Ah Ha! First Things First In The Dumbo Immigration Policy — Elimination Of "Immigration Magnets" — AKA The Social Safety Net, Public Education, Clean Air, & Drinkable Water

Somehow, Andy Borowitz obtained a top-secret version of the forthcoming Dumbo/Moron immigration plan. In it, the geniuses opposing POTUS 44 will pursue a scorched earth policy that will remake the USA into the equivalent of the Democratic Republic of the Congo (the poorest of the poor). No self-respecting immigrant seeking a better place will bother with the USA. If this is (fair & balanced) brilliance at the border, so be it.

[x New Yorker]
GOP Unveils Immigration Plan
By Andy Borowitz

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Senate Majority Leader [To-Be] Mitch McConnell unveiled his party’s long-awaited plan on immigration on Wednesday, telling reporters, “We must make America somewhere no one wants to live.”

Appearing with House Speaker John Boehner, McConnell said that, in contrast to President Obama’s “Band-Aid fixes,” the Republican plan would address “the root cause of immigration, which is that the United States is, for the most part, habitable.”

“For years, immigrants have looked to America as a place where their standard of living was bound to improve,” McConnell said. “We’re going to change that.”

Boehner said that the Republicans’ plan would reduce or eliminate “immigration magnets,” such as the social safety net, public education, clean air, and drinkable water.

The Speaker added that the plan would also include the repeal of Obamacare, calling healthcare “catnip for immigrants.”

Attempting, perhaps, to tamp down excitement about the plan, McConnell warned that turning America into a dystopian hellhole that repels immigrants “won’t happen overnight.”

“Our crumbling infrastructure and soaring gun violence are a good start, but much work still needs to be done,” he said. “When Americans start leaving the country, we’ll know that we’re on the right track.”

In closing, the two congressional leaders expressed pride in the immigration plan, noting that Republicans had been working to make it possible for the past thirty years. Ω

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the "Borowitz Report," a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist  (2012). Borowitz is a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College.]

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