One Sorry Test

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Copyright © 2004 The Philadelphia Inquirer 

W couldn't 'fess up to a mistake. The Trickster went to his grave without ever apologizing for violating his oath of office. This a pretty sorry topic. If this is (fair & balanced) condonation, so be it.

[x {Philadelphia Inquirer]
Americans hate to apologize? Who can blame us?
By Alfred Lubrano

Yeah, you blew it.

You forgot the 2 p.m. meeting, you snapped at your honey, you ate the last doughnut.

So now it's time to say you're sorry.

Apologies are tricky things, though, and not everyone can dance the mea culpa. In a culture better at blame than contrition, sorry is, as Sir Elton John informs us, the hardest word.

"A general rule," says Denver psychologist and apology expert Susan Heitler, "is that the more mature somebody is, the more likely they are to say they're sorry."

Odd as it sounds, men may apologize to their spouses more often than women do, according to a recent survey by the Princeton-based Opinion Research Corp. The study is part of a publicity campaign to mark the 70th anniversary of the Parker Brothers game Sorry!

According to the survey, when asked whom they say sorry to most often, 56 percent of men said their wives. Just 41 percent of wives, on the other hand, said they apologize most to their husbands.

What are they sorry about? Well, fairly innocuous things, really: leaving a mess, forgetting to take out the trash, missing dinner and drinking from the milk carton. (If guys want to be forgiven for, say, stepping out with their secretaries, they haven't shared it with surveyors.)

Can it be that men, socialized to hunt and eat the tiger on the savannah, are superior apologizers to women, who are culturally programmed to accommodate and appease?

"This survey does not jibe with what I know about men at all," says Beverly Engel, a California marriage-family therapist and author of The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships (2001, John Wiley & Sons).

"Men have a very difficult time apologizing. They're supposed to be tough and are encouraged not to admit mistakes. And women tend to over-apologize," Engel says.

Yes, indeed, reports Cathy Knittweis, a 63-year-old retired nurse from Collings Lakes, in Atlantic County, N.J.

"I always apologize more than my husband," she says. "I don't really always mean it, but I'd rather apologize than have that feeling of us not talking to each other for a day or so."

In the frosty aftermath of an argument, only an apology can thaw the mood and warm the house.

"Apologies are powerful because they humble us before the other person," Engel says. "In a relationship, an apology makes the person being apologized to feel vindicated, and heard. And the couple will feel closer, and safer with each other."

Unfortunately, that same kind of vulnerability can be trouble in the corporate world, where apologies can be seen as weakness by hungry colleagues eyeing your corner office.

"Business is so cutthroat," Engel continues, "humbling yourself before a colleague is not a good idea."

The same is true in politics. Reporters practically did backflips trying to get President Bush to say whether he made any mistakes during his first term. The President just smiled and said he couldn't think of a thing to apologize for. Apparently, he was just being a typical American.

Obfuscation and non-acknowledgment of responsibility are simply part of our way of life, thanks to our legal system, psychologist Heitler says. "If you acknowledge a mistake, you're more likely to be punished," she adds.

Jonathan Cohen, a law professor at the University of Florida, agrees: "Our first instinct is to cover up." That's a sharp contrast to Asian nations, in which admitting mistakes is seen as a paramount virtue.

For decades, Cohen says, lawyers have advised their clients to shut up and never apologize, no matter how obvious their culpability was. Dollars were on the line.

That way of thinking appears to be changing, however. Within the last year, for example, five states (Pennsylvania and New Jersey not among them) have enacted laws that say that if a doctor makes a mistake and says he's sorry to a patient or his family, the apology cannot be used against him in court.

Similarly, more attorneys for corporations and universities are advising apologies after big mistakes are made, says Jennifer Robbennolt, a legal-apology expert at the University of Missouri.

Are lawyers suddenly growing hearts and sprouting consciences? Not necessarily. Apologies can stem lawsuits, or encourage settlements for smaller amounts, Robbennolt says.

In criminal cases, the trend is for prosecutors and defense attorneys to seek so-called restorative justice, in which perpetrators apologize to their victims, says Stephanos Bibas, a University of Iowa scholar of apology in criminal law.

Apparently, people want to hear that someone is sorry for their pain or loss. Of course, a good apology has to be sincere. Mumbling weak regrets just won't cut it.

The best apology, the pros say, includes conveying a sense of remorse; a sense of responsibility and acceptance of blame; and a willingness to never repeat the action that caused the hurt.

Ultimately, apologies keep relationships healthy, despite what Ali MacGraw tells Ryan O'Neal in Love Story.

We apologize for reminding you of the most famous - and the lamest - statement about apologies: "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Sorry.

Alfred Lubrano writes for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

© 2004 Philadelphia Inquirer and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.


Quiz Answers

A-11. Olympic swimming gold-medalist Michael Phelps, after his arrest earlier this month for drunken driving.

B-3. Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh's response to the uproar over his comments regarding the Eagles' Donovan McNabb being overrated because the media want to see a black quarterback succeed.

C-8. President George H.W. Bush in 1990, regarding the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II.

D-4. The Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, after saying in September he would kill any gay man who looked at him romantically.

E-7. President Bill Clinton, apologizing for the Monica Lewinsky scandal in December 1998.

F-5. Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott, after making allegedly racist remarks in December 2002.

G-1. Kobe Bryant, in a statement read by his attorney in September, regarding the basketball star's alleged rape of a Colorado woman.

H-6. Janet Jackson, after a wardrobe malfunction revealed the pop star's breast at the Super Bowl in February.

I-2. Comic Roseanne, after grabbing her crotch and screeching the national anthem at a baseball game in San Diego in 1990.

J-9. Amy Fisher, "the Long Island Lolita," apologizing to Mary Jo Buttafuoco for shooting her in the face.

K-10. Dr. J, apologizing to fans in 1977 after the Sixers lost to the Portland Trail Blazers in the NBA Finals.

© 2004 Philadelphia Inquirer and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.