Don't Call Me Ishmael (Or Late For Dinner); Call Me Blogger al-Hajj?

I have completed the BBQ Pilgrimage of Texas. In its current (June '08) issue, (most of?) the staff of Texas Monthly named the top BBQ joints in the Lone Star State in 2008. This is the third iteration (preceded by 1997 and 2003 surveys) listing the best 'cue to be had in Texas. The top 5 in 2008 were located within driving distance of Austin, so I set off on Monday, 6/2/08, for Luling, TX (43 miles distant, south and east) to visit the southernmost location among the Big 5 in Texas BBQ: City Market in "downtown" Luling. Not only the home of the World (In)Famous Watermelon Thump the last weekend in June, the BBQ mecca that is Luling is on U.S. 183 and is the second largest town in Caldwell County.

Luling's City Market, like its brethren with meat market origins (The owners smoked meat that hadn't sold during the week on Saturdays; the descendant BBQ joints don't sell unsmoked meat any longer.), serves the meat on butcher paper with no plates and limited tableware (plastic knives). And, like its brethren in the BBQ-biz, City Market is old school: plastic table knives are OK, but credit cards are verboten, (Most of the original BBQ men also were of German immigrant origins.) The Texas BBQ joint operators subscribe to the Jean Shepperd dictum: "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash." The pork ribs ($9/lb.?) were OK and the liquid refreshment (a Silver Bullet) was modestly priced.

Heading back northward on U.S. 183 toward Austin, the next stop was Caldwell County's seat, Lockhart, Texas. Lockhart is the home of two of the Top 5 BBQ joints in Texas and true to the Texas tradition of range wars and family feuds, both of the Lockhart joints trace their origins to Edgar "Smitty" Schmidt who bought the original Kreuz (rhymes with "bites") Market in 1948 in "downtown" Lockhart. The original market and the original "pit" for smoking meat was constructed in the early 1900s. Everything clicked along on butcher paper and cash until Mr. Schmidt's estate was disputed in 1999 between two of Edgar Schmidt's children: Rick Schmidt and Nina Schmidt Sells. When the BBQ smoke cleared, Rick Schmidt took the business name ("Kreuz Market") and built a new establishment several blocks north of the original site on the highway (U.S. 183). In the original site, Nina Schmidt Sells and her family do business (also on butcher paper and a cash-only policy) as Smitty's Market. And driving north on U.S. 183, the first stop was at Smitty's Market.

Smitty's Market had the best price for liquid refreshment — a Silver Bullet for $1.50. The pork ribs were too salty. The price on the ribs was slightly cheaper than City Market, but I had to resort to a second Silver Bullet because the ribs were so briny. Smitty's main dining room (unchanged from ol' Smitty's time) contained several long tables covered with butcher paper. The place had the ambiance of a dining hall in one of the "units" in the Texas prison system. It must be all about the meat.

Driving further north on U.S. 183, Kreuz (rhymes with "bites") Market sits on the west side of the road. The huge structure (built in 1999) has the feel of an aircraft hanger. Like the other Caldwell County BBQ joints, Kreuz Market eschews tableware and other forms of plastic (cash-only). The price for pork ribs was on a par with Smitty's and the Silver Bullet price was just a little higher than Smitty's. As for the meat (the real test of BBQ), Kreuz Market had the best pork ribs in Caldwell County. Kreuz offers both the long tables as well as scattered booths for its BBQ aficionados.

The BBQ Pilgrimage must be conducted in two parts because the top-rated joint in 2008 operates on Saturdays only and remains open only as long as there is meat to sell. So, Part II, will begin with a visit to Lexington, TX (Lee County, east of Austin) on Saturday, June 7, 2008.

PART II

I rolled out at 9:00 AM and headed for Snow's BBQ in Lexington, TX (51 miles east of Austin by way of U.S. 183 (south) to U.S. 290 (east) and then, just past Elgin (in Texas, pronounced with a hard-G), a turn east on FM 692. FM means Farm-To-Market and between 1945 and 1989, the State of Texas had paved 41,755 miles of rural roadways to create the most extensive network of secondary roads in the world. Upon arrival at Snow's BBQ in downtown Lexington (population 1187), there was a traffic jam. I went into the small frame structure (painted deep red — national color of Texas BBQ joints?) and got in line. I looked in the meat case and it was empty. Snow's inventory had melted an hour before I arrived. The proprietor happened by and he said, "You need to phone in an order by mid-week; we cooked a double amount of meat after the Texas Monthly story hit the stands last week and everything was gone in two hours. In true Texas fashion, the proprietor ain't named Snow. Kerry Bexley was nicknamed "Snowman" as a boy and had nothing to do with Peruvian marching powder. So, as my muse, The Kinkster, would say, there wasn't nothin' left to do, but call in the dogs and piss on the fire.

Leaving Lexington empty handed, I headed back west on FM 692 and veered north and west on FM 112 en route to Louie Mueller's BBQ in Taylor, TX (population 13,575) in the southeast corner of Williamson County. Louie Mueller's Barbecue, like the Big 3 in Caldwell County — City Market in Luling, Smitty's Market in Lockhart, and Kreuz Market in Lockhart, — was originally a meat market and the BBQ twist came on Saturdays when the slow- or poor-selling meat was smoked and sold as BBQ. (Snow's BBQ is the sole purveyor without origins as a meat market.) When I got to Louie Mueller's Barbecue, before 11:00 AM, I got in a line that was about 15 deep. Unlike its brethren to the south, Louie Mueller's has less aversion to plastic as a full complement of tableware (knives, forks, and spoons) were available. However, Louie Mueller's aversion to some plastic has been carried on by his son, Bobby, the current proprietor. Bobby puts his trust in the God of his choice and all others pay cash. The real distinctive mark of Louie Mueller's is the provision of a "taster" by the counterman when he takes your order. If you order, brisket, the counterman puts a chunk of brisket on the butcher paper lining your tray. He does the same for sausage or ribs or whatever meat your request. The "taster" is a sample of the meat on order. None of the Big 3 in Caldwell County provided "tasters." Since the meat of choice in the Big 3 during the earlier sojourn had been pork ribs, it was pork ribs in Louie Mueller's. The verdict? The pork ribs in Taylor were superior to the pork ribs in Caldwell County. The price of the ribs and the Silver Bullets at Louie Meuller's were in the ballpark (slightly higher) than the Big 3. I ordered a ribeye steak to go and pulled a Kinky with the fire and the dogs and headed back to Austin.

Unfortunately, this tale has not ended because the mission to Snow's BBQ in Lexington was a dismal failure. I will take the Snowman's advice and call in an order by next Wednesday so that next Saturday I can take my place among those who have completed a BBQ pilgrimage. At least I won't have to walk around a black rock seven times wearing funny underwear. If this is (fair & balanced) gastronomy, so be it.

[x Texas Monthly]
BBQ08
By Patricia Sharpe, Patricia Busa McConnico, Brian D. Sweany, Pamela Colloff, Katy Vine, Chester Rosson, John Morthland, Paul Burka, John Spong, Michael Hall, Stacy Hollister, Jordan Breal, Katharyn Rodemann, David Courtney, David A. Herron, Jake Silverstein, S.C. Gwynne and Andrea M. Valdez

In Texas in 2008:

No. 1: Lexington: Snow’s BBQ
Top 5: Lockhart: Kreuz Market
Top 5: Lockhart: Smitty’s Market
Top 5: Luling: City Market
Top 5: Taylor: Louie Mueller Barbeque

Copyright © 2008 Texas Monthly, Inc.

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