John Kelso's Message To Blue Kids: Fuhgetaboutit!

Kelso was right on target in this AM's column. Blue kids don't even get a sack of coal or a birch switch this year. If this is (fair & balanced) humbuggery, so be it.


Copyright © 2004 Joseph Farris and the Chronicle of Higher Education
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[x Austin Fishwrap]
Santa's red suit means blue kids get shaft
by John Kelso

Ever noticed how Santa wears a red suit, Rudolph has a red nose and the red stockings hanging from the chimney with care mean that Dick Cheney (I mean, Santa) soon will be there?

You know what all this red stuff means, don't you? It means Santa is a big old fat, nasty, red-state, pantywaist, liberal-hating Republican. So you blue-state kids aren't going to get squat for Christmas this year.

So how do you know you're a blue kid and you're getting the shaft this holiday season? Here are some clues:

Does your daddy think Santa's elves should receive full health coverage and a living wage?

Since the presidential election, is Daddy always saying things to Mommy like, "Vancouver's lookin' better all the time. Get the parkas out of the closet"?

And, finally, does Daddy think it's not such a bad thing if two guys named Bud and Ernie have a wedding gift registry at Crate and Barrel?

If that's you, kid, don't bother to leave out any pie, 'cause Santa ain't comin' to your town.

It's like Donald Rumsfeld said. Sometimes you have to go into the holidays with the gifts you get, not with the gifts you asked for.

Now, in the good old days before the country became so politically divided and it wasn't all about blue folks and red folks, kids got presents from Santa based on whether they were bad or good. But that's changed. Now, it's whether you're blue or red.

If you're a red kid, you're in high cotton. Santa is going to drop off all kinds of high-dollar goodies from Neiman Marcus. If you're a red kid, your wealthy daddy is getting a big fat tax break from President Bush.

But if you're a blue kid, and your mommy and daddy still haven't scraped that John Kerry sticker off their stinky little Toyota, you're not going to get jack. Sorry.

Still not sure whether you're a blue kid and it's going to be a lousy Christmas? Here are some more tips.

Has your daddy, in a fit of pique, ever pointed out that Ann Coulter must really be a guy because she has such a large Adam's apple?

Does Daddy think Santa should be allowed to sue the pants off a corporation if Santa gets stuck in the corporation's chimney and suffers a lower back injury?

Those reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh: Does Daddy think they're being mistreated and that PETA should release them into the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to stop the drilling?

Does Daddy think he should be allowed to buy prescription drugs in Canada because they're the same darned pills you can buy here but a lot cheaper?

When Daddy is watching Fox News, does he make funny jokes about Bill O'Reilly talking dirty on the telephone?

When Daddy parks his Kia, does he ever talk about keying the SUV next to him?

Does Daddy enjoy listening to Al Franken?

Does Daddy think the Bush girls should go to Fort Hood and learn how to operate a Bradley Fighting Vehicle?

If that's your dad, kids, well, too darned bad for you, because Red Santa ain't stoppin' at your house this season. Can you say humbug?

Copyright © 2004 Austin American-Statesman