Friday, September 18, 2009

Kelso's Testicle Hall O'Fame: Wilson, West, & Duvall

This blog doesn't want another sexual identity uproar like the brouhaha surrounding the South African track star, Caster Semenya. The Austin Fishwrap's faux redneck humorist, John Kelso's rant aboout walking testicles almost included Serena Williams in that category. Poor Serena has enough trouble, let alone a sexual identity controversy. However, Kelso has identitfied an adequate trio of jerks: Congressman Joe Wilson (R-SC), rapper Kanye West, and former State Representative Michael Duvall (R-CA). If you don't think these three men are walking testicles, how about walking anuses? If this is (fair & balanced) anatomical exploration, so be it.

[x Austin Fishwrap]
America Is Land Of The Mean, Home Of The Misbehaved
By John Kelso

Tag Cloud of the following article

created at

There's been so much horrid behavior lately that it makes me wonder if Americans are collectively sniffing paint.

Folks are stumbling all over one another to see who can make the biggest fools of themselves.

Some of it comes from famous folks, some of it from regular Joes. All of it is rude.

Some of it is edgy. All of it is annoying.

Some of it is scary.

It's as if everybody is trying to get on CNN. It's as if we all suddenly hate each others' guts.

How about those health care plan protesters who brought signs to the big march last weekend in Washington that painted President Barack Obama as Adolf Hitler, an African witch doctor and other unflattering stuff?

Obama's like Hitler? How so?

OK, so they had two things in common: great speaking skills and a big following. But last time I looked, Hitler wasn't pushing for a public option. And Obama wouldn't look right in a pair of those big boots.

Then you have U.S. Representative Joe Wilson and pop star Kanye West, who each made a testicle of himself, I mean, a spectacle of himself.

Those two guys committed the same etiquette crime: stage hogging.

The pushy West stole the microphone from Taylor Swift, a young country pop musician, at MTV's Video Music Awards and crowed to the audience that Beyoncé really had the best video. Swift was stunned to silence.

Then there was Wilson. He's the congressman from South Carolina who hollered, "You lie!" when the president was addressing Congress about health care.

Clearly, West was the more accomplished stage hog because Obama just kept truckin'.

I've got an idea. Since West and Wilson have the same talent, why don't they hook up and do a video together? West could do lead vocals, and Wilson could do background "You lies."

I think it would sell. Heck, even I would buy that one.

The rudeness has gotten so widespread that it's even invaded tennis, usually a mannerly pursuit.

When called for a foot fault that cost her a match at the U.S. Open, Serena Williams got so bent out of shape that she threatened to shove the ball down the line judge's throat.

The list goes on. Take former California State Representative Mike Duvall, who quickly resigned from office after he was caught boasting about his sexual escapades. "Now you're getting old..., I am going to have to trade you in," Duvall said, speaking of his affair with a lobbyist who had just celebrated a birthday.

Great way to pick up chicks, huh? Couldn't he have just gotten her a card or some flowers? Ω

[Downeaster (Maine-native) John Kelso has worked for the Austin (Texas) American-Statesman as a humor columnist since 1977. Before coming to Austin, Kelso worked at several newspapers: The Manchester (NH) Union-Leader; The Boonville (MO) Daily News; The Palm Beach (FL) Post, and the Racine (WI.) Journal Times. Kelso has been a general assignment reporter, a copy editor, a sports editor, and an outdoor writer. As a pretend-redneck, Kelso is all gimme cap and no double-wide. His redneck-shtik appears thrice weekly: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays in the Austin Fishwrap.]

Copyright © 2009 Austin American-Statesman

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Copyright © 2009 Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves

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