My Brother Is An Only Child

I am an only child. Always have been, always will be. G. Stanley Hall may have been thinking of me when he proclaimed that being an only child was a disease. Hall also gave us the concept of adolescence as a life-stage. What a guy! If this is (fair & balanced) self-disclosure, so be it.


[x Austin Fishwrap]
About 20 percent of U.S. children younger than 18 had no siblings at home in 2003, according to Census Bureau; the trend is chipping away at the stigma
By Michele M. Melendez — Newhouse News Service

Maria Mason and Paul Schierhorn put off parenthood in order to be financially poised and emotionally prepared. When the time came for the New Orleans couple, she was 39. He was 44.

Nine years later, their boy, Will, remains their one and only.

They are among the growing numbers of American families that have stopped at one child -- a trend observers predict will ease the long-standing view of such households as incomplete.

For generations, one-child families have gotten a bad rap. Prominent psychologist G. Stanley Hall declared around the turn of the 20th century that being an only child was a disease, stoked by permissive parents.

But research suggests otherwise.

"Only children tend to be higher achievers," said Steven Mintz, history professor at the University of Houston and author of Huck's Raft: A History of American Childhood. "They get along fine with their peers. They aren't spoiled or lonely or aloof."

According to Census Bureau data from 2003, about 20 percent of U.S. children under age 18 had no siblings at home.

The country's birth rate has been deflating since at least 1960, with small bounces through the years. Meanwhile, a greater proportion of women have their first children at later ages, when declining fertility makes it less likely they will have more.

From 1970 to 2003, the birth rate of first children among mothers 40 to 44 quintupled, from 0.4 to two births per 1,000 women, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. For women 20 to 24, the rate fell, from 78.2 to 48.3.

With couples delaying marriage and childbirth and mothers remaining in the workforce in large numbers, single-child families are becoming more common, said Susan Newman, a Metuchen, N.J., psychologist and author of Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only.

"The sheer numbers are forcing the stigmas away," Newman said. "The studies are invalidating the stigmas."

Mason, 49, and Schierhorn, 53, who teach acting at Tulane University, know the stereotypes. They constantly ask themselves if they're setting the right limits, helping their 9-year-old too much or too little.

Schierhorn recalls Will learning to tie his shoes: "You have to get out of the house, (but) it takes the kid 20 minutes," he said with a laugh. Yet he stood back, because Will needed to conquer his own laces.

That's the right strategy, family counselors say.

"You can't attend to every need of the child," said Thomas Haller, co-author of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose and a Bay City, Mich., therapist. "With an only child, sometimes the parents move in and rescue them too soon, rescue them too much."

Knowing the traps can help.

Carolyn White, editor of Los Angeles-based Only Child magazine, lists several in her book, The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child: A Guide for Parents and Families: overindulgence, overprotection, failure to discipline, overcompensation, seeking perfection, treating the child like an adult, overpraising.

"When you have only one, you think, 'This is my first and last chance with everything,' " White said.

Sometimes, Joe Klemmer, 42, of Dale City, Va., thinks he's overprotective because his son, Joseph, 8, is his only child, though Klemmer suspects he would guard a larger family as closely: "Nothing is more important for me than Joseph."

He cares for Joseph during the school year and alternates weekends with his ex-wife. Joseph does well at school, has lots of friends and is an overall good kid, but occasionally Klemmer notices that he is used to getting what he wants.

"I know that he is spoiled -- not spoiled rotten, but spoiled," said Klemmer, who battles the chronic pain of fibromyalgia. "He knows he can wear me down, because I don't have much energy."

Klemmer grew up with two brothers and two sisters and sometimes wishes Joseph could experience having siblings.

That's a common theme.

Naomi Pardue of Bloomington, Ind., went through two years of pricey fertility treatments to become a mother. She and her husband, Randy -- both are 44 -- had envisioned having two, maybe three, kids. But they knew it would be expensive, and were overjoyed with their girl, Shaina.

A smaller family also meant a less drastic change to their pre-baby lifestyle. "It gives me more time for me," Pardue said. "I find it hard enough to juggle her schedule, my schedule and my husband's schedule."

Shaina, 13, accepts her only-child status, but admits, "I've always kind of wanted siblings, because I live in a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of kids." Since an early age, she said, "I was kind of on my own. I learned how to do things I could do by myself."

Parental advisers say children without siblings need relationships with peers.

"Some of these kids inside feel really lonely, because they don't have anyone to share with," said Erik Fisher, an Atlanta area psychologist who counsels families.

Fisher said parents should expose the young child to other children -- with play dates, for example -- without taking over the child's schedule.

Mason finds ample opportunity to connect with other mothers in New Orleans. She has found them on a ticket line, in a clothing store, in a museum and during other outings. Will is the beneficiary.

"I was very focused on creating stimulus and setting up play dates from an early age on," she said.

Will, for his part, has been attracted to guitar lessons, learning to perform circus skills and playing baseball on a team his dad coaches. When he's at home, he reads, climbs his favorite tree and explores rocks, pebbles and leaves.

Does he think he's spoiled?

"Yes and no. . . . My parents buy me too much," Will said, with his mother laughing in the background. But, he added, "I'm smothered in love."

National correspondent Michele M. Melendez joined Newhouse News Service in 2000 to cover generational issues. Her beat spans old and young, pop culture and politics, family relationships and personal journeys. She worked previously at The Plain Dealer in Cleveland as a community news reporter and a features writer concentrating on women's issues. She has a print journalism degree from The American University in Washington, D.C., and lives in Washington.

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