This Burns Me Up!

This blogger just rented and watched "The Bucket List" on DVD. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, bonding as terminally-ill cancer patients, both have their remains cremated (cremains, not ashes) and placed in old Chock Full O'Nuts coffee cans. Morning coffee spewed upon reading the Faux-redneck columnist in the Austin Fishwrap mocking The Neptune Society (and cremation) today. Full disclosure, this blogger will depend upon the tender mercies of The Neptune Society when he steps on a rainbow. Further, this blogger's cremains will be placed in a Ziploc® bag. Redneck-pretender Kelso jokes about having his cremains placed in a Hefty® bag. Hell, Kelso's family should just get a freebie plastic bag from any supermarket. Kelso's not worth a new Hefty® bag. In fact, the Kelso family should save some natural gas and throw Kelso on the nearest trash fire while they're at it. Then they should gather Kelso's cremains in a grocery-issued plastic bag and deposit that bag in the nearest dumpster. If this is (fair & balanced) waste management, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
In This Economy, A Free Cremation May Be Your Best Offer
By John Kelso

I'm an advocate of planning ahead when it comes to dropping dead. That's why I've often said that when I go, I want to be left in a Hefty bag in front of the publisher's office. What a money saver. Have you priced coffins lately? And think of the laughs in the executive lounge when they open the bag.

But I may change those plans now because of an amazing free offer I just received at home in the mail from a national cremation business called the Neptune Society.

"WIN A PRE-PAID CREMATION," it says at the top of the flier. "Complete all of the reply slip information and you will be eligible for a drawing each month." Wow. Sounds to me like I've been preapproved.

The flier goes on to say that July's winner was Ms. Faye Simmons from Washington state.

What a lucky stiff. Perhaps in this article I shouldn't use the word "stiff."

I wonder if, upon winning the free cremation, Ms. Simmons got all excited like a Texas Lottery winner and started jumping up and down.

Probably not. The prize doesn't exactly rank up there with a free weeklong vacation in Cancún. But at least when you finally cash in your prize, you don't have to get a passport before you take off. Or go through security at the airport. Although you may have to take off your shoes.

Seriously, the Neptune Society does have a drawing each month to pick the winner of a free cremation. And you don't have to be dead to win.

If you win and you've already paid for your upcoming cremation, the company will refund your money, said Juan Gonzalez, marketing vice president at the Neptune Society.

"I'll tell you what, every month we get a new winner, and every time we call them, they're very happy," Gonzalez said. "Not only have we taken care of their loved ones, we've saved them a lot of money. A traditional funeral goes anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 in cost, and a cremation goes from $1,800 to $2,400. So it's really quite a winning."

I told my teenage daughter, Rachel, about the prize, and she wanted to know if cremations were expensive. I told her that the cost depended largely on the urn you pick to have yourself put in.

"What if you, like, get 'em to sweep yah up?" Rachel asked.

The unfortunate news here is that your odds of winning the free cremation may not be a lot better than your chances with a Pick Six ticket. Gonzalez said the company gets more than 12,000 entries a month. The actual drawing probably isn't as festive as the lottery, either. Gonzalez said they don't use a pingpong ball machine to pick the winner, like many state lotteries do.

But in this economy, getting a price break on the way out may be your best deal. So I might as well fill this form out and send it in. Heck, if I win, I could always sell a hot item like this on eBay.

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (N.H.) Union-Leader; The Boonville (Mo.) Daily News; The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, and the Racine (Wis.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

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