Be Aware Of Your Surroundings: They're Out There

Last Sunday, this blog featured the "humor" column by the Austin Fishwrap's faux redneck columnist, John Kelso. Pretend-redneck Kelso took on the The Mighty Quinnette and some jerk (a dumbass Dumbo) posted a comment in this blog: "You Suck!" Just as this blogger wiped the tears from his eyes because of this heartless attack, the Dumbo attack dogs began circling The Hopester. When push comes to shove, the Dumbos will resort to the rope. "There's an empty tree over there, hang the sumbitch." And, if there isn't a rope available, they'll plant a bomb in a church and kill little girls. Kelso had better hire someone to taste his food and someone to start his car before he gets in. Kelso is correcto-mundo: they're out there. If this is (fair & balanced) repudiation of Hockey Moms, Joe Six-Packs, and Stupid Dumbos, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Counterpunch To Light Jabs At Palin: Racist Responses
By John Kelso

My Sunday column poking fun at Sarah Palin for her outdoorsy huntin' and fishin' ways brought out the worst in people.

Hey, it's nice to know they're out there. Or, as the police say, be aware of your surroundings.

Take this message that came in Sunday on my voicemail.

"As usual I appreciate your sarcastic comedy in your column, but I think you have to go with some equal time," said the caller, who didn't leave his name or number. "Let's talk about Obama, and chitlin' and collard greens in every pot. National barbecue pit. And maybe we could have a watermelon thump and seed spitting contest on the South Lawn. If you're going to rip into somebody, give equal time and don't be scared to go after somebody just because of their race. Since you don't seem to be afraid of going after somebody because of their gender."

My column about Palin didn't go after her gender. I did include one old redneck line: "No matter how good-lookin' she is, somebody somewhere is tired of her (schtick)." (Although I'm sure there are some hunk guys out there who women would feel the same way about.) The only other reference in the column that could be considered gender-based was a joke about Louis Vuitton coming out with a sequined holster if Palin becomes president. Although if you've seen "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," you could see how that joke could go either way.

Besides, who's the big chicken here? I'd say the feathered plucker in this operation is the caller. He was happy to drop off his racist observations, but he didn't have the guts to leave his name.

I can tell from his comments that Henry the Chicken Hawk isn't from around here. Texans know barbecue isn't race-based. Just about everybody in Texas barbecues regardless of skin color, church or bumper sticker. Besides, the guy who holds the all-time record at the Luling Watermelon Thump seed-spitting contest, at 68 feet 9 1/8 inches, is a white guy named Lee Wheelis.

So I'm pretty sure whoever left these remarks is a Yankee. So am I, but I'm not an uninformed one.

Then there's Timothy Shanley, 48, who has only been in Austin a year and was born and raised in a Chicago neighborhood.

"Do you have the intestinal fortitude to print my opinion in your little corner of the Statesman?" he wrote in an e-mail.

Yeah, it's lookin' like it.

Shanley played off my remark that there would be log rolling on the White House lawn if Palin became president, by painting a picture of what he thought the White House might look like with a black guy in charge.

"Will there be bar b-q and old Cadillacs on milk crates, with the musical stylings of Tupac or 50 Cent keeping the neighbors up?" he wrote. "I would rather have log rolling than blunt rolling on the South Lawn."

So there you go. They're out there. Keep your eyes peeled.

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (N.H.) Union-Leader; The Boonville (Mo.) Daily News; The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, and the Racine (Wis.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

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