Thursday, November 06, 2014

Shazam! On November 4, 2014, The Asses Became Dumbasses!!

On one side of the political coin are the Republicans — known in this blog as Dumbos — because their party totem is the elephant and Dumbo is an elephant. In addition, Dumbo implies fatuity and that describes those loons without exception. On the other side of the coin, we have the Democrats — known in this blog as Asses — because their party totem is the donkey. Unfortunately, on Tuesday, November 4, 2014, the Asses sank below the Dumbos in the Stupidity-O-Meter. Andy Borowitz offers an explanation of the 2014 election results. If this is (fair & balanced) asininity, so be it.

[x New Yorker]
Exit Polls Indicate Nation Suffering From Severe Memory Loss
By Andy Borowitz

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Exit polls conducted across the country on Election Day indicate a nation suffering from severe memory loss, those who conducted the polls confirmed Tuesday night.

According to the polls, Americans who cast their votes today had a difficult time remembering events that occurred as recently as six years ago, while many seemed to be solid only on things that have happened in the past ten days.

While experts were unable to explain the epidemic of memory loss that appears to have gripped the nation, interviews with Americans after they cast their votes suggest that their near total obliviousness to anything that happened as recently as October may have influenced their decisions.

“I really think it’s time for a change,” said Carol Foyler, a memory-loss sufferer who cast her vote this morning in Iowa City. “I just feel in my gut that if these people were in charge they’d do a really amazing job with the economy.”

Harland Dorrinson, who voted in Akron, Ohio, and who has no memory of anything that happened before 2013, said his main concern was a terrorist attack on American soil.

“I really think we need to put a party in charge that won’t ever let something like that happen,” he said.

In Texas, exit polls showed strong support for George P. Bush, who was running for the Republican nomination for Texas land commissioner. “George Bush sounds like the name of someone who would be really good at running things,” said one voter.

The national exit polls revealed an electorate deeply fearful of a number of threats, including ISIS, Ebola, and, oh, what was that other thing? Ω

[Andy Borowitz is the creator the "Borowitz Report," a Web site that is a lot funnier than the stuff posted by Matt Drudge and his ilk. Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears regularly in The New Yorker. He is the first winner of the National Press Club's humor award and has won seven Dot-Comedy Awards for his web site. His most recent book (and Amazon's Best Kindle Single of the Year) is An Unexpected Twist  (2012). Borowitz is a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College.]

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