Texas Leads The Nation In Dumbass

John Kelso, humor columnist in the Austin fishwrap, nails Mrs. Terri Leo on the head. However, she's dumber than a nail, so it wouldn't hurt her. Warren Chisum, State Representative from Pampa, TX is Leo's Republican soulmate. They ought to be married in another life: Dumb and Dumber. If this is (fair & balanced) satire, so be it.

[x Austin American-Statesman]
Marriage needs a lot more explainin' than just saying it's "man and wife"
by John Kelso

If you're a redneck, textbooks that say marriage has to be between a man and a woman may seem like a step up. But they're incomplete because they don't tell our youth about the things that come between a man and a woman.

Like deer-hunting season, for example. Every November, deer season comes between a man and a woman. But the textbooks conveniently ignore this. Why?

Either way, it sure looks like everybody and his brother is doing everything except squirt guys with fire hoses to keep guys from getting hitched to one another — instead of to Erlene.

Take Terri Leo, a Republican member of the State Board of Education from Spring. She got her bloomers in a bundle when she discovered that some middle school health textbooks described heads of families with such words as "couples" and "adults." See, "couples" or "adults" could mean Fred and George.

Or, come to think of it, Bitsy and Fifi.

So, to keep Leo happy and to get board approval, Holt, Rinehart and Winston, the publisher of the textbooks, changed the wording to say that marriage can only be between a man and a woman.

Then there's state Rep. Warren Chisum, R-Pampa, who has called for a constitutional amendment saying marriage in Texas has to be between a man and a woman — even though state law already says that.

Is this really necessary? I have a hard time imagining the country club up in Pampa being overbooked for nuptials because of all the guy romances starting up out in the feedlot.

I can sort of see where these people are coming from because, well, you know how guys are when they get together and the problems that can lead to, when you don't have a woman around to lay down the law. Two guys get married and instead of yard work, being guys, they just want to go out to the lake and drown some worms. And pretty soon the front yard looks like hell's half acre.

Also, if two guys get married, there's nobody around the house to say, "We need to talk," or, "I thought we already had this discussion," which, as everyone knows, is a key element to any successful marriage.

What bugs me about changing textbooks to say that marriage has to be between a man and a woman is that that's as far it goes. There are a lot of other things in a marriage between a man and a woman that the textbooks ignore.

Like attorneys. Sometimes when people get married, attorneys come between a man and a woman. And shortly after the attorneys come between a man and a woman, who gets to keep the big-screen TV and who gets to drive off in the new BMW come between a man and a woman.

Then there's the remote, which comes between a man and a woman, especially when figure skating is on.

One line that often comes between a man and a woman on Sunday afternoons? How about, "There's still plenty of football left to be played?" I mean, that one always honks her horn.

So if we want our textbooks to be accurate, I figure we ought to poke some of this crucial marital information in there — whether Eddie marries Ernie or not.

Copyright © 2004 The Austin American-Statesman