Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Governor Goodhair (But No Brains) Channels His Inner Dubster

Governor Goodhair (But No Brains) has mobilized the National Guard of Texas and ordered them down to McAllen, TX on the border. Their function will be to repel the hordes of children who have fled (most sans parents) the violencia in Honduras, El Salvador, and Guatemala. Obviously, these jihadists, who range from infancy to adolescence, are a threat to national security. Goodhair (But No Brains) donned his Clark-Kent-eyeglasses while announcing his unilateral action to save the nation. Interestingly, this "surge" of Guard troops will cost Texas taxpayers $17.1M daily. The Texas AG, Greg (Hotwheels) Abbott — who lives to sue the federal government — has pledged to replace the state funds with Fed money. Good luck with that, Hotwheels. In the meantime, the lamestream media has breathlessly reported this non-event as if it equaled The Dubster's "Mission Accomplished" show after the fall of Iraq. As Borowitz notes, Goodhair (But No Brains) has ordered the mobilization of the Guard to the border without a "defined objective, mission, or exit strategy." In other words, a clusterf*ck. If this is (fair & balanced) political theater (at $17.1M per diem), so be it.

[x The New Yorker]
Perry Boosts Presidential Stature By Using Troops For No Reason
By Andy Borowitz

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An aide to Rick Perry is confident that the Texas Governor proved he “has what it takes to be President” with his decision on Monday to send troops somewhere for no reason.

By deploying a thousand National Guardsmen to the U.S.-Mexico border, Perry has shown that as President he would be “ready and willing” to use troops without a defined objective, mission, or exit strategy, the aide confirmed.

“Sending troops someplace with no clear idea of why they are going or what they are supposed to be doing once they get there is a key part of the Presidential skill set,” said the aide, Harland Dorrinson. “Rick Perry has just shown that he’s got that nailed down.”

Dorrinson acknowledged that the gold standard for using troops for no reason might have been set by Perry’s predecessor in Texas, George W. Bush, but added, “If anyone can beat that record, it’s Rick.”

According to the aide, Perry’s “extremely Presidential response” to the immigration crisis is already winning him the praise of G.O.P. voters. “Nothing unites Republicans more than standing up to children,” he said. Ω

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the "Borowitz Report," a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist  (2012). Borowitz is a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College.]

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