2005: This Is The Year That Will Be (According To David Whitley)

There must be something in Florida drinking water. On the same day, I read wonderful takes on both 2004 and 2005 by a pair of Florida columnists. If this is a (fair & balanced) prognosis, so be it.

[x Orlando Sentinel]
2005 should have plenty of wackiness in store
by David Whitley

One word summed up 2004 -- clueless.

From Barry Bonds to Janet Jackson to Dan Rather, many of the year's biggest newsmakers claimed to be unaware of their pharmaceuticals, their wardrobes and their facts.

We predict more of the same in 2005. And after five years of this psychic routine, we must predict we won't be nearly as clueless.

This exercise began as a holiday lark, but a shocking thing happened. Many of our lamest jokes came true.

Not to brag, but we predicted the Bucs would win a Super Bowl. We were sticking needles in BALCO long before Bonds claimed he didn't know how he developed 30-inch biceps.

We clued you in on Kobe's marital troubles before he divorced Shaq, and warned you that Latrell Sprewell could not feed his family on $14 million a year. We would have nailed the winner of the Triple Crown, then the Swiftboat Vets claimed Smarty Jones never served in Vietnam.

Yes, our annual prediction that Hillary Clinton will give birth to an alien has yet to come true, though we're confident Rather will break the story any day now.

In other words, we tried to be more clueless than Jessica Simpson. Now we are seriously considering a second career as a palm reader or a TV weatherman.

So without further ado, or Freddy Adu, it's again time to peer into the future. If we appear clueless, remember that's what they said before we predicted the Red Sox would win the Little League World Series.

JANUARY

Terrell Owens valiantly cuts off his leg cast and limps onto the field to dance in the end zone after the Eagles win the NFC title.

In the 17th straight ESPN Sunday Conversation about the Lakers' breakup, Kobe apologizes for telling Colorado police that Shaq taught him how to "order room service."

BCS computers melt down after Auburn, Oklahoma, Utah and Harvard finish unbeaten, causing The Associated Press to announce its voters will not participate in Iraq's election.

Determined to get revenge on Boston, the Yankees sign Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado, trade for Randy Johnson and Albert Pujols and install Ted Williams' cryogenic tube in center field.

As LSU Coach Nick Saban mulls taking the Dolphins job, LSU fires 10 professors and offers to give their salaries to the football coach.

FEBRUARY

The NFL cancels the Super Bowl when it discovers the game really is in Jacksonville.

Barry Bonds wins the Daytona 500 by 493 miles while driving the BALCO car. He attributes the win to the gasoline his personal trainer gave him.

Punxsutawney Phil climbs out of his groundhog hole, sees Latrell Sprewell's shadow and ducks back underground before a starving Sprewell tries to eat him.

Spring training opens under new steroid-testing rules, half the players show up looking like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

In a paperwork mixup, Baltimore tailback Jamal Lewis gets a prison transfer for the duration of his off-season sentence. His new cellmate, Martha Stewart, forces him to start wearing an apron and high heels.

MARCH

In a Sunday Conversation, Kobe accuses Karl Malone of hitting on Amber Frey.

In his farewell appearance on the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather reports the discovery of documents indicating Peter Jennings is a woman.

Sensing his team still isn't tough enough for the playoff run, Magic General Manager John Weisbrod signs point guard Roy Jones Jr.

The NHL lockout enters its 200th day. In a poll asking who's to blame, 94 percent of Americans say they don't care as long as it keeps up.

As its coach further ponders the Dolphins' job, LSU offers to change its letters to NSU for Nick Saban University.

APRIL

A day before the drug trial opens, Ricky Williams' lawyer quits to go smoke pot and find the meaning of life in a Tibetan monastery. "I would never bail out on my team at the last minute," Williams says. "Now where's my bong?"

A skinny guy wins the Boston Marathon.

Martha Burk shows up at a Hardee's in Augusta, Ga., to protest the fact women are not allowed in the men's room.

In jury selection at the Baghdad Municipal Courthouse, Saddam Hussein's lawyer enters a motion to have the trial moved to Los Angeles so he can empanel the O.J. jury.

MAY

Barry Bonds wins the Kentucky Derby by 67 lengths. He attributes the win to the oats his personal trainer gave him.

Minnesota makes a final offer of $10 million a year to Latrell Sprewell, who says he would have to put three of his children up for adoption if he re-signed with the Timberwolves.

Frustrated after the Garnett team ties the Gold 0-0 in FSU's spring football game, Bobby Bowden announces Ann Bowden will be the Seminoles' new offensive coordinator.

Homeland Security raises the terror alert to red after the Pacers and Pistons qualify for the NBA Eastern Conference finals.

JUNE

Instead of the NBA Finals between the Kings and Pacers, ABC telecasts a reality show putting Kobe and Shaq on a desert island with only one basketball between them.

Babe Ruth's ancestors refuse an invitation to attend the game when Barry Bonds hits his 715th home run. In their place, baseball invites Victor Conte, Ben Johnson, Tony Mandarich and the surviving members of 1976 East German women's swimming team.

Dan Rather announces he's coming out of retirement after uncovering documents showing he was actually born in 1982.

With Boston holding a 12-game lead over his Yanks, George Steinbrenner hires Victor Conte as team pharmacist.

JULY

The Bucs open training camp at Disney's Wide World of Sports. In their first scrimmage, they blow a fourth-quarter lead to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

The WNBA fan strike enters its 3,294th day.

Barry Bonds wins the Tour de France by 19 days. He attributes the win to the clear French wine his personal trainer gave him.

Nick Saban agrees to stay at LSU after the university offers to stop teaching classes in order to devote all its time to joining the NFL.

Ron Artest is arrested after attacking a man who allegedly threw rice on him at his wedding.

AUGUST

Displeased with the direction of the football program, Notre Dame fires Charlie Weis after three practices.

In a scandalous wardrobe malfunction, a Budweiser patch falls off Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s driving suit after he wins the Talladega 500. Junior inadvertently blurts "dad gummit," prompting NASCAR to dock him 500 Nextel Cup points.

Sparked by the founder's loss of 60 pounds in 18 short months, the Jason Giambi Weight Loss Clinics open across America.

Determined to instill discipline early, Florida Coach Urban Meyer makes his team run stadium steps until every player tosses his cookies. Except Taurean Charles, who tosses a keg.

SEPTEMBER

After UCF beats South Carolina in the season opener, Steve Spurrier petitions the NCAA to get Danny Wuerffel another four years of eligibility.

Desperate to catch the streaking Red Sox, George Steinbrenner buys Massachusetts and declares anyone caught playing baseball will be deported to Iceland

During Rush Week at the University of Illinois, Ron Zook pledges at the Delta house and is given the name "Flounder."

Concerned over the plight of starving children in Minnesota, Jerry Lewis hosts The Latrell Sprewell Labor Day Telethon.

Even though it's an off year, the U.S. still manages to lose another Ryder Cup.

OCTOBER

The Red Sox lose Game 7 of the World Series when Johnny Damon gets his hair snagged on third base while trying to score in the bottom of the ninth.

In another high-profile wardrobe malfunction, Spongebob puts on rectangular pants.

After a bad case of the munchies forces him to wipe out the Big Mac supply, Ricky Williams is fired from his job at a McDonald's drive-through in Petaluma, Calif.

Desperate to boost Monday Night Football ratings, ABC has John Madden do an entire broadcast wearing only Nicollette Sheridan's towel.

Dan Rather reports that the Devil Rays won the World Series.

NOVEMBER

After his kicker is injured, Steve Spurrier sneaks onto the field and boots a 40-yard field goal to give South Carolina a 30-27 win over Florida.

Investigators discover documents in Iraq that show Warren Sapp received $2 billion worth of chocolate eclairs in the U.N.'s Oil-for-Food program.

ESPN unveils its latest movie Gone With the Wins, The Story of Shaq & Kobe, starring Snoop Dogg as Kobe Bryant and Barry Pepper as Shaquille O'Neal.

On the day China declares war on Russia and Orlando is awarded the 2016 Olympics, local stations devote 27 minutes of their 6 p.m. newscasts to team coverage of a thunderstorm spotted near Bithlo.

The Florida High School Athletic Association admits that high school wrestling is fake.

DECEMBER

In a 20/20 exclusive, Victor Conte claims he gave Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings human geek hormone.

Seventeen Division 1 teams finish unbeaten, prompting college presidents to say the winner of the national championship will be picked by Donald Trump.

The American Civil Liberties Union files suit demanding that Christian Laettner must change his name to Fred so it won't offend atheists, Muslims or Klingons during the holiday.

Hillary Clinton delivers an alien baby who immediately hits 73 home runs for the Giants. Clinton attributes it to the baby formula Barry Bonds' trainer gave her.

David Whitley writes sports commentary for the Orlando Sentinel.

Copyright © 2004 Orlando Sentinel