The Onion Provides The Names Of (Gasp) 9 Secret Palin Children!

'Tis the Silly Season, said The Hopester. Nothing is sillier than the idea of a juco-flunk out serving as the Veep. Even The Dickster, flunking out of Yale, managed to graduate from the University of Wyoming with both a B.A. and an M.A. in political science (despite sleeping through the courses on the U.S. Constitution). Instead, we have a New Age wacko who (unfortunately) did not sleep through Republican Woman 101 and has emerged as a vicious harpy who does Phyllis Schlafly proud. A True Republican Woman (like Palin or Schlafly) is the nastiest creature to roam the earth. There is no known antidote to their venom. If this is (fair & balanced) anti-Dumbo sexism, so be it.

[x The Onion]
Rumors Swirl Aroound Palin

Even since Senator John McCain's (R-AZ) selection of Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) as his running mate, the press has been abuzz with rumors about the former mayor of Wasilla, AK. Here are some of the more persistent rumors:

• As a local Alaska sportscaster, Palin's signature on-air phrase was: "Life begins at conception."

• An evening-gown-clad Palin personally drilled a clumsy, but functional oil well during the talent portion of the '84 Miss Alaska pageant.

• Actually a Muslim.

• A lower-back tattoo of Alaska can be seen when Palin wears low-riding jeans.

• In addition to the five (5) children that the media are aware of — Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig — Palin also has nine (9) secret children: Frag, Moss, Scoot, Skiffer, Minnow, Plow, Snatch, Twiglet, and Drum.

• Elaborate moose-lowering-for-sex machine gathers dust in basement.

• The Republican Party installed Palin as mayor of Wasilla, AK in 1996 to begin grooming her for a position as VP.

• Palin a viable candidate.

Copyright © 2008 The Onion

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