One Faux Redneck Calls Out Another Faux Redneck

John Kelso, born in Maine, pretends to be a good ol' boy three times each week for the Austin Fishwrap. Some of his shtik (correct spelling, unlike Whitebread Kelso's alternative spelling below) is boring and predictable. However, just like a hog rooting around for acorns, this blogger occasionally finds a truffle in Kelso's blather. A prime example follows as con man Kelso deconstructs another con: The Mighty Quinnette. (In "The Sting," the late Paul Newman taught Robert Redford that it takes a con man to recognize a con game.) If this is the (fair & balanced) removal of a stinger, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
The Good News: If Palin Becomes President....
By John Kelso

OK, you Democrats, admit it. You're disappointed that Sarah Palin didn't make a complete fool of herself in the big debate.

You liberal wienies, don't lie to me. When she called it "nuke-U-lar," you stood up in the living room and high-fived each other.

You know, when I think of, golly gee, Sarah Palin, I'm reminded of that old redneck truism that goes, "No matter how good lookin' she is, somebody somewhere is tired of her (schtick)."

And why shouldn't they be? How come this woman talks through her nose? Did she do jail time in Minnesota? Every time Palin opens her mouth, I expect a covered-dish supper to break out.

But, darn it all, after watching Thursday night's vice presidential debate between Palin and Joe Biden, it occurred to me that the main thing Americans are wondering is if Palin is qualified to be president. In the debate, she didn't do as horribly as many had suspected.

It reminded me of a ballet review that begins, "At least nobody fell down."

Although some of the stuff she said did sound goofy. For example, she said she didn't want to talk about the cause of global warming. Hey, that's like taking a flat tire to the garage and not pointing out the nail.

Nor, gee willickers and double fudge, was she particularly original. Or, as my old pappy Ronald Reagan used to say, there you go again.

Still, gosh all hemlock, what most of us are wondering is what a Palin presidency would look like, if McCain got elected and, God help us, something happened to him.

So here, shucky darns, goes. If Sarah Palin becomes the president of the U.S.:

• Ted Nugent will play the national anthem at the World Series while field-dressing his bass player.

• Even if you can't name any newspapers you've read, that's OK as long as you know what day the salmon start runnin'.

• Palin will share her bald eagle chili recipe with the White House chef.

• Republican women will start accessorizing with a $12,000 sequined gun holster from Louis Vuitton.

• People will claim to be experts on subjects based on what they can see out their windows. As in: "I can see Brackenridge Hospital [in Austin] from my house. How 'bout I remove that wart with this jackknife?"

• Instead of an Easter egg roll on the White House lawn, they'll have a log-rolling contest.

• The ambassador to Saudi Arabia might not know Arabic, but he'll be able to fish.

• The secretary of defense won't bomb Georgia because he thinks it's too close to Alabama.

• People running for office will mention what animals they know how to clean on their TV ads. "My name's (stick candidate name here) and I just gutted this skunk."

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (N.H.) Union-Leader; The Boonville (Mo.) Daily News; The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, and the Racine (Wis.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2008 The Austin American-Statesman

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