For A Rant, Press 1. For A Rave, Press 2.

One of the joys of modern life is calling a toll-free number and listening to a menu read by a mechanical, but cheerful voice. The menu always changes frequently (according to the voice), so careful listening is essential. Evan Eisenberg has written the funniest parody of automated call system menus yet to see the light of day. If this is (fair & balanced) Luddism, so be it.

[x Slate]
Our Options Have Changed: To continue in jargon, press 1.
By Evan Eisenberg

Thank you for calling. To continue in jargon, press 1. Jos haluat jatkaa suomeksi, ole hyva ja paina 2.

Please listen closely to the following menus, as our options have changed. For technical support, press 1. For financial support, press 2. For support of the fleshy parts that jiggle during exercise, press 3. For emotional support, please hang up and call 888 HOT-LIVE.

Please note that we are currently experiencing temporary, localized service interruptions in Nome, Alaska*; Phoenix, Ariz.; Tijuana, Mexico; and all of North America east of the Rocky Mountains. If you live in one of these regions, please hang up and do not call back until we tell you. We appreciate your patience while our technicians ignore the problem.

If your appliance is less than 1 year old, press 1. If you are unmarried or are not sure, press 2.

In order to serve you better, it will be helpful for us to know which order you belong to. For Primates, press 1. For Cetacea and Proboscidea, press 2. For Jesuit or Dominican, press 3. For Knights Templar or Hospitaler, Knights of Pythias or Columbus, as well as Masons, Elks, and Kiwanis, or if you are unsure, press 4. If you are a Franciscan and have a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

Please key in the model and serial number of the product you are calling about. The model number is the series of 12 letters and digits that is visible when you push the unit away from the wall, work your head into the gap using a crowbar and No. 10 machine oil, and train a beam of ultraviolet light on the lower three centimeters of the right-hand rear surface of the appliance. If the model number is obscured by dust or cockroach detritus, wipe it with a soft, lint-free cloth soaked in a solution of ordinary rubbing alcohol, Kirschwasser, and formaldehyde. The serial number is the 37-digit number inscribed by means of laser nanotechnology on the underside of the unit and is not visible to the naked eye. When you have entered both numbers, press the pound key.

Note that at any point you may return to the previous menu by hanging up, calling again, and repeating the process until you reach the point just before the point you are at right now.

Please listen carefully to the following choices and select the one that best describes the problem you are calling about: If water is condensing on inner surfaces or leaking from under the door, press 1. If you are having trouble sending or receiving e-mail, press 2. If you are experiencing sharp, shooting pains in the left shoulder or a feeling of constriction in the chest, press 3. If you have lost your faith in a Supreme Being or any intelligible order in the universe and feel a desperate need for human contact, press 4. If you smell gas, press 5. To repeat this menu, press 6. To return to the previous menu or to a state of infantile bliss, press 7.

Please note that while you were listening to the previous menu, our options changed yet again. For Option 1, press 4. For Option 7, press 3. For Option 6, press 7. For Options 2 through 4, press 0 or hang up and call our Consumer Relations Department at (427) 555-9221. Long-distance charges may apply.

Most common problems can be resolved at home by following a simple sequence of diagnostic tests and procedures. We will now guide you through such a sequence. If you wish to skip this section, press 1, 3, and 9 simultaneously while restarting your telephone. Please note: If, while answering these questions, you see smoke or flames or if your chest is warm to the touch, hang up and call 911.

OK, let's get started.

Is the unit plugged in? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Is the power switch set to "on"? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Touch the condensation on the interior of the unit with your finger, then smell it. Does it smell like a dog that has been left out in the rain? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Unplug your modem, power down your computer, and mix yourself a stiff drink. Drink it. Now restart your computer and plug the modem back in. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

While holding down the control and option keys, crouch on the floor, making chugging and whistling sounds. Say, "I think I can, I think I can." Continue in this manner for five minutes. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

Do you attend a church, synagogue, mosque, tabernacle, or other house of worship regularly (that is, three times a month or more)? If yes, press 1. If no, better press 1 anyway.

While remaining on this phone, use your cellular phone to call an old friend whom you haven't seen in years. Tell him or her that you've really missed him or her, and that if he or she has a problem he or she needs to talk about, you will be happy to lend a sympathetic ear. Did this resolve the problem? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

The diagnostic and self-help procedure is now complete. If the problem has been resolved, press 1. If the problem has been cleared up, press 2. If the problem no longer seems worth bothering with, press 3.

Thank you for calling. Goodbye.

Evan Eisenberg is the author of The Ecology of Eden and The Recording Angel, which will be reissued next spring in an expanded edition.