What's The Refrain To "Cotton-Eyed Tom"? Like Everything Else: "Male Bovine Excrement!"

The pretend-GOB (Good Ol' Boy) in today's Austin Fishwrap got off on The Hammer (Former House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay of Sugar Land, TX). When The Hammer wasn't killin' cockroaches (with his extermination bidness), he must have been dancin' somewhere. Now, The Hammer is going to be a contestant on ABC's "Dancing With The Stars." As Tom Lehrer sang of George Murphy, who made the move from Hollywood to the U.S. Senate before Dutch got out of the gate (let alone inspired The Terminator): "At last we've got a Senator who can really give us a song and a dance." If this a (fair & balanced) sign of the Apocalypse, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
DeLay's Gonna Show The World What Kinda Heel He Really Is
By John Kelso

Tag Cloud of the following article

abc activities ball chain change charges cheek convinces cotton-eyed county dancing delay dentistry diddy earle fat fighting flossie former gets gonna guy heel hey hoofs hope kinda lead loafer majority mashed money-laundering month name nancy nobody normal ok seems stars step strike sure texas think toes tom travis tries wearing

created at TagCrowd.com

"Cotton-Eyed Joe"

[x YouTube/AATW1969 Channel]
"Cotton-Eyed Joe" (2007)
By Ray Benson and Asleep At The Wheel

I'd been married long time ago
had not been for cotton-eyed Joe
Where did you come from..where did he go
Where did you come from cotton-eyed Joe?
Got a ball-peen hammer and a two by four
Gonna whip the hell out of Cotton-eyed Joe
Where did you come from...where did he go
Where did you come from...Cotton-eyed Joe
Now what you say...(Bull-shit!)
Y'all say what...(Bull-shit!)
Still can't hear you..(Bull-shit!)
...Cotton-eyed Joe


When I think of Tom DeLay, the word "ballroom" doesn't leap into my mind.

The guy just doesn't strike me as a dancing fool. He probably gets the terminology mixed up with dentistry. You know, flossie flossie one, flossie flossie two.

Oh sure, politicians just like anybody else are capable of enjoying normal entertainment activities, like hunting and hiking and hiring hookers. And text-messaging by loafer in an airport men's room.

But Tom DeLay on "Dancing with the Stars"? That's stretching reality.

Next month, the Republican former U.S. House majority leader will help ABC's dance show kick off its ninth season when the warm and cuddly DeLay hoofs his way into your hearts.

DeLay's dance routine will lead to lib protest chants like this one: "Hey hey, Tom DeLay, how many toes did you crush today?"

Can you think of anyone more awkward for "Dancing With the Stars"? OK, so Hillary Clinton. Ain't nobody gonna call her Diddy any time soon.

On the other hand, since DeLay is a Texan from Sugar Land, and the Cotton-Eyed Joe is a Texas dance famous for use of a certain description for cow droppings, let's just change DeLay's name to something more dance-appropriate for the show: Cotton-Eyed Tom.

This shoe leather gig could present a challenge for Cotton-Eyed Tom, who was indicted on money-laundering charges. Which means he could have got stuck dancing with a ball and chain. (As opposed to dancing with the old ball and chain.)

Ever tried to do the mashed potato while wearing a money belt and carrying around all those big fat checks? No easy task, friends and neighbors. That's a lot of stuff to trip over when you're trying to fox trot.

I sure hope ABC convinces DeLay to take a few turns with former Travis County D.A. Ronnie Earle. Seems like an obvious dance card pairing.

Talk about a Texas two-step, as in Step 1: Earle tries to nail him, and Step 2: Cotton-Eyed Tom gets a great attorney and dances right on outta here.

In a situation like this, who leads? This could be the first dance contest ever that begins with, "All rise."

This is not the first time "Dancing With the Stars" looks like it should change its name to "Dancing Behind Bars." Rapper Lil' Kim, who made it onto the show, did 10 months in prison.

But it should be one heckuva arts evening, especially if the network has DeLay jitterbug with Nancy Pelosi. Who needs Xtreme Fighting when you've got the kind of fireworks those two kids would set off if they went cheek to cheek?

So come on, everybody, let's do the loco-motion. Ω

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (NH) Union-Leader; The Boonville (MO) Daily News; The Palm Beach (FL) Post, and the Racine (WI.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2009 Austin American-Statesman

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Copyright © 2009 Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves