Curse You, Diamond Jim!!!

Parodist Marcy Shaffer has joined forces with Merle Hazard (also known as Jon Shayne, Harvard class of 1984) and Curtis Threadneedle (hear him here). Shaffer is no stranger to this blog: her professional writing experience includes television, film, lyrics, verse and... musical parody. Shaffer also is an attorney. If this is (fair & balanced) musical economics — with apologies to Jimmy Dean and "Big Bad John" — so be it.

[x Versus]
The Ballad Of Diamond Jim
By Merle Hazard, Marcy Shaffer & Curtis Threadneedle

I WAS VISITING CHARLOTTE, A TOWN I KNEW WELL.
THE SUNSET WAS SCARLET.
I FELL UNDER ITS SPELL.
AT THE HOTEL BAR, IN THE BACK OF THE PLACE,
I SAW A STRANGELY FAMILIAR FACE:
DIAMOND JIM.

I KNEW DIAMOND JIM FROM ACCOUNTS IN THE PRESS.
HE RAN A NEW YORK BANK WITH SKILL AND FINESSE.
THEY SAY HE HAD BRAINS, BUT LACKED A HEART.
J.P. MORGAN HIMSELF WAS ONLY HALF AS SMART
AS DIAMOND JIM.

DIAMOND JIM,
DIAMOND JIM.
OH, OH,
DIAMOND JIM.

DIAMOND JIM RAISED A TOAST, IN A BANKERLY WAY,
TO HIS MASSIVELY OUTSIZED WALL STREET PAY.
“OUR GAME IS DISECONOMY OF SCALE.
THE KEY IS TO BE TOO BIG TO FAIL,”
SAID DIAMOND JIM.

HE MOCKED RISK CONTROL, CALLED IT A SHAM.
HE SAID THERE’S NO NEED WHEN YOU HAVE UNCLE SAM.
I THOUGHT BACK TO MY DAYS AT THE F.D.I.C.,
AND I KNEW I’D NEED TO CONFRONT THIS S.O.B.,
DIAMOND JIM.

SO I SAID, “DIAMOND JIM,
THERE’S A PROBLEM TO PREVENT.
BANKS AREN’T SAFE WITH CAPITAL
OF JUST A FEW PERCENT.
THEY NEED MORE LIKE THIRTY PERCENT, OR HIGHER.
THAT’S WHAT SIMON JOHNSON
HAS SAID THEY REQUIRE,
DIAMOND JIM."

DIAMOND JIM,
DIAMOND JIM.
OH, OH,
DIAMOND JIM.

DIAMOND JIM, “SON, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”
I SAID, “YOU'RE DIAMOND JIM.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S A SCAM?
THE CRIME'S NOT WHAT'S CRIMINAL.
THE CRIME IS WHAT'S LEGAL.
YOU’D BE BUYIN’ FEWER DIAMONDS
IF WE STILL HAD GLASS-STEAGALL,
DIAMOND JIM."

“LOW BLOW!” HE CRIED. “YOU’RE NAIVE,
AND A FOOL.
YOU HAVE THROWN DOWN THE GAUNTLET.
OK, LET’S DUEL!
THERE ARE WEAPONS TO USE
IN THESE BANKING LAW CASES.
SECURITIES LAWYERS AT THIRTY PACES!”
SAID DIAMOND JIM.

SO AT NOON THE NEXT DAY,
HIRED GUNS AT OUR SIDE,
WE MET,
AND LET OUR CORPORATE LAWYERS COLLIDE.
THEY FIRED THEIR MOUTHS OFF,
A FEW TIMES AT LEAST.
MY COUNSEL FELL DOWN, DESISTED, DECEASED.
BECAUSE OF DIAMOND JIM.

DIAMOND JIM,
DIAMOND JIM.
OH, OH,
DIAMOND JIM.

“YOU LOSE,” DIAMOND JIM SAID.
“YOU COULD NEVER WIN IT.”
WITH A SCOFF, HE RODE OFF,
IN A NEW YORK MINUTE.
WELL, AT LEAST I HAD TRIED.
YET, STILL, MY HEART SANK.

I STARTED TO WONDER:
AM I REALLY A BETTER MAN THAN DIAMOND JIM?
MAYBE NOT.
BECAUSE I HAD COME TO CHARLOTTE TO MEET WITH INVESTORS, AND TO TRY TO START UP WHAT I HOPED, DEEP DOWN, WOULD SOME DAY BE MY VERY OWN, HIGH-PAYING, TOO-BIG-TO-FAIL BANK.

OH, CURSE YOU, DIAMOND JIM!

DIAMOND JIM,
DIAMOND JIM.
OH, OH,
DIAMOND JIM. Ω

[Lead Vocal - MERLE HAZARD • Guitar - WOLF JACKSON •
Mandolin - FRANCES CUNNINGHAM • Background Vocals - MERLE HAZARD, JOANNA BUSHNELL, RANDY SMITH • Camera - JIM DEMARCO, NASHVILLE PUBLIC TELEVISION • Soprano Part Arrangement & Production - GREG HILFMAN • Editing - MATT EMIGH, NASHVILLE PUBLIC TELEVISION • Credits - ELIZABETH SHELL • Set - KATE FOREMAN, TENNESSEE REPERTORY THEATRE • Special Thanks - DAVID SHAYNE, CASEY DEL CASINO, TOM NOSER]

Song Copyright © 2011 Hazard, Shaffer & Threadneedle/Video Copyright © 2011 Hazard & Shaffer

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Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves by Neil Sapper is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at sapper.blogspot.com. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available here.



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