Friday, August 17, 2012

Roll Over, Walt Whitman! Make Way For Paul Freakin' Ryan (In Free Verse)

The lamestream media is tryin' to decide whether Big Love's choice of the Big Doofus is the Game-Changer of 2012. The Dumbo VP candidate in 2008 was a Ditz. The Dumbo VP candidate in 2012 is a Dope. If this is a (fair & balanced) zero-sum game, so be it.

[x New Yorker]
Paul Ryan's Song Of Himself
By Andy Borowitz

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New York (The Borowitz Report)—Today the Republican Vice-Presidential pick Paul Ryan published the following poem to America:

This morning I was at Equinox
Getting ripped and shredded, pumped and jacked,
Cross-training with Jeremy
Who totally kicks my butt.
And I was like, “I shall not let my foes define me.”
And I was so stoked
I punched Jeremy in the face.
Endorphins, mofo—
Who is Paul Ryan?
He can bench-press three times his weight,
Ochocinco a cinderblock in two,
Change the course of mighty rivers,
Bend steel in his bare hands,
And tug freighters with his teeth.
Paul Ryan:
Rock-hard abs,
Bulging delts,
Glistening pecs.
But not gay.
Ayn Rand wrote:
“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
She could have been writing
About Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
I don’t read Ayn Rand anymore.
I disavow her atheist philosophy.
I just know that quote
Because it’s tattooed on my left oblique.
So join me
In Paul Ryan’s America:
Where heroes roam free
And pussies fear to tread.
Where a small boy from Wisconsin
Can grow up to join forces with a casino billionaire
To kick Iran in the cojones,
And leave behind the America of my foes:
Where the old and feeble
Expect food, medicine, and whatnot.
Not on my watch
Because I am Paul Ryan.
Paul Freakin’ Ryan.
Drop and give me twenty, America:
It’s clobberin’ time.Ω

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the Borowitz Report, a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist (2012). Borowitz is a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College, Class of 1980.]

Copyright © 2012 Condé Nast Digital

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Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves by Neil Sapper is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available here.

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