Which Is An Oxymoron: Texas Democrat Or Oklahoma Intellectual?

The resident redneck curmudgeon who writes thrice-weekly columns in the Austin fishwrap doesn't always hit a dinger, but today's offering was a winner. Miami may have Dave Barry and Carl Hiassen, but Austin has had Kelso aince 1976. Today's column is a bit parochial. (The snake reference involved a python thrown through a Taco Bell drive up window at a poor order taker who was ophidiophobic. The perps drove away in a white Dodge pickup and are still at large.) If this is (fair & balanced) japery, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
If you think the snake needs to see a shrink, you're a Democrat
By John Kelso

Is it genetically possible to be a Dallas Democrat?

Isn't that like claiming to be an Oklahoma intellectual?

Still, up in Dallas, where calling someone snooty is a compliment, some politicians are jumping ship from the Republican to Democratic Party, thinking, I guess, that the Republican ship is going blub blub blub. Leading the charge from right to left — literally — are state Rep. Kirk England and Dallas County Criminal Court Judge John Creuzot. Creuzot is doing the political hokeypokey. A few years back, he changed from Democrat to Republican. Now he's switching back to Democrat.

So he pulled his left foot in, stuck his right foot out, then he pulled his right foot back in and stuck his left foot out. No word on whether he shook it all about. If he shook it all about, he's not a Republican.

Swell, but are these guys really qualified to call themselves Democrats? Or are they still Republicans posing as Democrats so they can keep their jobs? And how do you tell whether you're really a Democrat or a Republican?

If I were in charge, I wouldn't let any elected official in Texas change parties until he explained his position on the following:

If you think the punks who threw the python at the kid working at the Taco Bell drive-through up in Round Rock should do time for assault, you're a Republican. If you think the punks should go to jail for psychological damage done to the snake, you're a Democrat. If you think the snake should go in for counseling, you're really a Democrat.

If you turn down the air conditioner because it's too cold, you're a Republican. If you turn down the air conditioner because Al Gore said so, you're a Democrat.

If you like all the lofts shooting up all over downtown Austin because you think it'll conserve land for bird habitat, you're a Democrat. If you like all the expensive lofts going up in downtown Austin because it will relocate all the riffraff from valuable urban real estate to the trailer parks in Hays County, you're a Republican.

If you drive past a head shop and think, "Those dirty hippies ought to be held down and given a bath," you're a Republican. If you drive past a head shop and think, "I wonder if this store carries a wide selection of hemp products and maybe the Zig-Zag squares," you're a Democrat.

If you thought hanging Saddam Hussein might have violated his rights, you're a Democrat. If you think they should dig him up and hang him again, you're a Republican.

If you're appalled by Austin's new toll roads, you're a Democrat. If you think to yourself, "Boy, I wish I owned one of these new toll roads," you're a Republican.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 512-445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com (e-mail).

John Kelso, a native of New England (NH or VT) is not a Texan; he got here as fast as he could, though. Kelso served in the U. S. Army during the Nam era, but he spent his time on an army post in Germany. Kelso's journalism major gained him the humor column in the post newspaper. After military service, Kelso worked on the West Palm Beach (FL) fishwrap as the outdoor writer and moved on as a journalist-gypsy to Wisconsin. While in America's Dairyland, he received a call from his former boss in Florida; Rich Oppel had moved on to Austin from West Palm to take the reins of the Austin fishwrap. In 1976, Kelso arrived in Austin where he now reigns as the resident redneck curmudgeon three times each week.

© 2007 The Austin American-Statesman

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