Don't Mess With John Kelso

John Kelso is a State treasure. His take on most things Austin or Texas is refreshingly warped. Kelso and Ben Sargent (the Pulitzer Prize-winning editorial cartoonist from Amarillo; graduate of Amarillo College) are the best things about the Austin fishwrap. Since my father was a cab driver for 40 years, I have a weak spot for cab driver stories. In line with Kelso's take on bumper sticker slogans, I saw one today that made me laugh out loud: Drive conservatives crazy: think for yourself. If this is a (fair & balanced) aphorism, so be it.

[x Austin fishwrap]
Hey, lawyers: Don't mess with Texas cabbies
by

John Kelso 

Now here's a case of the big guy messin' with the little guy.

South Austin cab driver Les Ross just got a cease-and-desist letter from a Texas Department of Transportation lawyer over his bumper sticker, "Don't Mess With Texas Women."

The Transportation Department, which is so big that its departmental listings take up 2 1/2 columns in the phone book, says it owns the rights to the slogan "Don't Mess With Texas," which it created for its anti-litter campaign in 1986 and had copyrighted four years ago.

"We do send cease-and-desist letters, which we are obligated to do to protect the logo," said Doris Howdeshell, the director of the department's travel division.

She said the department has sent out about 25 such letters. Among those coming under the department's guns were the University of Texas (for those "Don't Mess With Texas Longhorns" shirts) and Brake Check (for a TV ad).

"Good company; that's good to know. I ought to put a link on my page to Brake Check," said Les, who is a wiseguy. "I'd be glad to cease and desist, but I want a court order that I can frame, you know what I mean?"

Les lives in a "little shack" on West Live Oak Street in South Austin and drives for Yellow Cab. He also makes up bumper sticker slogans when the spirit moves him and sells the bumper stickers from his Web page (www.io. com/~bumper/bumper1. htm) and at various stores around town.

Les is probably most famous for his bumper sticker "Vote Republican. It's Easier Than Thinking." "If Musicians Were Rocket Scientists We'd Be on Pluto" and "South Austin: We're All Here 'Cause We're Not All There" also come to mind.

I'm curious about whether the department can claim the rights to "don't mess with." Those words were used before the department took them over. Remember the song "Don't Mess With Bill," the Motown classic written by Smokey Robinson?

I wonder if the Department of Transportation ever got a nasty letter from Bill or Bill's lawyer?

Remember "Remember the Maine?" Did the Maine ever get sued by the Alamo?

And why is the department messing with a cab driver? The department folks should feel complimented that a fine bumper sticker author such as Les is using their material.

"I don't know if this smells more like First Amendment or copyright infringement," said Les, who came up with the "Don't Mess With Texas Women" bumper sticker four or five years ago. He said he's had about 1,000 of them made up in the past couple of years. He also said that since he got into bumper stickers in the 1980s, he's made diddly on them.

"I'd say under $1,000," Les said. "Your average bum panhandles more than I've made off these things. It's a vanity thing. I just need the attention.

"I give most of 'em away," Les added. "Since this is not the same wording and not the same thought, I don't feel like I'm really violating their trademark copyright."

Which gives me an idea for another bumper sticker: Don't Mess With Texas Cabbies.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 512-445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.

Copyright © 2004 The Austin American-Statesman