John Kelso Is (Laugh Out Loud) Funny Today!

As I slouch off toward Medicare (minus one) on my natal day, John Kelso the humor columnist in the Austin daily gave me a present. The same folks who paid $40K for the new Georgetown brand ("Sincerely Yours") hatched a scheme to lure the students of the local Methodist-related liberal arts college downtown to became entranced with the charm of the courthouse square. The festival was a flop and Kelso knows why. The students at Southestern University (alma mater of the Little Giant, John Tower) want to go to south to Gommorah (Austin). Southwestern students want to experience the same delights that got the Bush twins busted for underage drinking (with fake IDs, no less). Kelso finds Georgetown pretentious and foolish and so do I. Kelso also skewers Geezer City, where I live. If this is (fair & balanced) debunking, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Georgetown: the new hot spot for spring break?
by John Kelso

I about choked on my Cheerios on Monday morning when I read in this newspaper that Georgetown wants to be thought of as a fun city for college students.

Since when? Georgetown: the new Rio on the San Gabriel. This strikes me as something that comes under the category of ain't likely to happen anytime soon.

When you think of dancing girls in Georgetown, you think of either clogging or knee injuries. Georgetown just isn't a party town. OK, so there are two parties in Georgetown: Republican and Tupperware.

Which is one of the comforting things about visiting Georgetown: not many rowdy college students to deal with. If you hear somebody chanting "drink, drink, drink" in Georgetown, it's probably a nurse and has something to do with Milk of Magnesia.

Still, in a misplaced effort to get the kids from Georgetown's Southwestern University to spend their money there rather than running off to Austin to raise hell, last fall Georgetown held an outdoor party on the historic town square.

The party, put on by the Downtown Georgetown Association and Southwestern officials, was called "Pirates of the Square-ibbean." About 300 kids showed up. Georgetown, want a bigger college crowd? Get a keg.

If you were a college kid, would you attend an event that has the word "square" in the title? Why did Georgetown use "square" to try to attract college kids to a party? Was "dork" taken? If you were a college kid, would you spend more than 15 seconds in an area known as historic?

The French Legation in Austin is historic. The people in Georgetown's Sun City Texas are historic. When college kids come to Austin from Georgetown to party, they don't go to places labeled "historic" because they can't find gin there. You never see anybody facedown on the floor at a place known as historic.

If Georgetown wants to be a fun place, it will have to lose its image as a snoratorium and make some significant changes -- like putting in more bars.

Part of the reason Georgetown isn't a college party town is the way people look at things up there. To University of Texas students, a meat market is a hangout on Sixth Street. In Georgetown, a meat market has a sale on hamburger.

Other than the county jail, is there a place in Georgetown to get a tattoo? "Oh, wow, that's a good question. I doubt it seriously," said Shelly Hargrove, Georgetown's tourism director. "I don't think I've even seen a tattoo parlor in Georgetown, much less Williamson County."

Does Georgetown have a head shop, like a Planet K? "I don't think there's anything like that," Hargrove said. "If you want to stay out till 3 you're going to have to be creative or go to Austin."

OK, then, so how about a wet T-shirt contest? Has Georgetown ever had one? "Hah hah hah. No comment on that," Hargrove said. "I would not even want to go there."

I wouldn't want to go to a wet T-shirt contest in Georgetown, either, because you know it would get raided.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 512-445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.

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