What The Celtic-Laker Finals Need Is A Good Cigar!

You can take the boy out of New England, but you can't take the Moxie out of the boy. Full disclosure: this blog had John Kelso's origins wrong from the get-go. Kelso has manufactured a persona as a Texas good ol' boy and South Austin's Ultimate Redneck. In this latest Redneck riff on Californians and the Left Coast, Kelso lets slip that he is a Downeaster who trapped lobsters and dug clams in Maine. The blog ventured the guess that Kelso was a native of Vermont or New Hampshire who ended up in Austin thirty+ years ago. Wrong, blog breath.

It took the Boston Celtics to flush Kelso out of the shadows of his past and into the bright lights of the NBA Finals. However, Kelso isn't all bad. The Celtics have been my favorite since I saw (on b/w TV) the first game that Bill Russell played as a Boston Celtic on December 22, 1956. Russell played good defense, but scored only a few points. Following the game, Celtic coach Arnold (Red) Auerbach was interviewed and said something to the effect that the points would come for the team's top draft choice in 1956. The more important parts of Russell's game were shot-blocking defense, rebounding, and leadership; Red was correct: the points did come. So, Kelso awoke the green and white ghosts of my past. In William F. (Bill) Russell's last game as a player, the Boston Celtics defeated the LA Lakers for the NBA title in 1969. Russell had become the first African American coach (actually player-coach) in the NBA. Bill Russell's Celtic teams won two NBA titles during his three-year tenure (1966-1969). If this is (fair & balanced) Hibernianism, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
All I Want For Father's Day Is For The Celtics To Humiliate The Lakers
By John Kelso

What do I want for Father's Day?

Oh, not a whole lot. I don't want you to bring me a steak. I can cook one myself. I don't want a new tie. I don't even want an old one. And forget the funny card. I've already read most of 'em.

All I want for Father's Day is for the Boston Celtics to hammer the Los Angeles Lakers this evening by, say, 32 points and win their 17th NBA title. A good, solid clobbering that leaves the entire city of Los Angeles weeping: Is that too much to ask? A butt-whompin' so thorough that Jack Nicholson's eyes roll back in his head and get stuck there.

If the Celtics throw the Lakers over their laps today and spank them like a thumb-suckin' toddler, my Father's Day wish will have come true.

I'm one sick, green puppy. My turning into a Celtics freak started about 54 years ago when gasoline could occasionally be found for 17 cents a gallon. I was a little kid growing up in a small, blue-collar paper mill town in Maine.

On some Sundays, my parents would visit their boring friends in a town on the coast, and they'd drag me along. There were no kids in that neighborhood for me to play with.

So, with nothing to do, I'd disappear into the back room and turn on the black and white TV. It was Sunday afternoon. Guess what was on? The Boston Celtics game.

This was before the Celtics had won their first title. I remember the announcers saying that with all-star guards like Bob Cousy and Bill Sharman, the Celtics might actually amount to something if they ever got a good big man. Their center was Easy Ed McCauley. Easy Ed's problem was that he was just a little too easy.

The next year or so, the Celtics picked up Bill Russell and, for the first time in my young life, I had a sports team I could count on. I've been hooked ever since.

So for Father's Day, just bring me a big heaping loss for the Lakers and another title for Beantown.

I don't have much use for the Lakers, and why should I? When the cameras pan the crowd in Boston, you see real people. Do the same thing in L.A., and you're looking at a bunch of foo foo Hollywood types. Sometimes I don't know if I'm watching a basketball game or the E! Network.

I get a kick out of how they call the Lakers-Celtics relationship a rivalry. Yeah, like France versus the German army is a rivalry. Boston leads 8-2 in the championship series played between these two teams. I suspect "rivalry" is something the marketing people hallucinated up to improve TV ratings.

So for Father's Day, just bring me Kobe Bryant's head on a plate and another Celtics' title. And I'll be king of the living room.

[John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays.]

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