Only 4 Shopping Days Remain

Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves is proud of its public service ethic. Here are some great gift ideas for the procrastinator in the holiday season (Ka-Ching!). Shopping is a religious experience? If this be (fair & balanced) conspicuous consumption, so be it.

[x Washington Post]
Oh, Just What We Needed: S'more Useless Gifts
By Don Oldenburg

Probably every Christmas since the wise men gave Mary and Joseph a clunker "Treasure of the Magi," the present that didn't get mentioned in the Scriptures, there has been that gift that keeps on galling. You know, the useless present.

Why, this very moment there are pointless presents, bought with the best of intentions, lovingly wrapped and placed under the tree -- maybe under your tree! And they are of the "Oh-my-look-what-it-is!" and "You-shouldn't-have-no-no-really-you-shouldn't-have" variety. Think Singin' Fish on Wall Plaque or burbling Rock Garden Relaxation Fountain, the toasts of Christmases Past.

Some even become cultural classics: Fondue sets established the postmodern standard of utterly trifling gifts, and Pet Rocks redefined the Sisyphean giving season. Most of them end up in the attic with last Christmas's breadmaking machine (used three times) and other such things that were better to give than receive.

As wrong as fruitcake, socks and bad ties are, these gifts are worse. With great pretensions of importance or popularity, they do something that isn't remotely needed or is already quite capably accomplished more simply, with more class or aesthetic value. These gifts scream: "We've got too much stuff!"

These gifts make you stop and think, amid the cheeriest of Christmas spirit, that maybe, just maybe, "Peanuts' " Lucy was right when she said: "Christmas is a big commercial racket!"

This year's gifts that defy raison d'etre:

• Hoffritz S'mores Maker: That it's advertised as "modeled after a fondue set" should tell you all you need to know. For $45, it includes four ceramic containers for the marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers, plus little forks for toasting over the Sterno-fueled grill. And get this: It sits on a Lazy Susan -- one of the classic clutter contraptions of all time! You don't even want to imagine little Girl Scouts in the woods charbroiling S'mores over a Hoffritz S'Mores Maker. Puh-leeze! S'less!

• Norelco Advantage 6756-X Deluxe Electric Shaver: The newest trend in electric shavers is that fancy models dispense shaving gel and shave dry or wet. Wasn't the whole idea behind electric razors that you didn't need shaving cream? Just $139? O-o-ouch!

• Salton Santa Fe Quesadilla Maker: Wait a minute, isn't making quesadillas easy? Like, duh, get out the frying pan. Before plopping down $34, ask yourself: Do the great chefs of Mexico use this thing?

• AccuGage Talking Air Pressure Gauge: Golly, you wouldn't want to miss a word there at the gas station air pump as your trusty $20 talking gauge announces your tire pressure. Maybe for blind drivers? Or nighttime tire pumping?

• Smoothie Jr.: This hybrid blender is designed specifically for one job only -- making smoothies. But wait! Make that Junior smoothies. Necessary? If you've got a blender, you don't need this $43 gimmick from Back to Basics.

• Nostalgic Record Player Turntable: It takes the recording industry 15 years to wean audiophiles from vinyl to digital -- and here we are back buying turntables as a trip down memory lane? Cripes, how's this for a memory: Schnick, la la la, schnick, la la la, schnick? Scratches, skips and pops on records is why you didn't miss them in the first place. Several styles of retro turntables from $100 to $200 are available to play all those boxed-up 33 rpm records, 45 rpm singles and 78 rpm classics. Just dust 'em off first.

• Bow-Lingual: The wireless microphone analyzer device attaches to your dog's collar and, according to its Japanese manufacturer, Takara, translates every bark. Supposedly it matches pooch lingo to 200 phrases that appear on its tiny screen. Grrrr! You don't need a $100 gadget to know what your dog is saying -- just listen.

• Cocomotion: Made by Mr. Coffee, it's a dedicated hot chocolate maker that brews up to four mugs of hot cocoa and obviously makes obsolete the pot-on-the-stove method. For $30, you too can clutter your kitchen cabinets even more. Say it ain't so, Joe.

• Duct-Tape Wallet: Ranging from $10 to $30, this is a low-tech gift only a high-tech nerdo could love. Made by Ducti, a company that uses specially designed duct tape to "craft" wallets and checkbooks so they don't get gunky and lint doesn't stick to them, they are not yet recommended by the Department of Homeland Security, but give it time.

• Totally Gross: The Game of Science: Here's a $40 board game from University Games trying to seduce youngsters into the scientific method with flatulence and boogers.

• Tick-Tack-Toe Game Set: Hey, it's a lot of trouble finding a sheet of paper and a pencil these days, then drawing two almost-parallel lines intersected by two other almost-parallel lines. And all those X's and O's. . . . So for only $10 you can give that tick-tack-toe connoisseur on your list a finely crafted, wooden tick-tack-toe set with frosted crystal X's and O's.

• Smart Tape Pro Digital Tape Measure With Voice Recorder: Nothing against the digital tape measure, but does anyone really need the voice recorder built into it? For $20? Especially now that the paper and pencil has been freed up from tick-tack-toe? What's next? A voice recorder with built-in digital measuring tape?

• Ambient Orb Stock Market Monitor: Cross a mood ring with a stock market tracker, apply the terrorist-threat color code, and whaddaya get? A desktop orb that changes colors when the market fluctuates -- green for when the Dow's up, yellow for unchanged, and red for down. Only $150. And not too heavy to fling out the window!

• Battery-Operated Corkscrew: Never mind that it includes a foil cutter (because how else would we cut the foil?). Unless your wrists are too weak to twist, you don't need this $20 un-necessity! Next time at a restaurant when you order a bottle of wine that doesn't have a screw-off cap, check out your waiter's pocket corkscrew -- the simple fold-out kind. It works perfectly well at less than half the price.

• Fondue Set: Yes, it's ba-a-a-ck! People are forking over their money again this year for the reinvented fondue craze billed as the must-have for the hostess with the mostest. Let's face it: Is there anything cheesier than a fondue set?

Copyright © 2003 Washington Post