John Kelso is the resident redneck at the Austin Fishwrap. His latest take on the final POTUS's SOTU address will bring the Dumbos out of the woodwork expressing their outrage at his disrespect for the office of the POTUS. As another former POTUS put it, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen." If this is a (fair & balanced) Trumanism, so be it.
[x Austin Fishwrap]
Fellow Americans, the truth: Union in a sorry state
By John Kelso
Here's the State of the Union address that President Bush should have delivered Monday night if he had intended to tell you the straight skinny.
"My fellow Americans, the only good news I can think of is that I'll be outta here next year. So party on down, dude. Today in America, there are two famous ducks: me and the Aflac mascot. How can you tell us apart? Easy. I'm the one that's lame. The other good news is that it's been awhile since Dick Cheney shot anyone in the face. Hold your applause until after bird season.
"Other than that, my fellow Americans, we're hosed. OK, so I'm rich, so let me rephrase that. My fellow Americans, YOU'RE hosed.
"Now, you may have noticed that the stock market has been in the toilet. This is because of a subprime mortgage scam that has made global markets from here to Dubai, uh, uneasy. But here's the good news. More Chinese have cars than ever before. Maybe we'll get lucky and some of them will buy a Chevy. So here's my economic stimulus plan: If you know a Chinese guy, send him out to the Chevy dealership.
"Now, some of you are looking forward to those $600 checks the government will be sending out. Of course, $600 won't make a split pea-sized dent in all the money you've lost on your 401(k) because of the subprime mortgage scam. But let me help out with a savings tip: Don't vacation in Europe. Your money's no good there. Literally. There's Monopoly money, then there's the U.S. dollar. In fact, because of all the money you're losing on your 401(k), we're thinking of changing the name to .401(k).
"And remember, when you get that government check, the faster you cash it, the less chance it'll bounce.
"My fellow Americans, if you were banking on your personal savings to retire any time soon, my suggestion would be to get in the sign business. I'd start by making a sign that says, 'Will work for food.' If that doesn't work out, I understand they have some openings for greeters over at Wal-Mart. So if you look good in a blue vest and you can stay on your feet for eight hours, you have a future in marketing.
"Oh, before I get booed out of this joint — and, hey, it could happen — I should mention our new jobs program. We're building a big fence along the U.S.-Mexico border to help protect this country from a ready source of cheap labor. So, if you can pound posts, we should have some openings soon. On the other hand, because we can't hire any Mexican nationals to do the work, it'll go way over budget.
"I'd also like to report progress on the Iraq war. Under my plan, our troops will start leaving in either 3036 or when Mesopotamia freezes over, which ever comes last.
"So good luck, and fill 'er up now, because gas prices haven't peaked at $2.98, if you catch my drift."
[John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 512-445-3606 or or jkelso@statesman.com.]
Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman
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