The Ten Commandments, Alabama Style

Lighten up, Neil! Just when I was down, I came across this item. I laughed out loud. I feel better. If this be (fair & balanced) blasphemy, make the most of it.

[x Austin American-Statesman]

'Tain't Moses who found these stones

By John Kelso

Friday, August 22, 2003

If there were ever a people who needed the help of the Ten Commandments to keep them from perdition, it's the fine folks of Alabama.

So I can understand why Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore refused a federal court order to remove his 5,280-pound Ten Commandments monument from the lobby of the state Supreme Court.

Moore knew that if the monument weren't around to provide divine guidance, Alabamans would go straight to hell.

Furthermore, what business does the federal government have telling folks in Alabama how to interior decorate? If you can't say it with rocks in Alabama, where can you? Rocks meld seamlessly in Alabama with the local principles of feng shui, which most Alabamans probably figure comes with an order of egg rolls.

Where I differ with Justice Moore is that I think his monument has the wrong set of commandments etched on it. Moses had nothing to do with the gathering of the Alabama commandments. It was Moses' cousin, Elroy, who got them. By the way, when Elroy saw the burning bush, he lighted his cigarette with it.

With that in mind, here are the Alabama commandments as told to Elroy:

Thou shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are.

Thou shalt not marry thy 13-year-old cousin Thelma Jean.

Thou shalt not fish with dynamite, nor hunt with a rocket launcher.

Thou shalt exclaim "Roll, Tide," at least 12 times a day during football season.

Thou shalt not remove the wheels from thy neighbor's home.

Thou shalt repeat fifth grade at the age of 19.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's front-row tickets to the Merle Haggard concert.

Thou shalt not pawn thy teeth so thou can purchase a 12-pack.

Thou shalt not wear thine halter top and hot pants in the front row in church.

Thou shalt not cheat in a bass tournament by loading thy lunker with lead sinkers.

Thou shalt not do all thy Christmas shopping at a store with a sign out front that says "Beer, Bait & Ammo."

Thou shalt not hot-wire thy neighbor's dualie, then take it out on the interstate to see what that baby will do.

Thou shalt not wear thy Confederate T-shirt and hat ensemble to thy daughter's piano recital.

Thou shalt take Popular Mechanics magazine with thee to the outhouse.

Thou shalt not wear a bedsheet as formal attire.

Thou shalt not use an Igloo cooler as luggage on an airplane trip.

Thou shalt not go to Wal-Mart without thy shoes on.

Thou shalt make thine annual pilgrimage -- to Branson.

Thou shalt not eat the eggs at thine own children's Easter egg hunt.

Thou shalt not remove thy "Forget, Hell" bumper sticker from thy truck.

Thou shalt not place any false idols above George Wallace, Bear Bryant or Dale Earnhardt.

Copyright © 2003 Austin American-Statesman