Austin's Answer To Miami's Dave Barry?

Laugh-out-loud-funny. That was me at breakfast this AM when I read Austin humor columnist John Kelso's rant in the Austin fishwrap. All I know is that I'm a-headin' for Taylor as soon as possible. If this is (fair & balanced) porcine chauvinism, so be it.

[x Austin American-Statesman]
It's no longer Georgetown; it's Georgette-town
by John Kelso

GEORGETOWN — You know what drives me crazy about Georgetown?

It's that the Williamson County seat is obviously run by the women. It's gotten so bad that the statue of the Confederate soldier in front of the courthouse should be wearing a dress.

If you don't believe me, just take a look at the courthouse square.

It's just one chick gift shop after the other. Just about every business on the square hawks cutesy wares that only a woman would let in the house. This is a great place to come if you want to buy cutting boards, blown glass or scented soaps. In Georgetown, they don't have ozone action days. They have potpourri alert days.

I had some hope the other day when I heard that Georgetown had gotten its first liquor store near the square, a place called Vic's. But my hopes were dashed Thursday when I walked into the cigar humidor at Vic's and discovered the place sells a strawberry Phillies Blunt. Never trust a man who smokes a fruit cigar.

"I'll tell you what's really neat is these soap bonbons, if you've got any dry skin on you," said Doreen Franks, who works at Topaz, a gift shop on the square. "They go on like a wax, but they're moisturizer."

What you do is take one of these pieces of candy-sized pink soap bonbons, throw it in the tub and soak. When you come out, you'll smell like cotton candy. This is good if you want to draw ants.

There isn't a real beer joint in the city of Georgetown that I know of. But there are at least two businesses — one on the square, and one just off it — that have tea rooms. The Amoré Boutique carries a $10 beer coozie done in a black and white zebra design, with purple fuzzy stuff lining the top. Guys don't drink beer out of coozies ringed with purple fuzzy stuff. There is a restaurant called the Down the Alley Bistro. Down the Alley Beefstro I could go for.

It's gotten so bad that even Georgetown's director of economic development seems to have thrown his hands in the air.

"We have a really nice golf store over here in the next block, not that that's male-oriented," said Mark Thomas.

Praise the Lord for Berry Hardware on the square, perhaps the last bastion of maleness left, where wheelbarrows, hoes and rakes have been set on the sidewalk.

They were probably put out there by women to remind guys there's yardwork that needs doing.

Then there's Main Street Yoga, with clogging classes. Yoga's bad enough, but clogging? Clogging is like Riverdance for people who actually get in the river.

I just don't get it. Taylor, which shares the same county with Georgetown, doesn't have these problems. In Taylor, the guys are in charge. Taylor has beer joints and famous barbecue spots. When you drive into Taylor, you see business signs for guy things, like meat. Randy's Ice House has a sign out front that speaks of "Beer-Pool-Kegs" and shows drawings of a burger and a steak.

Back in Georgetown, it's a whole other story. Monica's 701 on the square sells escargots bourguignon for $9.95. Those, my friends, are French snails. They spray for those in Taylor.

Copyright © 2004 Austin American-Statesman