John Kelso's Not Juiced And Neither Am I!

I once had a history class from hell. Three of the students were 18-20 Caucasian males. All three were muscular and hostile. I had one confrontation after another with each of the three. Sometimes, I had to deal with all three at once. Up to that point, I had never had a discipline problem like this in a college classroom in Moline, IL, Lubbock, TX, or Amarillo, TX. It was after this experience that I adopted a policy of zero-tolerance for such behavior. Thereafter, at the first incidence of hostile, disruptive behavior, I invited the perpetrator (perp) out into the hallway and closed the classroom door. I told the perp that it was going to be my way or the highway. Sometimes the perp refused to leave his/her (Yes, this behavior knew no gender-barrier.) seat. At that point, I informed the perp that I was stepping out to call the Kampus Kops (Law enforcement officers at the Collegium Excellens were armed and dangerous.) to have the perp removed from the classroom by force, if necessary. By the end of my time at the Collegium Excellens, I was routinely throwing disruptive students out of class. I even dismissed entire classes. I was a victim of chemical abuse. If the perps weren't juiced and 'roid-raged, they were on some other psychoactive substance. The High Poo Bahs at the Collegium Excellens pretended—ostrich-like—that it was business as usual in 2004. However, when I read John Kelso's column this AM, I laughed out loud. If this is a (fair & balanced) delusion, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Steroid use? With this body? Ha!
by John Kelso


John Kelso interprets 30% body fat to mean that he's 70% ripped!
Copyright © 2004 Austin American-Statesman
[Click on image to enlarge.] 

Despite any speculation to the contrary, let me set the record straight and tell you people I am NOT taking any performance-enhancing drugs.

Oh, I realize there may be some suspicion about this because of my picture that runs with this column. As buff and, uh, Speedo-ready as I look in this photo, it may appear that I have been using 'roids and am about to fly into a 'roid rage.

What are you lookin' at?

But, unlike New York Yankee slugger Jason Giambi, who shook up the major-league baseball world

by admitting to a federal grand jury that he used performance-enhancing steroids, I've never touched the stuff.

Giambi said he used substances called "the clear" and "the cream." I have never messed with either. Although on occasion I have used a substance called "the bock." As in Shiner Bock. But I wouldn't necessarily refer to "the bock" as "performance-enhancing." On the other hand, if you drink enough of them you'll think you're a genius.

And, speaking of geniuses, there's San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds, who testified that he used substances but didn't know they were steroids. What'd he think they were? Suntan oil? Geez. You'd think a guy who can see the ball as well as Bonds can would have noticed all those knots popping out on his neck.

Me, though, I'm clean, despite my rugged good looks. I do have the occasional double cappuccino at Jo's Coffee on South Congress.

You'll probably be a little wary about my claim of never using steroids when I tell you that I am only 30 percent body fat.

The other day when I went into the gym for one of my three or four workouts per week, I had my body fat percentage checked. The young gal trainer doing the checking told me that 30 percent of my body was fat.

Sadly, she didn't say which part.

She did say, however, that 30 percent body fat and up is considered obese. You know what this really means? I'm 70 percent ripped.

I don't understand these stupid baseball players risking their lives by taking steroids just to make a few more million dollars for hitting home runs. I love money just like the next guy. But look at it this way: Dead guys don't hit no home runs.

So even if they had a steroid that helped you tell funnier jokes and use larger words, I wouldn't take it. Life's too short.

Giambi admitted he injected human growth hormone into his stomach and testosterone into his buttocks. You wouldn't catch me doing that. Honestly, do these buttocks look like they need help? Don't answer that.

And I don't need to inject a human growth hormone into my stomach to make it grow. Ever since I hit 50, my stomach has been growing plenty fast without any extra assistance.

I already wear 42-inch pants. But I didn't use "the cream." Although I did use Blue Bell ice cream.

So take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd. But don't expect me, no matter how svelte I look in my photo, to be taking any performance-enhancing drugs. Hey, I don't want to be taken out on a stretcher.

John Kelso is Oklahoma-born, New England-raised, and a graduate of the University of Missouri School of Journalism. Kelso will poke fun at just about anybody or anything. He has a way of adding a twist to an already ridiculous situation. He shows us how to laugh at ourselves. He's an interesting guy who probably doesn't take himself as seriously as others sometimes do. "I try not to pick favorites. I don't have any sacred cows. That helps because people don't get the idea that you're picking on them because you're poking fun at others too. I try to maintain some objectivity." But he admits, "I'm an equal opportunity insulter." Kelso's column appears in the Austin fishwrap three times per week: Sundays, Turesdays, and Fridays.

Copyright © 2004 Austin American-Statesman