¡Vaya Con El Dios (DeTu Elección), Kelso!

The blogger learned at a literature prof's knee (and other low joints) that you become an adult when you realize that you are going to die. John Kelso, the humor columnist for the Austin Fishwrap, is about to become the tumor columnist because ol' Kelso recently got the news that he's got an 86-88% chance of surviving cancer for 5 years. The oncologists call it a cure if you make the 5-year-mark without a return of the tumor(s). Hook 'em, Kelso. If this is (fair & balanced) stoicism, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
Here's Hoping This Big C Stuff Is Outta Here By Football Season
By John Kelso

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although armstrong austin better cancer checked col'beer common designed diagnosed dietary drink em explains going gone happen hell hoping keep kill lance longhorns looked lot mask minutes month mouth normal north notice odd photo prayers radiation sausage six sore stuff supplement sympathy telling tests things tongue treatment unusual weeks wrap

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There aren't many funny things that happen when you find out you've got cancer, but I've got one I can share with you.

When I first went in to one of my two family doctors to have the hot spot under my tongue checked out, he looked in my mouth and said he couldn't see anything unusual.Then he checked my charts, and gave me a prostate exam.

I'm thinking, "Buddy, wrong end."

So Lance Armstrong and I now have two things in common. We both know how to ride a bike, although he's better at it than I am. And we've both been diagnosed with cancer, although he's over his. And I may be over mine, Or not.

That's why Monday I began six weeks of radiation treatment.

I'm not telling you this for your sympathy, although prayers and well wishes are accepted. I'm telling you this so you'll know what's going on. If there's a column missing now and then, you'll know why.

This started when I noticed a nagging sore way back in my mouth, underneath my tongue. I've had these before, but this was more persistent than most.

Folks, if you notice something odd like that, get it checked out, and get it checked out yesterday. If I hadn't, I'd be in a lot worse shape than I am now. Because I hopped on it real quick, the tumor never got that big. I caught it at the first stage.

It's now gone. That explains the scar on my neck, which is mostly healed up. For a few weeks there, a steak for me was no more than a photo opportunity.

As the cliché goes, the tests showed they got it all. Except there may be some microscopic stuff they couldn't see in the tests still lurking about. That explains the radiation, which is designed to kill off whatever's left.

They say the outlook is good — 86-88 percent.

I'm not looking forward to the radiation, First of all, it means I have to drive to hell and gone to North Austin on Monday through Friday for about six weeks, have this weird mesh mask fitted over my face, and get zapped in the mouth for a few minutes. They tell me for the first four weeks I won't notice much.

They also tell me that for the last two weeks of treatment, and for the two weeks after, I'll suffer the sore throat from hell. I'll be trying to drink a lot of dietary supplement drinks to try to keep my weight up. Is col'beer a dietary supplement? And don't be inviting me out for barbecue during that month or I'll have to slap you.

Here's hoping everything's back to normal when the Longhorns kick off in September. My goal is to be able to eat a sausage wrap at a tailgate party by the home opener. Hook 'em. Ω

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (NH) Union-Leader; The Boonville (MO) Daily News; The Palm Beach (FL) Post, and the Racine (WI.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2009 Austin American-Statesman

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Copyright © 2009 Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves