Sunday, October 28, 2012

Welcome To This Blogger's Twilight Zone!

This fanasy Op-Ed essay crossed this blogger's screen late last week. All of the noise from the Lamestream Media is hyping the 2012 election as a real horse race. Big Love is surging (goes the narrative) and the POTUS 44 has been sleepwalking since Debate the First. So, Eags (tongue firmly in cheek) imagines a Big Love Miracle on November 6, 2012. If this is a (fair & balanced) phantasm, so be it.

[x NY Fishwrap]
The Morning After
By Timothy Egan

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President-elect Willard M. Romney — congratulations! It’s a Mormon miracle, when you think about it, even bigger than Brigham Young University’s stunning upset of No. 1-ranked Miami in 1990.

Turns out, you really could write off 47 percent of Americans, the moochers and victims. All it took was a tough march through the suburbs of Florida, Virginia, Colorado and — ha, ha, Bruce Springsteen — Ohio.

But be careful crediting providence: it almost went the other way, after that Senate candidate in Indiana, Richard Mourdock, said it was part of God’s plan for rape victims to carry their assailants’ babies, one day after you cut an ad for him. Good golly, gobsmackers, that was close!

No, matter, the past is Etch A Sketchable, the whole of it, as you’ve just shown. From Severe Conservative to Milquetoast Mitt, it’s all the same. Now on to governance.

But before you take the oath, don’t forget the pledge — to Grover Norquist. You and Vice President-elect Paul Ryan both pledged fealty to the bearded, much-feared lobbyist. You will never, ever, under any circumstances, war or national emergency, raise taxes.

Next up, look at a map of the world. No matter how many times you said it, Syria is not Iran’s route to the sea. A large coastline to the south, the Persian Gulf, isn’t going anywhere.

You’ve promised to accomplish 15 different tasks on Day 1; let’s sort them by priority. The Affordable Care Act is gone, even though you need Congress to act (a mere formality, by Ryan’s assurance). All you 20-somethings on your parents’ health plans, all you sickly types with pre-existing conditions that you expect the insurance companies to cover, no more Obamacare for you. The ride is over, even if it means leaving 72 million Americans without health insurance, as the Commonwealth Fund, a New York-based research foundation, calculated. Legacy, baby.

“You can kiss the American automotive industry goodbye.” So you said, back in the early days of the one-termer you just defeated, should the car companies be rescued by the government. Something was miscalculated there. Let’s pull all federal aid and try it again — the Bain way.

Latinos nearly cost you the election, especially in Florida, Colorado and Nevada. Well, those Mexicans, or whatever they are, can start self-deporting. It worked for your grandfather when he hightailed it out of Mexico in the face of official pressure. Just refuse to sign the Dream Act and make things … uncomfortable!

On to China, and a trade war. You promised to declare our biggest creditor a currency manipulator on Day 1. Say it loud and clear, brother. But watch for the stock market to crash and the Chinese to retaliate, setting off a domino effect that would rattle a very fragile global economy. Well, heck, they started it.

Speaking of global tantrums, re: climate change, there will be no change from the prior administration. Just do nothing, and never bring it up.

And here comes a dirty part. You promised to import the messy tar sands oil of Canada through the Keystone XL pipeline, “if I have to build it myself to get it here.” The problem is, lots of folks on the prairie don’t want an oil pipeline next to the homestead. Maybe Tagg can channel some of that aggressive energy of his out in the flatland, threaten to take a swing at farmers who are afraid of a little industrial intrusion on the corn fields.

Supreme Court: at long last, here comes the revenge of Robert Bork, your top adviser on the Supremes. He’s been stewing in bile for decades. Four of the justices are in their 70s, and that lib Ruth Bader Ginsburg, at 79, is a cancer survivor. The gays are this close from upsetting the sanctity of traditional marriage, especially with two states voting to approve of same-sex nuptials yesterday. You’ll probably get to name two justices. They’ll be in the mold of Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, as you vowed on your Web site. Bork has a list. But watch for libertarian types like Sandra Day O’Connor, an appointee of President Reagan who said she feared stepping down because “it’s my party that’s destroying the country.”

And on this morning after, the morning-after pill itself is a target for elimination. It’s in the party platform, for Pete’s sake. But if it causes too much of a fuss to mess with women from the get-go, forget about the Taliban wing of the party. You can go both ways, or multiple choice, on the social issues, as always. What matters is that corporations continue to be treated as people, which means somebody ought to be able to marry one, somewhere, in this great land.

Math is not your strong point. You promised a tax cut of 20 percent, costing upward of $5 trillion, and an increase in defense spending of $2 trillion over the next decade, plus putting $716 billion back in Medicare from Obamacare savings — all while bringing the deficit under control. You can’t just say, “Of course they add up!” again, and make the numbers whole. That only works on TV.

On top of all of the above, you promised Jeremy, the college kid from the second debate, a job by 2014. Time for another miracle. Ω

[Timothy Egan writes "Outposts," a column at the NY Fishwrap online. Egan — winner of both a Pulitzer Prize in 2001 as a member of a team of reporters who wrote the series "How Race Is Lived in America" and a National Book Award (The Worst Hard Time in 2006) — graduated from the University of Washington with a degree in journalism, and was awarded an honorary doctorate of humane letters by Whitman College in 2000 for his environmental writings. Egan's most recent book is The Big Burn: Teddy Roosevelt and the Fire that Saved America (2009).]

Copyright © 2012 The New York Times Company

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Sapper's (Fair & Balanced) Rants & Raves by Neil Sapper is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available here.

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