Great Minds Work Alike? Kelso Discovers The Wisconsin Cat Hunt Long After (F&B) R&R!

Sigh. John Kelso's column in today's Austin fishwrap was so yesterday. This column on the proposed feral cat hunting season in America's Dairyland was a little late. (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves provided two different perspectives on the latest Wisconsin wackiness earlier this week. Kelso, a cat owner (a contradiction in terms?), tries to make funny about the current Big Issue for Cheeseheads. Sorry, Kelso, you're way behind the curve on Wisconsin's feral cats. On fact, the Cheeseheads ought to dump Bucky Badger as an icon and logo. Wisconsin needs Freddy Feral Feline as the state symbol. That way, the Wisconsin faithful could chant at UW athletic events: "F You!" If this is (fair & balanced) blogogoguery, so be it.


[x Austin American-Statesman]
Whole new meaning for cat in a bag
by John Kelso

As the owner of house cats named Oreo, Bitsy and Scooter, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm an advocate of blowing away house cats like they were elk or something.

Still, a proposal in Wisconsin that would allow hunters to bag cats brings up some interesting questions. Such as, if you bag a house cat, should you throw it over the hood of your truck like an eight-point buck?

A proposal approved at the spring hearings of the Wisconsin Conservation Congress, a citizens' advisory group, would let licensed hunters kill free-roaming cats. This would include any domestic cat that isn't under the owner's direct control or isn't wearing a collar.

Tell me this: Have you ever seen a house cat under the owner's direct control that wasn't drugged or in a box?

When it comes to home design, this cat-hunting thing could be problematic. Think of a hunter's den wall that has a deer head mounted on it. Now imagine the wall decorated with a tiny, fuzzy head with a plaque that says "Fluffy."

The good thing about this is that you take three or four deer heads and your wall space is all ate up. But with cats, heck, you could squeeze 50 to 60 heads up there and still have room for a terrier mix.

Not that Wisconsin has legalized dog hunting. Heck, it hasn't even legalized shooting cats yet. Although Wisconsin outdoorsy types supported the idea by a vote of 6,830 to 5,201, it would have to get through the Legislature. And I doubt that will happen.

Still, think of the side products you could come up with if you allowed hunters to shoot, say, a bag limit of 10 cats each fall. Sure, you couldn't have a catskin rug, as with a bear, because a stringer of 10 cats isn't really big enough for a rug.

But you could have cat coasters, cat beer coozies, cat hand warmers, and cat golf club covers. You could even have cat mouse pads, though they would be kind of difficult to operate because the mouse would keep getting stuck in the fur.

Come to think of it, I have prime cat habitat in my garage. I should get me a pith helmet and start up Meow Outfitters for cat safaris.

Think of all the furniture that wouldn't have been clawed to shreds if house cat hunting had been legalized, say, 100 years ago. There's a certain synergy here. The clod who would bag your cat is the same goober who would pick up the couch your cat tore up, if you left it in front of your house on bulky trash pickup day.

There are many details that need to be worked out, though, before we allow hunters to thin the cat herd. Is a thirty-ought-six too big a gun to use on a Siamese? Would it be OK to hunt for cats by using a ball of string, or would that be considered entrapment? Would cat hunters sit all day in cat blinds, with cans of Fancy Feast set out, and wait for cats to come by so they could plug 'em?

If you had a cat stuffed, in what position would it be taxidermied? Backing up to a chair and spraying? And what about catcalls? Would there be a catcall available in sporting goods stores that makes a "Here, Kitty Kitty" sound when you blow into it? And should you wear camo when hunting for cats?

Or would that be overkill?

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