowitz Report, a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist (2012). See his other books here. Borowitz received a BA, magna cum laude (English) from Harvard University (MA).]
Copyright © 2020 The New Yorker/Condé Nast Digital
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License..
Copyright © 2020 Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves
