Sunday, August 07, 2011

An Idea Whose Time Has Come: The Dumbos Have Their Tea Party & The Hee-Haws Need A Donner Party!

At the close of every "Real Time" show on HBO, Bill Maher proclaims "New Rules" to perfect an imperfect world. In the most recent rant, Maher offered a counterpoise to the Dumbos' Teabaggers: the Donner Party within the Hee-Haw party. With that, Maher rode off for the summer hiatus of his show until mid-September 2011. If this is (fair & balanced) savage satire, so be it.

[x Daily Kos]
Bill Maher's Tea Party Answer
Transcribed by TBug

[x HBO]
Real Time With Bill Maher (Episode 223, 8/5/11)
By Bill Maher

Tag Cloud of the following rant

created at

And finally, New Rule.....

If we have learned anything from this moronic debt ceiling debacle, its that government is a lot like the subway. People tend to give the crazy person what he wants.

The reason John Boehner can brag that he got 98% of what he demanded was that he had an ace card in the 60 odd tea partiers in his caucus. I don't say 60 odd because I'm not sure how many there are. There are 60 odd and they are odd. And Bohener could point to them and say, "Look, these guys don't give a fuck." They don't want compromise and solutions. The only response they are going for is "Oh shit, how'd Skeeter git a gun."

Yes, cause we've all seen that movie where some psycho has a gun to a woman's head and the rookie hostage negotiator isn't getting anywhere, so they bring in Mel Gibson. Who can relate to the psycho because hes a psycho. Thats what the Democrats need. Their own Mel Gibson.

The only way to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney tune, mad as a hatter. crazy motherfuckers

So please liberals, start trolling Whole Foods parking lots. Nude beaches. Erotic cake stores. The MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left wing lunatics to create a party within a party. As the tea party is a party within the Republicans. And to show that we will not back down in a crazy off. Against anybody. The party within the Democratic party. Will be called. The Donner Party. Thats right. We will literally eat each other before we give an inch. And this is our leader, Face-Ripper Monkey.

And don't tell me that there all ready is such an entity on the left. That its the ACLU or Greenpeace or Oh, Please. Those are educated people. Lawyers and scientists. We need loud mouths and bad dressers. Who can match the tea people maniac for maniac and say to them "You think you can be pea-brained, single-minded, and purple with rage? Well the Donner party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired."

You say no new taxes on the rich, we say tax the rich at a 100%.

You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion, we call for a federal funded partial birth abortions at the drive-through at McDonalds.

You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill, we insist on Janeane Garofalo.

Because apparently crazy is the new sensible. And we will not lose the war of bad ideas. So here's what else we want.

Guns, still legal. But no new guns may be produced. Therefore to get one, you have to literally pry it from another guy's cold dead hands.

Also not only must gay history be taught in public schools. But also gay math. With word problems like if the park ranger inspects the restrooms every 4 hours. And it takes Glen 12 minutes to get a stranger off. How many strangers can Glen service between inspections?

In any budget stalemate, The Donner party will insist on a rider to the bill stipulating that Jesus is just a guy. And if you so much as thank him for scoring a touchdown, the state will take your children. And you must perform 200 hours of community theater.

And the other bill that I'm afraid the Donner party must insist on. We want everything that they have act of 2011, which guarantees all Americans what Europeans get. Like free healthcare and six weeks paid vacation. Ω

[William (Bill) Maher, Jr., is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He hosted the late-night television talk show "Politically Incorrect" on Comedy Central and ABC, and is currently the star of "Real Time with Bill Maher" on HBO. Maher received his Bachelor of Arts in English from Cornell University in 1978.]

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